The Executive Committee.
We are now entering new areas of life, daily, even hourly. We are traveling the uncharted ground of day to day, system management. We try and look at our life as a complex business, that has to be run efficiently, in order to survive. That last bit is critical, as our body has been running for so long in survival made, that is the environment we understand.
The executive committee of our system, i made up not by the strongest, or even the oldest, of our parts. This group consists of the parts that have been responsible for the bulk of our critical functions. Food and shelter, resources, safety and security, as well as our “emotional regulation”. These things are considered to be the essential functions for survival. Our system, throughout time, has operated as thirteen independent, and sometimes warring, entities. Each one having individual beliefs, fears and desires. With only one body, almost no memories, and zero support system, the system ran out fo control for decades. Pushing us into a seemingly perpetual cycle, repeating the terrible nightmare over and over.
Several dominant alters had come to surface. Alters that made things happen when we were in dire straits, alters that would step in as a moral compass, alters that could sacrifice their fears and body, for the sake of the system, and even alters who can desensitize, and take anything you can throw at them and laugh. We had created our support system, however they had no real idea, we were all here, together for eternity.
Upon the “awakening”, we have been experiencing since 2014, we have come to know most of our system. initially, you would think the facts, of having an internal system, alters, wold be shocking to us. Actually, the realization of our plurality, was not as shocking as the denial of our diagnosis. the acceptance of our alters, was surprisingly familiar. They are the friends I had always needed, their feelings and thoughts, like a warm blanket, on a cold night. However the realization, and subsequent therapy to come to grips with the reality fo our abuse, was overwhelm at best.
We now have taken these more dominant alters, our guys, so to speak. Everyone has ” A Guy for That”. In our case we have several, and they are almost always present; even when we are not.
Larry, our most controversial and misunderstood alter. Also the smartest, and one of the smartest on the planet. We were a child prodigy by age seven. However Larry would not surface till much later. He tested at 165, and is absolutely not ashamed to use, flaunt and continue to grow his power. He has only a few rules, System First, whatever he wants second, and he is always right, the last rule. Larry is not un-emotional, on the contrary he is high feeling. However fear is his drug. Adrenaline and crisis are his happy place. an intellectual argument to the death, his dream. Larry is the ultimate maniupulator, button pusher, calculating, well you ge the idea. He takes care of us. He is co-chair of the board. Larry always has to look like he is in a boardroom, and be the sharpest man in the room. That’s his thing. And people always love him at first.
Pat, one f the oldest of us, the second alter to come into being, is a cool guy. Pat is a late fiftyish, Vietnam vet. Motorcycle riding, High Life from a can, mans man. Drinking, and chasing tail are his favorite things. Pat is the no-nonsense, counterpart to Larry. Pat is also our defense, first line. He does not like to fight, but will never run from one. He is perpetually single, and only believes in having girlfriends by the hour. But an honest guy. Always there when shit gets bad, and can take a beating, like Rocky.
Kevin, Me. I am becoming stronger as the days pass. My ability to be an adult, is growing. Like a seeding the sun, we are learning how to make choices, kerning how to say no, and most importantly, that everything is NOT our fault. We are just not that significant and that is ok. We are becoming, something. Pushing further into the void of time space. We are the heart of the system. I am Co-Chair fo the board.
Brian, we had to wait till last to write here. Brian is special. Brian is a young teenager, who sacrificed all for the system. He survived the worst, so we would not have too. He is a quiet, goth, sad and lost friend. Mostly wearing black, and always trying to stay hidden from the world. The things Brian hold inside would make most grown ups shudder and die. Brian is my failsafe against humanity. He holds the key to my life, and death. Brian has no fears, that he would ever express. He has anger, a rage that never really sees daylight. The type of anger that changes your soul. He loves psychedelic drugs, well most drugs, to drink, and can do both to excesses that would have long put most in a coma, or death. He is our cutter, he is also the one who will take u stock the other side, if we let him. Brian is special.
Communicating with the board.
Having a board, or any team, is moot if you cannot talk. Effective ly transmit ideas to one another. This is the fall of most outside, interpersonal relationships, why should internal ones be any different? We struggled, and still do at times.
The first step for us, was acceptance of all of us. Each of us, had to accept the others, as individuals. We had to recognize that we all had a part to play. Finding that part, and organizing it, not so easy. We spent many hours, trying to calm the noise in our head. The noise, that we had carried for years, thinking everyone lived like this? We hoped!!?? We always knew we were different, the other school kids made sure we knew that, but crazy like Sybil!!?? Not us! We we re just lazy, drama queens! That is wheat we were told.
Eerily enough, we found a way to communicate with the board, that didn’t involve too much of anything. We found, of all things, a small game on our phone. This is a pool app. Yes, billiards, that has a game offline, you can play back and forth. We never really cared for playing games with other people, so this was ideal. We began to play, and wow. Larry played one side, and i the other. We stayed co-conscious the entire match, and were able to communicate while playing. The more we focused in the game, the better we can talk. Silly we know, but what a relief.
Since the revelation of this, about three years now, we have been able to let the entire board in on the game. We all discuss our issues while playing pool. We have progressed a little further than this, but still play daily. The ability to let us communicate in this forum, so clearly and definitively, allows for much better everything.
We know that our methodology is not a one size fits all, however certain things we feel are benchmark to a more organized existence. Having a leadership board, a regular method of communication, and the acceptance to allow what is decided in those meetings to transpire. Once ht board agrees to an action, you have to allow the system to carry ou t those actions. Even as the host we have to accept the others roles as critical and important, thus validating their needs. To live without validation, is something that every alter feels.