This is a difficult subject for us to discuss. Even to begin. To try and transpose our food experiences and emotions about this subject, and exhaustive before we even begin. coming to full awareness while in a damaged relationship, is the black hole, of unstable confusion.
When we came it be with our wife, now ex wife, we were coking off the backside of yet another failed relationship. Repeating the pattern of the past. A never ending cycle it would seem, of joy, happiness, self loathing, fear, anger, guilt and shame. Every time the cycle completes, we would relocate and start over from the beginning.
Having no sense of value, or self worth, our standards in relationships were equally askew. Constantly seeking out something different, and yet landing in the same airport, time and again. We made excuses for others, as we felt we were the Eason they had problems. Even if the person was having issues before we came into play, we shouldered that responsibility, trying to rescue them. We were always seeking out a broken wing to mend. This seems to be the only thing that makes us feel whole in life.
Tammy was a sweet lady, messed up, with three daughter’s, from three dads. She was working three jobs, and her girls were raising each other. Game, set, match.
We were in full denial of our multiplicity at this time. Larry was charming and sweet. Tammy was in full survival mode as well, and she was kind to us. We had the chance to save these girls. We couldn’t resist. We liked the fact that Tammy was good to us. We were all pretty content.
Years went by, and we had to relocate a couple of times, all while Tammy and the girls were in tow. To them, this was an amazing adventure, taking them around the world. To us, we were running. Running as far as we could from anyone who may know the truth about us. The truth that nobody really knew, but they were confident was always there.
Finally, a time came in 2016, when the movie came to a crossroads. A point in our existence where I, did not become “we”, but in effect accepted” we”and became able to communicate. We remember it well. We were on a family vacation, being happier isolating ourselves in the master bedroom, and accepting the resulting family ridicule later on. We began to be able to not only hear the noise in our thoughts, but the hey began to make sense. Almost like an automatic translator had been slowly dialed into frequency. We could truly begin to accept our plurality.
Shortly thereafter, we began to seek alternative therapists. We were not getting anywhere with the one we had. In all fairness to her, she had no idea what she was dealing with. In fact, when she did learn of “us”, n mid session, we hat would become our last session. She truly lost it, and we feel terrible for that. However this event would spawn the need for an actual Trauma Specialist.
When we first contacted Becky, we had actually been contacting her already. Several alters had been searching for resources to help us. Becky came highly recommended. We learned later, the other area therapists we had left messages for, had also contacted Becky, all of them passing us off to her. We had no idea how well she knew us, the first time we met. Wow.
After a short time in therapy, and at this time she was seeing the whole family both separate as well as together. Becky told both Tammy and Us, together, just as we progress through therapy, she would need to work on her own baggage as well, in order to make things work. She had seen this many times, and when the IP, identified patient, begins to recover and maintain mental health, the SO, significant other, who fail to participate in the process, lose their relationships. She was very clear on this point.
As weeks, turned into months, and into years, the most consistent thing in our entire lives, we’re the sessions with Becky. We made more of an effort to not only attend, but participate. To allow her to guide me through the darkness, and able to see the truth from the madness. To begin for the first time. That we are all allowed to be ourselves, and that’s ok. She not only validated all of our existence, but taught us to see our true selves. Both as of individual alters, but a collective entity, we call The System.
We began to not only learn system management, but how to allow the alters to grow, and experience their own life. We began learning to adult, as a group. None of alone, has the ability or wisdom, to make adult decisions. We are after all fragments, of the greater Kevin. So we had to learn and make our perceived disorder, a monumental strength. Little did we know, we could be a perception powerhouse.
Hyper vigilance. Something most trauma survivors learn about in recovery, later in life. However the experience of living in Hyper Vigilance, is something we’re familiar with for many years. The now hard wired, heightened sense of awareness, that keeps you safe, makes you miserable, and eventually kills you.
We are a system plagued, as most are, with guilt. Misplaced guilt lost would confirm, however we carry like a cross to bear. Reaffirming in our worst moments ,the things we have worked so hard in recovery to be lies. We still, fight even now To push back the self doubt, and self loathing, so we can progress.
As our therapy progressed, so did our sense of self worth. We learned, that it is not only good, but required, to be selfish. It is ok not see yourself as good. Perfection is not required. These revelations may seem small or insignificant too many. However for us these were revolutionary. These were allowing us to see ourselves differently. Our perceptions about ourselves, evolving into something more positive and warm. Just as Thoreau teaches us, We began to define our reality through our perceptions of self; Both as a collective and as as individual alters.
Our SO, Tammy, was never a bad person. She was in fact a lot like us. Damaged from years of parental neglect and family abuse, amounting to a lifetime of poor set image and fear based decision making skills. In fact, between the two of us, she was by far the sanest one. She was fairly responsible with her life, although never getting ahead, she would always manage to tread water. We respect her to this day for many things.
Issues began to arise as our perceptions changed. As we began to realize, we had the right to extricate ourselves from the pain of constant strife, friction began to build on our relationship. Things that occurred in the last, that we tolerated, we became quite resentful. To add insult to injury. We began to raise our own standards, for not only ourselves but our daughter.
Our SO, was resistant to therapy. Either but not showing up, or not engaging. The therapy sessions she attended, were in her mind about the system, and not her. She would proceed to explain how she understood DID and she had a great handle on things. She did not need therapy. She was the only one in our house who did joy need it. She was fine. Nothing was further from the truth. This became the wall that was building between us. This wall would eventually not block her out, but allow me to sit atop, and look objectively, without fear, into my own existence. How clear things became.
In all truth, we have had to as a system reconcile ourselves with yet another failed relationship. A time again where we had no boundaries, and no self love. We continue therapy even though my relationship, is no longer solvent. When we first began therapy, it was our goal and determination to save our family. Looking back now, almost five years ago, the idea saving the family was deluded. There was never actually a family there. We were a group of damaged people, all holding on, afraid to be alone. Today, we are in our most successful relationship, with many boundaries, and the knowledge we are an awesome catch, and even better dad. Surprising when we control our actions, through our own authentic and existential choices, how much different the movie can be.