New Feelings, New Fears; Is this really, “Getting Better?”

This is one of those defining moments in our lives, where we have an opportunity to either make the choices we have always made, or try something different.  I know that this seems a no brainer,  for many of you reading this.  If your that crazy, why would you choose to make the same choices you did last time?  We think the real question here is, why have we made them so many times already.

Being plural, means having to live in the here and now, as one dear person to me would say.  We have to process things without conscious histories.  We are required to navigate the storms, without studying the charts; We have to react and respond, rather than plan and execute.  Is it a stretch to see why so many of our choices, have less than desirable outcomes?  Why we function most effectively when things are in such Chaos and crisis, that most non-trauma folks are running for the hills or a straightjacket after some time with us.  You cannot compare the rationalizations of a mind broken into pieces, with one that is not.  Just stop, you will end up in the bed next to us at the nut house.

Now, take everyone thats involved in your decision making process, unbeknownst to you, and tell them all they’re sharing the body.  They are NOT in control.  They are  NOT crazy ass individuals, however a conglomerate of other peoples needs imposed upon a child who could not resist.  Breaking him into pieces, based on reactions to the power forced on him.  The fear and shame used to control and break him into the fragments that exist today.   Imagine the diversity of personalities, experiences and conditioned responses that child would have.  Those children would have, that we have.  Now, turn that inside yourself, wondering WHO are we really?  What part of our life is our own?  Do we exist?  Do we matter, or are we just a delusion to bring about the desired change we need to survive that moment.  These are profound questions, that no-one should ever have to truly ponder..

This is where WE are today as a collective,  the Non-Consolidated suspension, like crude oil settling in the tank.  Just as crude, they add chemicals to us all trying to make is more uniform and manageable.  Wanting to extract from us only the parts they deem desirable, discarding the rest.  We stand at a precipice of our own identity.  We can choose the path less traveled; leading us into the unknown.  Making choices we have never made before.  Exploring parts of us we have not felt since we would sit atop Sandy flying through the air.  The parts of that fee SAFE, just with ourselves.  Safe in the fact WE can handle this.  We are learning that WE all have talents and gifts.  We are learning to use them in harmony to achieve our goals, rather than as individuals fighting each other and the world.

So why is this so unsettling?  Why do we feel like were failing?  For so many years we have felt, at least part time like were in control of our life.  We came to mostly accept, that we re mentally ill, and that we made crappy choices.  We came to believe all those things that were implanted as a child, were simply reinforced through adult prejudices and malicious treatment.  So how could we ever begin to make different, choices?  We are crazy, stupid, failures that cannot manage tenor own life, how could we ever make a decision that was not already familiar to us?  Why would we ever feel like we could have the ability to be any smarter than the choices we have already made?

“We have made it this far, which is further than anyone ever thought we would, so why change?  ”

This is the argument that plays out daily, within our circle.  The circle of power I call it now.  Pat, Larry and Me.  Brian has been trying to push his way in lately.  Weird.  We KNOW there can be a different life for us.  Something we have always reached for.  A life that matters to people.  A life where we can help other children and make a difference in their lives, no matter how old the body is.   Then the self doubt kicks in.  Can we pull it off?  Are we capable of more than just leaching off others?  Why do we even wonder, we know we have failed at everything we have ever done, so there.  Why even try.  This is the struggle.  Now we are just beginning to see that WE ARE awesome, and gifted, and all those things we remember hearing, once.  We MAY be able to pull this off.  If we can help just one person in life, ours is worthy of more air.

The dilemma here is a simple, yet due to the fragmentation of selves, very complex and multi faceted.  Like fighting a battle surrounded on all sides in every dimension, diplomacy is key.  Maybe this is why we are, as may of us “plural people”, in sales.  We can shine the light where we need, to survive.

“Today, I need that sale to survive.  Might as well just Give me your money.”

We can honestly remember having these exact thoughts many times.  Right before closing a deal.  Now,  the sale is much more difficult.  As we are all now in the early stages of connection, bullshitting each other is much more a challenge.  There is two sides to every action.  This positive and the negative.  These do not have to be the same to everyone looking in.  Our perspective will choose for us what we deem to be good and evil, Right and Wrong, Spicy or Mild.

We are now in a state of acceptance of truth and fact.  This, and learning that we can achieve more together, as a unit, not a singular entity; is allowing many of us to set aside our old fears, temporarily at least.  We are trying out the waters to see if the storm is navigable.  Clinging to the one thing we have for so long, but never believed existed: Hope.  Hope above all that we can learn to stall our fears, long enough to test the waters. Hope that we can curb our shame, so we can see the greatness we hide underneath.  Hope that after the dust settles, awe will all remain to charge onto the breach, defeating the unknown, and conquering the demons laid upon us at a time,  when we could not defend ourselves.

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