Fooling Ourselves, Lying to No-One

Hello again from the bridge of the Enterprise!  This has been about the hardest week in the last year or two.  This is why we have been quiet.  We have been taking stock, in ourselves, the world, and our current perception of things.

First, let us explore what has brought us here, to this place.  Currently residing in the edge of madness, reason and all that seems logical.  Logic, this seems to be the inherent problem, maybe not at ht surface or even many laters in.  I assure you, logic is found at the core of the issue.  We have been striving to live more authentically as of late.  Logic, rationale, and concrete thinking is the worst for us.  Trying to make sense out of the thins that were forced on us.  Hw do you apply rationale, and logic to these things?

The journey over the last forty years or so, has been anything but orthodox, or conventional.  We have survived, thrived, failed, and started over and over again.   We have struggled to understand “we”, as even to us, we were an impossible dream.  An escape to the place where there was no pain, fear or shame.  We learned to not only be plural,  but embrace multiplicity.  Despite the critics, this occurred from before grade school on,  the incarcerations, hospitalizations, humiliations and broken hearts on ALL sides, we survived!(Multiplied by 13!)

Fast forward to modern times, the body is forty seven years old.  We have subjected the body to all manner of things both pleasurable and otherwise.  We really did not think we could do much more to it, than was already done!  We also have no real memories, or sense of time, so consequences take on an almost trans dimensional, sense of dreamland.    We have scurried about on life, unknowingly to each other, sabotaging ourselves, for both noble and other reasons; succeeding and failing simultaneously.  Consuming those swayed by our charm, and vulnerability and then dragging them into the damage path of fear and mistrust.  Eventually destroying every meaningful relationship you have ever had.  We know this to be true, as we watch the movie of our life, from the back row drive in, unfold and transpire in fashions we could not ever imagine or desire.

As we enter the thirty fifth year of therapy, however only the last 18 months truly beneficial,  we have to take ownership of the actions of our alters.  This is perhaps the second worst thing about healing.  As we have learned that our alters, though independent, are only fragments of the man,  that is the sum of the fragments.  You cannot separate responsibility completely.  The more we learn about each other, the more we communicate and grow as a team.  As a team we can then accomplish things truly great and wondrous; this requires also moving forward in our human development.  We must learn to take ownership.  As we learn to do this, our communication becomes better, and we are able to make decisions to break the circle of trauma.

We recently felt like we wanted to try and enter the world again, professional.  We had been working through this in therapy, discussing amongst ourselves and outside family, and even wrote here about it.  We were convinced we could handle this.  The more we convinced ourselves of this, the more our memories of recent past were forgotten, dissociated as many trivial things in our life.  When the time arrived to emerge, we did as we always do; living like a rockstar, elevating standards do high, we are intimidated by OUR own programmed insecurities, into failure and isolation.

So here we are, seemingly on a superhighway to recovery;  Selling ourselves on the idea that we were “different”, we had this under control.  We preached, believed and even professed from the hillsides!  Look at us now, falling further into the abyss of shame and fear.   The tentacles of the past, dragging us into the pit.  We still wish we could splinter off again, hiding in the places we know exist.  Dissociating life itself.  To live authentically at this point means to control your actions, and choices true to you.  To us.

When one stands on the edge, an invisible force grabs at your insides.  You can feel this pulling you toward oblivion.    This is most intoxicating.  The knowing of an absolute, pulling at your soul.  Inviting you to join, gentle and calm.  The deception is clear, death is cold and harsh.   The force pulling us towards the end is of ourselves.  The anguish, the absurdity of it all.  The realization that we truly have no reason for being here, at all.  Our existence is nothing more than a chain of events that will ultimately end poorly for our species.  The only reality is not in today!  Reality is in the NOW.  The truth is, we can only live in the present.  As someone with DID, the here and now is ALL we have.  our sense of identity, history and who we are is in the moment.  We are fluid in time, leaping from one emotion to the next.

We realize today, at this moment in time, that we are “us”.  This can all change in the blink of an eye, sudden moment of stress, or just an unwanted passing trigger.  Our reality, history, identity is all changed.  Fragments minds cannot sort, organize and process history and memory like others.  We have to draw on the moment, and what limited history we have.  Herein lies an issue, the history we remember is usually related to survival, IE: Hyper-vigilance, Mistrust, and Fight or Flight.  Drawing only from our limited base of knowledge, the decisions we make are very simple.  In many cases, as is with its, complex decisions involving human interactions and social factors, usually come out less than desirable.  We are trying to survive every situation, literally survive.  The social protocols tend to come in behind survival, far behind.

Living in true multiplicity, at harmony with our laters and body, is the goal.  Integration means many things to many people.  We choose not this term.  We do not need or desire,  to ever be just “I”.  Having spent 40 of 47 years as us, we think we are pretty awesome, and that’s fine with us.  We do however need to learn to work as one.  Retaining our identities is paramount to us, and that is OK.  We are learning to foster better and more effective communications between us, sharing histories and memories.  Piecing together as best we can, the lives we have lived.  We are trying to find ourselves in each other.  Trying to be honest with ourselves again.  The easiest person to fool, us.  people have known for years we were odd.  As do we, know we are multiple, now.

We truly hope that we will look back and read this, reminding us that we are the biggest fools, when it comes to something we desire.  We can as always dissociate the things that rob our happiness from us as we perceive it.  We are masters at deception, manipulation and covert operations.  The sad thing for us, were better using this skills on ourselves than anyone else.

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