An Existential Approach to The Integration Question

As we continue this journey through space and time, we realize more, there is no conclusion to our existence.  Even though death is a certainty, reaching the climax of our humanity is certainly unattainable.   The struggle to give meaning to the nothingness that we occupy only brings angst and despair. We are as Sartre proclaimed, condemned to our own freedom.

As we live as multiple, and after fourty seven years, completely aware; our perspective is prismatic by comparison. The insights we now have, part and parcel due to the communication in the system, are only a result of something quite controversial in the world of DID. We have done exactly the opposite of convention. We have knowingly grown, cohesively independent.

Many times as we are, subject to the inexperienced intellect explaining to us how we’re supposed to feel and think. They define for us something they themselves, have never experienced. For many systems, this is not only frustrating, the experience is dehumanizing. Humanity being what is needed most from the complex trauma victim.

Embracing not only our rational, but our existential being; we have gained a sense of identity as a whole. Something we have never experienced in the past. The question in our mind, always piercing into the present. Our inability to move forward. All now seeking to fade as we finally move forward. Not only essentially but existentially. Now moving forward seems less fearful. Less begrudging than before. We no longer have the angst, the dread, we experienced for so long. We were becoming free; as a group-independent.

Embracing our fragmentation has been difficult at best. Mostly, we have spent an endless bad movie, as the main character. Briefly feeling in control, only to find we were farther in the abyss than we could see. Endless searches for answers to our struggles ends in endless questions, and misdirections.

As the physicians pick, as we called it for years. The endless incorrect assumptions, misdiagnosis and psychotropic chemicals did nothing to lessen our suffering. We WANTED to be SOMETHING!! There had to be an answer!!! We never felt we were as everyone made us out to be! The frustration of it all compounded our confusion, causing dread and despair. On a toddler, adolescent and adult. Years of programming. We were the problem. We had to be.

As we came to the point where, EVEN I(we)s, whatever. This gets complicated now. We were starting to have suspicions of our own, thinking we were single. Too funny, looking back. N our journals we find the evidence. Our medical records. School records. We never had a school we didn’t know the school shrink. Red flag???!!

When finally, after over four decades we came to an impass. We needed to face the realities we had before “known”, however never thought. If you understand this. You just do. The tipping point in your mind existence wheee you learn. You, this I are We. You are a singular collective. This is usually quite dramatic and emotional. This I am. It the correct one of us to discuss that. I CAN say for certain: this changes everything for all of us. This is our first milestone. The second being, co-consciousness.

The struggle for a long time, was acceptance system wide. Even now, there are times where some of us question the rational validity of our diagnosis. We have quite the debate, as we always have. See, Reading this you wonder why we wonder. If you are multiple. This seems quite normal. Quite simply, we have normal reactions to very abnormal circumstances. Our normal is not everyone’s. Our existence is actually quite normal for our experiences. Our is existence is only different as we are confined in an essential shell. Our essence cannot define our existence.

We have now embraced our multiplicity as a whole. We are a WHOLE, made up of many fragments. We are as individual as any group of people. We are an individual, group of friends learning day by day to live together. Try having 12 wives. That would be easy by comparison. We are all working now towards common goals. We are all growing Exi-Stentially.

Each alter, as an independent being, has the right and ability to grow. We experience growth through our experiences and the objective observed responses. We then try to work together to determine the best actions to choose. Yes, WE CHOOSE. As we choose to live separate; we come together from a need of existential survival as a single unit. This is DID. Survival. Existential empowerment has been key for us to understand our being. How we, became we. We understand now, only we can give our life purpose. Only we can define who we are. We have the freedom to live each life as we believe.

The weight, that most if not all my DID friends describe, is terrible. A culmination of years of ridicule, abuse, uncertainty, worthlessness, and outright fear, has lead us to the road we are on. The weight we feel is the baggage we have compartmentalized, and stored. We trudge forward bearing the burden laid upon us. We become disillusioned with society, family and even ourselves till only death seems humane. The only thing we can truly control, when all else has been ripped away. When tomorrow seems too far off to see. Yes. We have been.

The freedom this comes from the outright acceptance, is liberating. The ability to be authentic, to commit to our course of action without regret, utopian. As we have been allowed to grow as individuals, our anxieties have faded. Our self confidence, each and all of us, has increased many fold. We are learning to experience old things, with new eyes. We are LEARNING, all over again.

As we grow as a system, we must consciously make a case to each other. We must remain vigilant in our desire to lead our lives in the best way for all of us. Existentially, the best choice for the individual will result in the best outcome for the group. This is not an exercise in governing dynamics. We are not defining a positive outcome through the accomplishment of an essential goal. We are seeking the best existential, good faith choices for all. For this results in the most humanistic result for the group.

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