Group Solitary Confinement. The struggle for closeness.

If there is one struggle that we can all remember through the history of our life, it is the one for feeling close to anything.  We have felt closer to places, and animals than we ever have top people.  I am sure that is because of our history with humans.  The feeling of being close, not sexually intimate, thats a completely different novella, just knowing that someone else would miss us if we were dead.  One of the most frequent recurring fears we have is being forgotten.  Having no one to claim our body, having no one to remember us in the generations to come.  This to us is being alone.  We can be in a city of millions, completely alone.

As a human being, we are designed to be group animals.  We thrive in clusters and survive this way.  Part of the mating process, is learning to trust in the judgement, intentions, and character, to feel close.  This closeness translates to love and caring in most cases.  In other cases, only horror and fear.  At least for us, we have never found a single person, human, that we are able to feel close to.  We cannot trust the motives of another.  We are sentenced to a seemingly lifetime, in group solitary confinement.

As far as we can recall, we have never felt truly loved by anyone.  OI know this will offend many, however the truth is the truth.  This is no fault from the people that have truly tried to bring good into our lives.  The fault lies before, far before anyone currently in our life.  Mist of these orioles bodies have now expired to dust and ashes.  However the results are far reaching, and permanent.

Before we are ever born into this world. we are instinctively attached to the one who has carried us, the mother.  nine, months in a womb is more time that many people know each other before marriage.  When we make the journey to the outside world, we are greeted by the mother, and usually the father, along with some soon to be forgotten strangers.  However the bond between mother and child is permanent at this point.  This is why mothers who give up their babies for adoption can have a bind that lasts forever without contact.  Fathers, not so much.  The bond has to be grown from love and caring.  When both of these bonds are shattered early on, the results are devastating to the spirit inside the child.

We wish we knew, the feelings of care, love, joy, and closeness.  We have a bind with our daughter I believes makes the grade.  We could never subject this perfect little life form to the horrors that craft our identities.  WE do not understand how anyone could do more than love and care for such a child.  A child that adores and loves us for all ourselves.  Why is it then our parents and caregivers felt so differently?  Who knows, it does not matter anyway.  Wed cannot fix the past, only adjust our actions in the future.  This what we tell ourself anyway.  We re not sure we always believe it, we have to try.

The myriad of failed relationships in our past iOS testament to the lack of trust we have for people.  We have take perfectly good relationships and sent them to the gutter of our lack of trust.   We all say that trust is a natural part of any relationship .  Let us examine this for a minute and see what that means.  Who you enter into what we call, the “real”, relationship stage.  This is not a period of time, but where you start to believe that the person you are dating is “different”, and that there may be a chance they will not hurt you like the others.  As the trauma victim, we are longing fo this “sweet spot”, in a relationship.  The place where they do not know us yet, but they seem to be into us enough to care.  They like us enough to get closer, and we have seen no signs of perceived malice.   This is the worst time fo bus.  This is when we just fall off the edge.  Once we have fallen, we try to be open and honest, sort of.  We let our soft underbelly show more.  We allow ourselves to become immersed int eh seemingly stable emotional state of the other party.  We try to find a sense of humanity that we have lost in their closeness to us.  We are NOT close to them yet, merely in this dopamine induced state of euphoria, that comes from anything feeling safe.  Do not worry, this will not last.

As we progress from the casual into the sensual, we become more confused and ever wary of our new partners intentions.  Why are they with us?  What do they want?  What can we do for them?  What do they want from us?  Where is the breaking point?  What will happen to me when this cashes and burns?    I will be alone forever, just take what you can from it and be ready for the burn, hit reset.

The summary os short but true, at least for us.  As we have no real foundation for what a healthy relationship should be; We continually rub the program we have until we run out of time.  How can we know what is safe and what is not?   We cannot.  Our experiences teach the opposite.  We know that when someone says the y love you, there is a totally different connotation there.  Love for us is pain.   Pain, under control, can be life-giving.  Thats another story.

Many of us try so hard for closeness, we think sex will get us there.  We try hard to produce the best product, so as to get the best results.  Which for us means closeness and intimacy.  Not the physical kind;  We have has enough of that.    We use the one thing that so many have used before us for their own needs.  The body.  We sacrifice our body and soul trying o find that which eludes us.  Like trying to find a unicorn in a rainbow, we doubt that success os coming to us.  We still however give it all.  The body has been through so much in the Blake of the quest, only to see our body wrecked, and our souls tormented.  So why should we continue to try.  We devastate ourselves even further, falling into more shame and self loathing.  We reassure the belief of  ourselves, to be worthless.

With a great deal of therapy and struggles, we are now learning that we do not have to have the at feeling fo closeness to another to survive.  We are discovering,  as we learn about ourselves that we are good people, mostly!  We see that we are different through no fault of our own.  We are learning that we can be in control and safe without the validation of anyone.  Though this seems a defeat, or submission  to the fact we cannot have what the bulk of others do; We see this as a victory.  We are able to see we are “good Enough”, we are just fine.  We do not need the validation of another person to not only survive, but thrive.  We are still working on the thrive, but were closer than we have ever been.  :earning that our needs are very different that others is important.  When the light bulb comes on the feeling, is liberating.  The first time you experience it, indescribable.

If you or a family member suffers from trauma, or anything else that make them feel like they are less than a person, remember this:  You can surround yourself with as many people as you want.  Keep your walls in place, just make sure to always, keep the front door key handy!  YOU are in charge of how your relationships progress.  YOU do not have to settle fro less than amazing, as you are!  YOU, also have the right to be safe and happy!  YOU, are the only ones that can make these choices.  Removing the toxic people from your life is step #1.  Toxicity knows no boundaries.  DO not let your fears of loneliness keep you in that waste dump we all have in our minds.  Stretch out a hand now and again to something new and different!  We already know what the same choices will bring us, right?  Get out of your comfort zone, or at least examine the hell out of it.  Most likely were contributing to out own self imposed confinement, real or otherwise.

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