We we re riding along the streets of Northern Thailand today, heading across town to engage in another futile, and desperate effort to engage with humanity. We spend every day as we have the lifetime before; We trudge through self doubt, self-loathing, and eventually isolation. The latter being where we spend our days. Even in the midst of people, we are isolated from eh. Our body merely a shell, encapsulating the fears and shortcomings that we know live inside.
Suicide, the act of bringing ones own life, in this body, to a definite conclusion is always on our mind. In the forefront of our everyday decisions. We ask ourselves if the chance of ultimate nothingness, is worth the chance that we may one day find a connection in this world, that we feel. Something that we find that reciprocates the feelings we have. We struggle to find even the most tenuous thread of humanity. We can see things inside people. We see the things that they want to hide from the world, and even themselves. We are by no means psychic, we have just seen these things enough to know what they look like. There are more than you think out there. The desire to feel powerful drives them. The need for validation, that they are lacking for whatever the reason causes people to prey on the less powerful; The children.
When you take a newborn child, and from inception, teach to that you love it, and this is the reason you must hurt it, that will permeate. The child learns that to be loved, they must feel pain. They are taught to accept all the guilt, shame and punishment for the entire family unit. This is a behavior that persists well into adult life, and is nearly impossible to correct. Once a child believes, they are the cause for the families issues, they can then learn to accept the punishment willingly. They will also become the child that the caregivers want them to be. They will become the problem child, they will begin to project the image they believe that they are. As I see my self I will become, so to speak. They will continually be isolated in adolescent peer groups, unless they move closer to others that have similar issues. These kids are generally well known, and are pushed aside by the schools as “bad kids”, or “freaks”. This goes to further the isolation the child feels. His only connection with society i knowing he is a bad kid. A bad seed.
As the child grows into adulthood, he struggles to find something he always had sen around him. Normal interpersonal relationships, friends. He does not understand the concept of people caring for one another without pain and fear. Why would anyone do anything nice for anyone? Even as he reaches from his soul, trying to be good to those around him, he is continually let down, leaving only the programming from his caregivers to remain intact. You are on your own, nobody else matters, you are a pice of shit, you will doe alone, we hate you, you should never have been born!. These are the mantras the abused child carries with him, and the pain that was used to reinforce these things is relived very time the memories cycle through our consciousness. This only reinforces that the abuse was validated then, and the feelings that went along with it were correct. How can we ever become a part of anything good, when we ourselves are so bad?
We progress in to middle age, a broken roller coaster that we can never seem to stop. Riding in perpetuity till we just surrender to the lie, or jump to our certain death. The choices are as blurred as the time passing around us. We seem frozen, unable to break free from our own isolation. We reach upwards toward the light, only to be pulled under by forces we know all to well. That feeling of dread and self loathing that keep us warm. Our comfort zone, albeit one of pain and fear, is what we know best. We know what to expect here. We know NOT want to expect is more the correct statement. We know that unconditional acceptance, positive validation, and reciprocated love, will never come to us here. There are no surprises for us.
We often ponder taking the last thing we can in our control to exercise, suicide. We ask ourselves about the aftermath, how would others in our life feel, what would be the devastation to them? Honestly, we do not see much of a downside, other than our daughter Aaliyah would be affected for a while, and of course the clean up. When your reasons to not die, are reduced primarily to housekeeping, you understand how low your life has come. You are truly below rock bottom. You are searching for reasons to live, and the best you can come up with is the cleaning bill. Yeah, were there. We see so many positives for our own death for others. Some would be able to move onto other relationships, that would be more fulfilling and rewarding, with less drama and pain. Even mores, we would be less of a burden to those around us, not in our immediate family, but in our realm of influence. The people around us that continuously get to see the show that is Multiplicity, and never understand or believe. We even had a friend tell us, that if we were abused like that, we would have killed ourselves, the could not be real! We have been told by people that claimed to love us, that could we please kill ourselves! That would be the best thing of the whole world!; That was a parent. So why do we not?
Even today, our life is pretty much a shit stain on existence. Even though we try to have a connection here and there, we find that illusions are usually better than the real thing. Much like self love, the real thing can usually be much more emotionally taxing. We are not sure which way to go. We stay in this body, bouncing back and forth moment to moment, wondering if every touch to our physical form is real, what it means, will there be a price to pay? We believe that nothing is without a price to pay. In a sense, we have all turned in to prostitutes of some sort. Some are just more direct about it. Whether it be sex, time, food, whatever the case is. When is the last time anyone has done anything without the hope of reward? Reward takes many forms. WE never hope for reward, just connection, validation through connection. To feel alive and a part of this realm. The only proof we have that we actually exist, is the fear and pain we cannot escape. Our daily dose of self pity is the only true connection we had e to anything, and that is ourselves.
So, I challenge my readers, to explain to us why living in this fashion, is better than taking the chance that all will come to an end. Is the darkness we all enter eventually so bad that we should not embrace the truth of it? Terminal patients are given the choice of ending their own life in many places. Is the complex trauma survivor’s suffering not just as valid? The constant suffering and re-victimization by society. A society so fucked up that they prey on the weak to validate their own power? Who is any person to judge the freedom of an individual to make their own choices. There is no two people that have experienced things identically, or processed them same. Why is it my pain and suffering is any less valid that another? Just because you cannot see my pain with the naked eye, does not mean its nonexistent ? The pain of an abuse victim extends farther into the soul than the wounds on the surface. They NEVER heal. The feelings of worthlessness and insignificance are far worse than anyone can imagine. For years we wished we had some terrible medical ailment. Hospitals were safe places, and people would be able to see our pain. When you a trauma survivor, you even have to convince your doctors the trauma happened, sometimes you yourself do not even know. How can anyone do more than just took at us and call us crazy?
I want t he opinions of my few readers. What are your true opinions. Is suicide really all that bad? Can we finally validate our existence through ending it? Or do we continually live int eh pain, surrendering to the life we have, hating ourselves, and just like when we were being abused, wondering if it will ever end.