Hello. I’m Kerry Shae. The oldest child, though I’m 23 and not a child anymore… You get the point. I understand that people here wanna know what it’s like living with someone with D.I.D. or how to handle it. I’m probably not the best spokesperson on that matter…. Truth is I left the house. More accurately i got kicked out. There is good and bad that comes with the territory. The bad can be as destructive as a wild fire. The good can be as blissful as heaven. But there’s no real way to tell what kinda day its gonna be. People more adjusted…. Mature… People that don’t fly off the handle over everything…. They’ll be better at working through things to make a routine and such. I’m not well adjusted… And by no means am i capable of controlling my emotions to stay calm. I have my own laundry list of problems that makes for bad experiences when tempers flare. I’m not sane or normal… But the flip side to that is… Because I’m not normal or sane I understand the reasoning and effects. I often tell my stepdad, when trying to explain the way i am… That I am not stupid. There is a huge amount of wisdom and knowledge in my head. I keep it to myself because of the experiences I’ve had when showing my intellect. People treat me differently because they’re threatened by it, or just don’t like being outsmarted… Whatever the case I learned pretending to be the bimbo was easier when dealing with people. It lead to other problems but those problems are much more manageable. The thing that makes me so smart… Is basically a love for reading and a life I would never have chosen for myself. At this time i can’t recall everything because i have began letting go. I can recall getting beat. Over and over again for any thing that even irritated my sister’s dad. I remember acting out aggresively to get my mother’s attention when all she focused on was work. I remember being blamed for everything that went wrong. I remember feeling so lost and helpless… I remember not knowing how to feel or change. I remember a pit that sat in my chest completely dead to the world. I remember when i wanted to die because surely it was better than not being wanted. I can recall a total of 3 or 4 happy memories. Everything else i have pictures for. I blacked out my past to try and start over. My head is a mess and i know it. I have so much emotions and never learned how to express them or even release them. So they build up till i can’t take it and explode. I learned that i cant bottle it up so i started dealing with it then and there to limit the damage to myself and my relationships… It did not go over well. People thought i had an attitude problem, i do… Just not as bad as others would have you believe…. People began thinking that i thought the world owed me something. I dont. Being beat from a young age will teach you real fast that even if the world owes you itll never pay up and just throw more crap your way because it can. Yes, i have an anger issue, ive lived with a deep seated rage since i was about 2 years old. I was 21 when i finally began to relax on that rage. 19 years of confusion and anger and hatred doesnt just go away. Im much better now… The anger is like a ghost that creeps up from time to time, but im good at dealing with my demons now… Not perfect mind you, but good…. And getting better.
Back to the intelligence bit… Psychology was something that caught my interest early on. So i studied it. Learned why im as messed up as i am, why the people who contributed to me being messed up are as messed up as they are…. I learned. I also learned that i have a really good alarm system in place. It comes as anxiety or a twisted gut…. People who seem odd or not as they say they are twist my gut and i stay away from them. The few that get past that…. Perfect example an ex that cheated on me the whole time we were together. My anxiety around him got so bad that i was physically ill. Because he was lying to me, cheating, and blaming me for going through his stuff to find the evidence i knew i would find. It made me physically ill to look at him. That warning system has saved me a ton of trouble before hand. That with my study of psychology ive learned im really really good at predicting people through their habbits, the way they interact, and the habits they have. I can watch someone for just a few minutes and usually have a really accurate profile of what theyre like. Talk to them to fill in blanks and before the day is over i know the basic person they are. People get wigged out by that, but its how i am. People dont understand that this is what i mean by i can listen just as well as i can talk…. And heaven knows i can freaking talk.
To sum things up, because of the way i am… Im not a good person to look to for a comfortable lifestyle with someone who has D.I.D. but i can sure as hell help you understand it if you can listen just a bit because to me… It makes perfect sense. In my head its a natural thing. I have faces i use…. My stepdad has entire personalities. Its a more aggressive form of what i do. I never split, either because im too stuborn, to lazy, or my trama just wasn’t bad enough to make me split… But its the same understanding. My stepdad has various personalities…. I have faces i put on. Like mask… I have 4 basic modes. Work mode where i just nod my head and pretend everything is fine, rage mode where im ready to fight everyone, normal mode where i just try and chill, and social mode which has several modes in itself depending on who im with or whats going on. No matter which mode im in the wheels are always turning. Im always taking in stuff. Im always watching and listening, even when i dont shut up.
Thank you for your time.
Sorry for the lack of punctuation and such…. I did this from my phone.