Having DID, or multiple Personalities can be, no let me change that, IS a challenge most every minute of every day! We have the folks at AA beat! They live one day at a time, we live situation to situation. Putting a reference to any kind of time is a bit silly. Time is something we have very little to no concept at all. Time becomes an abstract reality in which we paddle upstream with a toothpick.
The very essence of the switch, or change, can be the most mystifying to us, as well as the rest of you out there. What you see, and what we feel usually noting he same zip code. We can be disoriented, physically ill, faint, appear to have a seizure, the list goes on. I have yet had anyone indicate they enjoyed the experience. The moment we change becomes the next reference we have to a change in time. Everything before just does not exist to us now. We have become,….but whom did we become? This is not a rebirth or anything quite as glamorous sounding. This is how we cope with life as we know it. Thats really it. We all cope with life as WE know it. We live together not as roommates, but as head mates in the same body. Like a dysfunctional family trying to navigate the world with a host of life, death and misery. We carry it all as if we lived in it every day. That is what happens when you wreck a child. The child never grows, never feels safe again. We have now wrecked a life and just like a car crash, you can never really fix it right. The more you crash the car, the less it goes back together again. Same applies here. When we switch, we live the previous life behind, and deal with teh situation on hand. One day at a time! HAH! I wish it were that easy.
Many of us with DID, or as we will say from here, “plurals”, have many struggles with coping. This is because we never learned how to deal with anything any any sort fo healthy way. Our coping skills revert back to the most basic primal instincts, that are controlled by basic emotions: Fear, anger, despair, and longing. These are the four food groups of plural living. We feed on these emotions like a duck to stale bread. We understand, and are most familiar in this mode. Chaos is the island we swim to in a storm. Please understand that we do NOT consciously choose chaos. We in a very misunderstand able way, need chaos to survive.
As our journey is continuing and we need to find more definition in our plural ness. We need to begin to mature through the system, begin to finally learn who we can truly be, who we are as a group. We will not have the singular identity that most can understand and relate to. We will have a multifaceted, complex, and organized team. We hope….. For us, and others like us, the team is not an option. We are given the team we are dealt, and unlike the Dallas Cowboys, we cannot trade them or buy out their contract. We are for all intensive purposes in a Sea Org contract! A billion and one years. Its time we learn to live together and get along as best we can.
Soul switching. The last feels as if its just that. As far as we are concerned our souls are separate. Our memories, experiences, and all the things that make YOU, YOU! We have that multiplied by fourteen. When we transition to another identity, most of the time without warning, the feeling can be as intense as a Toal body morphisms, to not even realizing at all. This is mostly dependent on the situation and identity taking over. The most intense changes come as a result of flashbacks or the most fun, body memories. We not only see the event, sometimes visuals don’t even come. We FEEL the event. Our emotions, fear and the sensory information we have stored in our subconscious comes back to life. This all happens in an instant, to you. To us the entire event is replayed over and over, till the adrenaline stops. Then the fun really begins, recovering and coping with THEM!
Them, in this instance refers to the outsiders. Sorry, it is most likely the most difficult part about being plural. Those of you reading this that have only one soul, it’s not your fault. You fear and mock what you don’t understand. I personally think a lot o nth trash that we deal with comes from the fact many people do not want to accept the facts. Being plural does not happen by accident. This is not a genetic disorder or something you get from risky sex. You cannot even get this from a dirty needle! You can however get this from dirty and evil people. This is the ugly truth. If you have this, a very specific recipe had to be followed to get you here. You WERE hurt. The majority of the world does NOT want to see this. Who wants to admit they live in a world that can destroy children, wreck lives and live not to tell. This applies to everyone from “Doctors, Professionals, law enforcement, right down to the bum on the corner. Our recovery becomes simple: Get out, Get Safe, Hide.
I can honestly say this. EVERYONE(s) that is plural, would greatly appreciate people just shutting up about it already! We understand you may have had psych in college, seen this on Dr Phil, or even you cousins next door neighbor from 30 years ago daughter had it; So you are an expert. We have been living with this since we were south of six years old, and we DO NOT have a grip on it yet. You said you were qualified why????!! Please just read us as normal. I you ask a question, be prepared for the answer. Thera Rea many of us that have begun to feel like we should not be ashamed or hide. We shouldn’t lie, or protect the feelings of others who would NOT be as reciprocal in their intentions. We do not try to make excuses or use what we have as a crutch. Simply, we deal with this every moment of every day. Sleeping or awake we never escape. You can handle it for a little bit a time thank you! If you would like to ask a question, or have a chat, cool. Just remember we are people. Plural. More kids than you would think. So if you get a response that sounds like a six year old is talking to you, that is most likely the case. I guess the point here is, don’t be a dick about things.
The more we are aware and begin to now identify when and how we change, the more we are able to then take advantage of the “handoff”. This is more times than not available to us. When we change, we have a brief moment of Coconsciousness, that allows us to process and communicate a bit. We can try to get a grip on the moment before we have been thrown to the wolves. This is critical now that we know about it. We are learning to sense the changes, when we can, and mono;oize the handoff. This however still does not apply in highly stressful situations. We are straight up adrenaline driven here still. Remember, highly stressful to you, is not always the same as what is stressful to us. KEY POINT!!!
Since we were the ones who did NOT start writing this piece, we notices that no one has spoken about triggers. Yes, if you want to see some drastic changes, learn ours and try. Triggers are just what they say. They send us into a change, body memory, into the twilight zone! These could be anything from a smell, a toy, an action or event that would seem otherwise innocuous to most. It could simply be the time of day! We have one of those, ask our family its not fun! There are some common triggers, here is the cliff notes:
- Sudden Loud Noises, IE Doors Slamming, or just closing loudly
- Strong Aftershaves seem to be
- Crying Babies
- Children being publicly berated or physically punished
- Most things Sexual
- Closed Rooms, Spaces. Looks like claustrophobia but not full time.
This is a short list. However the probabilities are endless. The world around us as we perceive it is usually quite different that most others perceptions. As with most perception can be reality. Imagine having the fears of fourteen people all hit you at once in a horror movie. Intense huh? Now turn that into an every day, most times state of living. How would that change you as a small child to adult? Food for thought.
So, the next time you are sitting there and something startles you, or makes you feel so afraid or worried you sweat right through your clothes, put that into a daily, hourly, sometimes never ending moment; Then ask yourself what would you do to make it stop. What are the lengths you would reach, high or low, to escape torture, rape, sodomy, being rented out, or even just to make the beatings stop? What would you do after they stopped? How would you then deal with the world around you? Please let me know, we need to try it.