Things have been exceptionally strange this week. We usually have thanksgiving with Tammy’s family usually in East Texas, occasionaly here. This year with all the crazy goign on and some other things that we cannot say yet, we did not do the whole in-law thing this year. I am actually pretty relieved, seeing as how they would all look at us crazy anyway. The last thing I want to be is the, well, crazy one! LOL I guss I have been screwing that up for years!
Thnksgiving dinner consisted of tammy, Jessie, Aaliyah and Kerry having a small meal and I having a vegan curry soup. Very traditional huh??! According to Tammy, and susequesnt evidenve, her and Pat went out to Hooters, with Lerry Shae, and prceeded to eat chicken wings and get drunk! Then to top that off, Saturday when we went to collect Tessa in Cisco, Pat and Tammy have burgers!! WTF! Istnt there any way to keep Pat from hijacking the body and consuming animal??? OMG, this has to be the most frustrating thing. Not feeling like youre in control of yourself, or your own body.
On the drive back today, Tammy was watching this video on YouTube, which was a girl who has DID, and videod several of her Alters. I do not feel ike I have any of these symptoms. I do not even come close to resembling the crazy shit I see here, https://youtu.be/cjemK803l2M
I am not sure what to think. I rarely even goto Youtube, just because if its on the interenet it has to be true, right?!!! Bonjour!! LOL I am currently struggling with this. Not just the rammifications of living with this, but the very concept of the possibility it does exist at all. Is this my deluded messed up brain just making a fantasy life so I can feed some inner need to be unique or interesting? Are the doctors and therapists wrong? I dont rememeber anything that would qualify as a traumatic event that would have caused this.
So, lets review: I know I am batshit crazy, but to waht degree?, have I developed this disorder in my head to defer responsibility for actions that I ouwld otherwise find the xonsequences both uncomfortable and undesireable?, am I just another malingerer or worse somehting like Munchousens??? I am sure I spelled this worng…LOL. The worst thing in life I believe that anyone can be is a fraud to themselves. How do you knw what a fraud looks like if you cannot even understand who you, yourself actually is?
These are some of the questions that palgue me. I read articels from scholarly folks that make arguably good points as to the validity, and likewise the invalidiity of hte diagnosis. Thus furthering the dispair that is now consuming my intellect. I have in the past considered my self to be a fairly intelligent humanoid. I am at times able to not only read situations, but people like a manual for tinker toys!, however I cannot see insude myself long enough to try and even know what, or who I am.
This is the struggle that plagues me today!