The Safety of Unfamiliarity

We are currently at 40000 feet and traveling back to our current home. As we have over fifteen hours to our next destination, we have been reflecting. We have always been most at ease when we travel. No matter the reason for it. Work or play, immigration or just good old migration, we are most comfortable when we are completely unfamiliar to our locale. We are safest on the move. We choose flight, and the beautiful anonymity of travel. Being completely surrounded by strange people, places, foods, everything. The less we know about a place the more appealing it is. Not because we like the adventure, because we’re a stranger there. We become the anonymous anomaly.

Being plural, we have suffered most of the abuse, abandonment, torture and fear, at the pleasure of those who claimed to love us the most. For us the phrase “I love you “, carries a terrifying message hidden in the voices of those that speak it. We are the victim of convenience. We are the victim of choice. Many times we struggled to grasp how we could be so terrible as to be responsible for everything wrong in our family. These things must be true. They could not treat something they loved so much unless we were that terrible.

Learning to be comfortable on the move was a skill we developed early on. By the time we were six years old, we had attempted suicide once, ran away twice and moved twice. We had already attended two of thirteen schools. We would go on to live on three continents, and countless cities. As our brother would later say, “we lived as gypsies”. Truer words were never spoken. But why did we live this way? We never knew. Till later.

It has been said that moving, is more traumatic than the death of a close family member. So, let’s examine for a moment the reason we were moved about so much. The truth is uglier than anything Hollywood can fathom. We were running. Being transported as if a trafficked slave. Moved from one place to a far different place at the drop of a hat. Without notice. Constantly ripped from peers, schools and any resemblance of a childhood. The perpetual new kid, already with more baggage than any person should bear in a lifetime. Toting the burden of our abusers insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy.

By the time we had matured to the third grade, we became the obvious social oddity at times. With drastic behavior changes, note running away and self mutilation, we were the scapegoat openly now. Even having our first consensual sexual experience. This was followed with another suicide attempt in grade four. We moved again.

Today, we follow a similar pattern, as we have our entire life. Hiding in plain sight. Becoming what the situation requires and moving on. This is made more difficult with the addition of family. Family number three to be exact. Running becomes so engrained, we choose this over all. Even when, as we do today, choose to wander, we do this alone. Our family choosing to stay put. This was baffling to us at first. How could anyone stay in one place more than a year. People start to notice how we are after a while. They ask questions, and invariably notice a “quirk” about us. Silly them! They all just thought we were BiPolar! We had no idea either. We would become defensive, withdrawn, and self mutilating. Time to start planning our exit.

Lucky for us, some of us are are smart, desirable and even talented. Too bad we could not all work together. What a mess things become as we hide to run. Run to live. Live to run. We have been called cowards many times for this choice. We have borne the brunt of many people, “friends” and strangers alike. Made to believe we were weak for choosing life. You see, to us the only life was flight. To fight was not allowed, and to stay meant death, or worse. We would find a new job, and disappear into the night. Literally. So no one could see where we were going. We didn’t want to get into trouble. Even as a grown man.

The choice to fight or run, may seem like a choice to most. For us, we were in a corner; facing the worst fears a child can imagine. To fight meant the torture would persist. To simply ask why meant a good beating. The answer was clear, why ask. We were the source of all things bad. We had to run. To be safe, meant to be away from them. To be homeless in the open, in a strange place was better. We begged once to be put into juvenile hall.

People couldn’t grasp how a child from such a good family could turn so sour. Ungrateful, was a term we hear regularly. Every time we were caught, they would hand us back. We would endure more severe “punishments ” each time. You see, “fear is the most effective parenting tool”. A quote from our father. A belief he professed to anyone that would listen. His children would behave or wish they had. Our mother, troubled on her own without help, was a pawn in the game. Using us for her own sick games. Taking her anxieties out on the troubled child. The center of her troubles.

By the time we were in post adolescence, we had completely lost any sense of identity. Running as far as foreign countries. Finding solace and peace in homeless shelters. Safe if only for a night. Laying on the floor or the occasional bunk, wondering what tomorrow would bring. Would anyone ever miss us. Would anyone ever want us. We couldn’t think that far ahead. We had to think about what we were going to do for food next day, and where to sleep in the night. Our desires were basic, yet seemed so far away from the floor of a shelter in Soho.

Even now, as we feel much more in control, and in communication with ourselves, we struggle with being stationary. We struggle with being familiar. Will people see the chinks’ in our armor. Can they find a crack in the walls we have constructed so efficiently. Almost instinctively we start looking for a way to stay a stranger to the ones we’re around the most. Family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, anyone in the same county as us. We carry the same fears as the six year old child, sneaking out barefoot in the snow to run away, again. Safety it seems is really only a desire for us. To actually believe we are safe, we run. We have not stopped in 41 years. Even now, In this moment in time, we are flying somewhere else, and already planning another new lace to call home for a short time. We are gypsies hiding from a deadman, still very much alive to us.

The Dark Cloud Cometh

As we approach our travel day, away from Chaing May, the existential angst that has left us for most of our adventure returns.  The body has taken note, and we cannot deny the effects.  The fatigue, pain, and overall feelings of dread and dismay are completely upon us.  This is not a coincidence, this is the body keeping score.

We feel as if a storm cloud is approaching;  Ominous and powerful, rolling into our existence with unrelenting force.  our body is telling us what the rest of us already knows, we do not want to leave.  Chiang May, has ben a saving grace for us.  we have been able to be open and honest about everything in our lives.  We have stepped out of the closet and into the light without fear.  For the fist time, we can be free to be us, and we love it.  Now we return to the confines of our modest home, surrounded by the walls we have constructed so diligently, to keep us safe.  Walls that so much are invisible to the naked eye, protecting us form the stereotypes and judgements so many seek to pass on us.

As the time comes closer to travel, we grow depressed, both physically and mentally.  The ailments that plagued us so intently, mysteriously vanished in Chiang Mai.  The fears, primarily if people, that we seem to have quashed, and rid ourselves of are now seeping back into the existence we have so relished these last three weeks.  Even with the antics of the alters, we still were able to breathe here.  We were able to be “us”, instead of just being one of “them”. This is what we will most most about Chiang May, living in the light.

Friendships forged in the expat community, are always fast to be made, and just as easily can take extended leaves, without consequence.  We learn to accept on face value the human in front of us.  We learn to be accepted by those around us.  Learning to accept the opinions of others, especially when they’re of a positive nature, is quite difficult for us.  However with existensiality, of the Chiang Mai community, we can feel confident the accolades we receive are nothing more than truth.  Truth is now something we are growing to see, doesn’t have to be painful.  Truth can be quite pleasurable and freeing.  When immersed in an environment free from prejudice, hate and blanket insecurities, we can then begin to develop our own sense of identity; as we are no longer trying to “be” what we perceive what others desire us to be.

The cloud, blocks the light from reaching us, drowning us in angst, and pure existential crisis.  we KNOW, we are NOT living authentically, or in good faith, by abandoning such a place.  We also know, we have the ability to choose.  As we CHOOSE to return, we have to accept responsibility for this choice.  Even as our choices are in somewhat bad faith, we know that to have balance we must at times make such choices.  In order for us to reach our goal of living as we have in Thailand, we must sacrifice, to ultimately succeed.  We must throw ourselves further into the darkness in order to come back into the light.  We must weather the storm.  We must survive once again.

The blanket of anxiety that used to be our security, keeping us warm and safe, when we only had life and death to choose, now seems foreign to us.  We no longer want to stay hidden in the shadows, only peering out to see if the world was still turning.  Fearing everything and running from everything.   Chasing only a dream from one broken part to the next, in hopes of conscious tranquility.  The hope of one time being able to relax, breathe, and grow.  This for us the ultimate achievement.  Bringing all of us into the light, so that we may develop into something better, something useful, something desirable.  I accept the cloud that comes now only because, the cloud is now demonstrating to us just how happy we have been here.  Free, breathing and serene.

Being an individual, in a system of thirteen, can be a challenging and even frightening task.  We have always had each other to lean on, even if it meant exponentially complicating things!  We now know, that we can co-exist, in a. way that interfaces well with the world.  We can be desired, accepted and even respected.  We no longer need the darkness fo the closet to hide in.  We are reborn in the light of existential freedom, power and truth.  We are an individual, working as a group, to attain a common goal.  We are most certainly “WE”.

We will return to Chiang Mai, in several weeks.  We hope that the cloud, although familiar to us, will not continue to follow us till we return.  We also know that many of our own choices can effect how the cloud moves about us, transferring the negative energy stored inside.  As we return home to Texas. to our family, we know many negative things await us.  We know that the crisis will persevere, only till we change something in ourselves to either change it or die.  We choose life one r death today, at this moment.  We choose NOT to let others make our choices, as we are FREE, we are powerful, we are striving toward inner peace and balance.  Back in six weeks.  L

Existential Empowerment

 

 

 

Achieving Existential Power

Existentialism, which like may philosophies, has been viewed as obscure, and in many cases almost meaningless to the common man. May philosophies have been all but dismissed as impractical studies, reserved for intellectual elites, and scholars. These studies are reserved for those who do not need to push through, in the seemingly cruel hamster wheel we call life. This could not be further from the truth.

Even as existentialism has been perverted into another convoluted and distorted intellectual idea, the foundations remain. Existentialism is for the common man.Never before has there been such predication in a way of living, that speaks centrally to the core struggles that the majority of us make on a daily basis.  Never before has there been insights that were so profound, yet applied to the most basic principles of life itself.  We find ourselves again staring into the abyss of angst, searching for meaning, reaching for hope.

The tools we need to achieve purpose, have always been with us.  We are sentient beings, on a cataclysmic journey, one moment at a time.  We are undefined, un-purposed and completely lost in ourselves.  The angst we all feel, or anxiety in modern terminology, comes from the inherent knowledge deep down that we are all completely free, mortal and completely meaningless.  We have the freedom to define our essence in every turn. We hold the keys to purpose and meaning, yet we continually look for the keyhole rather than building the lock.

Mankind, has now progressed leaps and bounds in rationality.  We have progressed far in technologies that seemingly bring leaps forward in our struggles to defeat our own design, our mortality. science has for all of its advances in medicine, communications, in nearly every aspect of our daily lives. However, we have fallen further away from the humanity, the existence that makes us human.  We have lost the balance that is required by all living things in any ecosystem.  We are ushering out humanity for a false sense of immortality.  In truth, we are no further along in our journey to fight what is unbeatable, than we were many centuries ago.  At the core of our existence, we know this.  We live in denial of these things every moment of every day that we do nothing to rebel against it.

We are not meat to rebel against the intellectual structure we run to almost mindlessly.  This is the true surrender of our freedom.  Freedom is never won in battles, you cannot give freedom to another person.  Freedom cannot be won, or taken away from anyone.  Freedom is an individual’s personal choice.  We are all born free, and we are taught from a young age to yield our freedom to the mass templates we are thrust into.  Thus, the focus and priority given to fields of study, that are considered practical, and rational; labeling the humanities as impractical and irrelevant to the common people.  This could not be further from the truth.  The truth cleverly hidden by our own fears of freedom and exploited by the boxed in, rational believers of the times. Existentialism, as we see it, is the only true answer for the common man, to reach his un-pre-destined greatness. To experience empowerment through freedom, to feelalive in actions, to choose their here and now.

 

II

Authenticity.

Jean Paul Sartre, one of the most influential minds of our known history, stated that for one to be truly free, we must live in good faith, or live Authentically. This can mean many things, the most apparent, honesty.  However, this is not truly what is meant.  Authenticity Is living to what YOU believe is YOU! All we have to do to live authentic, is to be free, and thus authenticity and freedom, are indelibly linked, almost cosmically as it were.  The ability to know you can make your own choices.  This applies to ALL situations, every moment in time.  If you are living in good faith, freedom abounds. Only we as individuals can be free; it is then by this definition that we can never be free in groups. Freedom can never be given, earned, won, or stolen.

A core principal in existentialism, and one we believe has been lost due to the overbearing systems placed on us by the masses, is brutal honesty.  As we have seen throughout time, man himself, is an honest being.  This can bring about many discussions and debates all in itself, however, the primary fault of intellectualism is deceit.  The rational side of our lives, or the essence, fears mortality above all.  Death, we cannot understand what we have never experienced.  Man has since the age of the first breath, fought with his own mortality; sacrificing his existence, freedom, and even families in the pursuit of immortality.

As a group, mankind has defined itself through conquest, suffering, exertion of power, and the appearance of infallibility. At the heart of all oppression are the core traits of bad faith, the one thing that can insure the ruin of us all. Fear, secrecy, and most of all deceit. We as a species feel the need to deny the truth about our mortality in many ways.  When we as individuals, allow others to determine what truth is, we have surrendered not only our freedom, but our individuality.  When we subscribe to living in the mass consummative and monetized systems, we relinquish ourselves.  We also relinquish, at least we are taught to believe, any responsibility we have for the actions of the system.  This fear of responsibility, accountability, is the motivation for surrendering the one thing we all publically vie for, freedom.  The further we fall in to the seemingly warm and safe, authoritarian existence, we find that angst we were so vehemently trying to escape has now enveloped our entire being, existence and essence.

 

III

Let us now, take what we have discovered and apply to our modern, contemporary lives.  Most of the beings we see today, circling around in endless patterns of preprogrammed existence, never following their authentic instincts, carry with them the anxieties we all seem to be exposed to.  Moving in ever infinite circles, just as our predecessors.  We wake, breathe, feed, breed, and die, just as those who came before us.  We give artificial meaning to things in our lives to attempt at relating some value to it. We chase corporate consumerism and monetization to somehow quantify our existence. Like the man drinking water from the sea, his thirst never quenched, yet growing stronger by the moment, until he relents to the only thing which is certain; Death.

Charlie Chaplain, made the comment in one of his speeches:” man feels too little and thinks too much”. This is applicable today, nearly one hundred years later. This constant proves the unescapable angst mankind carries due to awareness and cognizance.  Existentialism, is not a philosophy for the obscure, ivory tower intellectuals that should like to sit around all day discussing concepts and ideas that have little, to no meaning to the masses.  Much like theological doctrine, philosophy was created for the aristocrats.  Existentialism, is not so arrogant that it attempts to define human beings, and tell them what their purpose is, rather to set free the human spirit and allow mankind to make himself whole through freedom and self-exploration without deception and dystopic pre-conceptions.

The most challenging step in any process, is the first.  Here, we must first take action to become or at least, to attempt to live in good faith. As Authenticity, or the act of living in good faith, is purely individual and a unique journey, only the individual can ascertain exactly what the journey will be.  The act of “being”, is critical in the existential path.  For only can the individual define their essence. This is the only true Authenticity in life.

The journey to determine what one is, must first start with what one can be.  As we are thrust into existence, naked and unknowing, into an existence that is somehow pre-conceived?  Pre-planned? Is this really the case?  NO.  The paradox here is profound.   We are born as individuals, into a group.  The paradox of the very fact is cataclysmic in nature.  We are seemingly created as a single, self-contained being, yet we are thrown into essence from the start as part of a collective.  This is not on purpose, as nothing is.  The absurdity of this would never stand to reason in the rational mind; hence “das Angst”.

We are taught, from the first time we can feel,not with our conscience minds, but with something much more powerful, our existential sprit.  The very beginning, when our spark of existence comes to be, we begin to paint the canvas of our own essence.  As adults, already having many moments of programming, experiences, and knowledge, we come to a point where we seem to find hollowness in our existence.   We look for answers to why we are here.  We develop angst.  This develops earlier and earlier as we now continue to transmit our angst inter-generationally, up through time. We are now creating magnified copies of ourselves, rather than crafting the future, we simply and knowingly promote our insecurities, embrace our fears, and teach them to our offspring.

As humans, we are laden with all of the fears, lies, ignorance’s, and even the prejudices of those who are our caregivers as young humans.  Even if we are without caregivers, our existence will ALWAYS, struggle to survive. Like an empty sponge, will soak up whatever stimuli is offered to it.  We WILL in lack of positive or authentic interactions, accept anything.  Many times, in history, we have seen people flock to tyrants, when other leadership is exhausted or otherwise unavailable.  With an insurmountable push towards despotism, the ultimate goal of corporate consumerism.  We KNOWINGLY, sacrifice our freedom in the name of acceptance, and security in the masses.  We sacrifice our own individualism as well as that of our charges.

When trying to determine what is authentic to oneself, we almost always get caught up in others.  This is NOT an accident.  Our rational mind has been taught that self-love, self-care, almost any activity or belief that centers around individualism and self-reliance is deemed as negative.  We think to care for ourselves first is rude and somehow counterproductive.  We believe that honesty in the face of reality is summarily and more shockingly, readily excused for deceit regarded to be “socially acceptable”.  The reason we are so wrapped up in everything else OTHER than the here and now, the reality that is right on top of us, becomes apparent; we are driven away from self, and driven to us. We are programmed from conception that we NEED the group.  There is little doubt why we cannot think in self, without being called selfishin a negative connotation.

Becoming self, is the first critical milestone in reaching authenticity.  To simply discuss what it means, is to glance at the abyss.  Staring down over the side of a high place, is exhilarating, fearful and mostly an act of pure inquisitiveness.  The feelings we experience are no different than the ones we feel as we lean over near certain death.  This is the feeling of true freedom.  The individual controls their own life in this single moment.  This in fact is the lure of suicide.  The desire to control what Is otherwise out of control.

Only the individual can determine what is to them, living in good faith.  The humanistic segment of our nature, given no other external processes have corrupted it, will most always after the desire to survive, will not choose to harm another. This is true of most creatures. Raw humanity will NOT seek to destroy itself in the individual setting.  There has never been a war waged by one man without validation from other men.    This is the nature of survival.

 

IV

Reactions

 

Ask yourself, do I, all alone in the dark, and without the validation or criticism of anyone else, feel as I am good to myself? Am I whom I want to be as an individual? This is good faith.

As an Individual, we can have limitless power.  We can see things others only view as obscure or meaningless.  In these things, we will find that we can define our essence by applying our freedom to everyday tasks and ideas.  We can control the Angst, defer the demons, and to the perception of many, become powerful.  This is the trickery of existence; your power was already within you.  Only the individual can release the power of freedom. All mankind is inherently powerful.

At the core of gaining your existential power, is the reality of what the individual can and cannot accomplish. What are we truly capable of? To determine this, we must first realize how things happen.  Many believe in the simplistic narrative of cause and effect. However simple and accurate this may seem, there is much more.  As the canvas of our existential self develops with exposure to external stimuli, even early into our days, we are sent askew of truth, and authenticity. Even this it seems to indicate the absurdity of everything.  For if an omniscient intelligence, truly created us, and has a preconception for us all; would the this far superior entity have foreseen the obvious design flaws of humanity?  The anxieties induced from mankind’s lack of anything more than instinctive survival, are the cornerstone of all evil.

V

Time

Time, is such a critical factor in all things existential.  In fact, in our opinion time is actually an artificial concept used to give quantitative meaning to existence. This idea that the distance from birth to death, must be somehow measured, and assigned value, is absurd in itself. The idea that life, is anything more valuable than the individual that indeed holds that life. The individual’s right to their OWN existence.  Freedom to choose the one absolute that we are certain, that at some moment we will all return to nothing just as whence we came.  Measuring this space in time, only serves the insecurities of lesser beings; beings that flock to the masses to escape their own mortality as long as they can deceive themselves.

As we are applying our existentialist-like theories in contemporary life, we must however function in the rigidity that is time as we know it today.  To say that time does not come with many conveniences, that otherwise are impossible, is completely untrue.  Time allows us to deflect many things, quantify our essence and thus assigning value. Time allows us to give essential value, to our existence.  This is key if we are truly, to harness our power.

VI

Power from Balance

Learning to live in balance with the essential as well as the existential, is another key component to nurturing your inner power. The strength required trudge onward into that next moment in time EXISTS in our freedom.  The ability to not only choose the NOW, but to push into the future, writing the present.   Each moment in time thrusting us closer to towards our only assured destiny. This is the luxury time affords mankind.  Only conscious mankind experiences time, as we are the only intelligent life, naive enough to believe the deception.

The fears and anxieties we experience, as we try to define our essence while neglecting our existence; or transversely, ignoring our rationality to feed only the existential, proves equally detrimental.  Authenticity leads to individuality, which leads to balance in the two realms of being. As we find balance in good faith, angst recedes, power from freedom thrives.  The existential spirit becomes rejuvenated and alive once more.   In this moment, true power manifests.

 

Power originating from individual authenticity, is the greatest source of energy in the universe.  For if man Is to survive his own extinction, he has these tools in his possession from conception.  The power to survive and thrive can ONLY be as an individual.  Mankind’s angst and fears stemming from the emptiness thrust upon him drives us to seek power in masses.  This deception only serves to deny the inner peace, that comes from empowerment of self.

How do we come to recognize our power as we discover?  How do we insure that on the journey to strength, we stay focused on the course without haste or distraction?  Only through constant existential inventory of ourselves, are we able to always stay focused.  The focus of the individual can never be subsequent to any other desire.  Only through learning to live as an individual in the here and now, making choices about our actions through humanistic exploration, can we make decisions, we as humans can accept responsibility for; Thus increasing our power.  The more we accept responsibility for the individual choices we make, the further we exercise our freedoms and thus gaining in the only true power.

 

VII

Essential vs Existential Instincts

 

We feel since existentialism, in itself is not a true philosophy as defined by the scholars, and intellects dating as far back as Plato, then conventional theories are moot.  Only by pushing the limits of perceived ideas, can we truly than begin to express our power through freedom.  As with any great idea, you must nurture the dark, with the light.

When we come into existence, we are nothing. We are thrown, quite literally, into the realm of being.  We are at this point, honest and free.  We survive through our instincts.  These instincts, which serve nothing more than to preserve being.   In this we find proof of the existential spirit.  For if man were to simply be as we assume other creatures to be, oblivious to his fate, then would we require the existential realm?  Would we then have the angst, and the push toward an enslavement we can neither touch, taste, or in most cases, comprehend?  This need to define oneself is rooted in the fact we are without definition.

As we are delivered into existence, we are simple, complex life forms.  The need to sustain our physical, hence, essential needs are paramount. In our infancy, we are given the rational thought to survive.  To feed, breathe, breed, and die.  All of these things are born to us without the asking or realization of need.  The human form, will not discriminate as to how these instinctive needs are met, rather focus on the meeting of these needs.  This is the practicality of the essential instincts.

As humans, we are however cursed with the knowledge we “are”.  We are also bound by the knowledge that we will once again, no matter the efforts and trials, return to nothing.  In this awareness the greatest injustice, was put upon all human kind, hope.  The hope that we can change our mortality, that we exist to do more than doe.  That we have meaning and purpose, that we can somehow become significant.  These things are all false of course.  From the earliest stages of development, we feed our children, and thus BOTH, of the realms of existence, with all of the detritus of an existence filled with angst and evil.  We try to define our own essence through reproduction, which will happen by design regardless of the efforts of mankind to control it.  We attempt to define our essence rather than accepting ourselves as individuals, through child rearing.  This is where the tragedy of angst, and lack of balance can truly be seen in clarity, as our lack of balance, lack of true power, and fear of accountability is most visible as we project all of our deficits onto a blank canvas.

As sentient, aware, and intelligent beings, humans are granted the existence of man. Mankind, has through the ages shown a predilection to denying the existential realm of being, in efforts to relish in the essential.  As awareness matures, and mankind is programmed, we begin to fear our own creativity.  Sartre, believed that genius, could only manifest authentically through creativity, hence art.  Thus, making the statement that true genius is only manifested trough art.  What makes artistic expression so unique and powerful, that only in this way can we experience our true gifts?  Why is it then if all mankind possesses this inner power and freedom, we are so many of us enslaved to consumerism and other tools of mass control?  We choose Enslavement over responsibility.

 

 

 

IX

Harnessing Existential Power

We have discussed aspects of existentiality. Let us now examine how we as individuals can re-capture the power we possess without discarding for the false perception, of safety in numbers.

First and foremost, we must strive to live in good faith.  We must take every opportunity to further the development of self through individual choices, and beliefs.  We must choose to be individual.  Humans are not pack animals, we do not need the group to survive!  Moreover, we need our individualism to live!

Once the conscious decision has been made to seek authenticity over dystopia, we can develop our sense of essence, or purpose. Imagine for a moment, you were completely without the pressures of the world, free to be whatever YOU decide what you were to be? Is this not true power and freedom? The ability to choose for oneself?  Rejecting all, except self, is the only way to be powerful enough, to effect the lives of others.  One cannot be truly free and powerful if he chooses to reject freedom.

The truth of existentialism; we are all alone. We are all inherently free, and we are thrust into nothingness without purpose or reason, until our existential power is identified, and harnessed.   Only then do we learn to define our essence. Man is destined only to have no destiny. We gain true power from self-empowerment, and the exercise of individualism.  Only then can we progress enough to allow for healthy relationships with other life.

We must take back the freedom we have surrendered. Whether this be known or hidden, the power is rooted from doing what the individual believes is right and good.

 

 

X

Closing

 

As we observe the world and the human condition, the damage of self-imposed slavery is undeniable.  Glaring in the face of every man woman and child today. The children reflect the angst of their caregivers, as they are the receptacles of all we need to dispose of.  The weakest of any group, the children take on the role of emotional waste bins.  So, inadvertently, we grow little people with all the damage of adults; No wonder the children are suffering as they, then grow up and have only the examples we have shown them to teach their own, and so on.  This self-perpetuating, circle of misery and angst is evident in the existential dread most dwell.  We need to realize that happiness is only a greeting card idea, used to control desires of the masses.

Happiness in fact, is existential freedom.  Power to be is with us all, the power to deceive self, is equally abundant. Refuse to let fear dominate your existence and harness the power for you and prodigy.

 

An Existential Approach to The Integration Question

As we continue this journey through space and time, we realize more, there is no conclusion to our existence.  Even though death is a certainty, reaching the climax of our humanity is certainly unattainable.   The struggle to give meaning to the nothingness that we occupy only brings angst and despair. We are as Sartre proclaimed, condemned to our own freedom.

As we live as multiple, and after fourty seven years, completely aware; our perspective is prismatic by comparison. The insights we now have, part and parcel due to the communication in the system, are only a result of something quite controversial in the world of DID. We have done exactly the opposite of convention. We have knowingly grown, cohesively independent.

Many times as we are, subject to the inexperienced intellect explaining to us how we’re supposed to feel and think. They define for us something they themselves, have never experienced. For many systems, this is not only frustrating, the experience is dehumanizing. Humanity being what is needed most from the complex trauma victim.

Embracing not only our rational, but our existential being; we have gained a sense of identity as a whole. Something we have never experienced in the past. The question in our mind, always piercing into the present. Our inability to move forward. All now seeking to fade as we finally move forward. Not only essentially but existentially. Now moving forward seems less fearful. Less begrudging than before. We no longer have the angst, the dread, we experienced for so long. We were becoming free; as a group-independent.

Embracing our fragmentation has been difficult at best. Mostly, we have spent an endless bad movie, as the main character. Briefly feeling in control, only to find we were farther in the abyss than we could see. Endless searches for answers to our struggles ends in endless questions, and misdirections.

As the physicians pick, as we called it for years. The endless incorrect assumptions, misdiagnosis and psychotropic chemicals did nothing to lessen our suffering. We WANTED to be SOMETHING!! There had to be an answer!!! We never felt we were as everyone made us out to be! The frustration of it all compounded our confusion, causing dread and despair. On a toddler, adolescent and adult. Years of programming. We were the problem. We had to be.

As we came to the point where, EVEN I(we)s, whatever. This gets complicated now. We were starting to have suspicions of our own, thinking we were single. Too funny, looking back. N our journals we find the evidence. Our medical records. School records. We never had a school we didn’t know the school shrink. Red flag???!!

When finally, after over four decades we came to an impass. We needed to face the realities we had before “known”, however never thought. If you understand this. You just do. The tipping point in your mind existence wheee you learn. You, this I are We. You are a singular collective. This is usually quite dramatic and emotional. This I am. It the correct one of us to discuss that. I CAN say for certain: this changes everything for all of us. This is our first milestone. The second being, co-consciousness.

The struggle for a long time, was acceptance system wide. Even now, there are times where some of us question the rational validity of our diagnosis. We have quite the debate, as we always have. See, Reading this you wonder why we wonder. If you are multiple. This seems quite normal. Quite simply, we have normal reactions to very abnormal circumstances. Our normal is not everyone’s. Our existence is actually quite normal for our experiences. Our is existence is only different as we are confined in an essential shell. Our essence cannot define our existence.

We have now embraced our multiplicity as a whole. We are a WHOLE, made up of many fragments. We are as individual as any group of people. We are an individual, group of friends learning day by day to live together. Try having 12 wives. That would be easy by comparison. We are all working now towards common goals. We are all growing Exi-Stentially.

Each alter, as an independent being, has the right and ability to grow. We experience growth through our experiences and the objective observed responses. We then try to work together to determine the best actions to choose. Yes, WE CHOOSE. As we choose to live separate; we come together from a need of existential survival as a single unit. This is DID. Survival. Existential empowerment has been key for us to understand our being. How we, became we. We understand now, only we can give our life purpose. Only we can define who we are. We have the freedom to live each life as we believe.

The weight, that most if not all my DID friends describe, is terrible. A culmination of years of ridicule, abuse, uncertainty, worthlessness, and outright fear, has lead us to the road we are on. The weight we feel is the baggage we have compartmentalized, and stored. We trudge forward bearing the burden laid upon us. We become disillusioned with society, family and even ourselves till only death seems humane. The only thing we can truly control, when all else has been ripped away. When tomorrow seems too far off to see. Yes. We have been.

The freedom this comes from the outright acceptance, is liberating. The ability to be authentic, to commit to our course of action without regret, utopian. As we have been allowed to grow as individuals, our anxieties have faded. Our self confidence, each and all of us, has increased many fold. We are learning to experience old things, with new eyes. We are LEARNING, all over again.

As we grow as a system, we must consciously make a case to each other. We must remain vigilant in our desire to lead our lives in the best way for all of us. Existentially, the best choice for the individual will result in the best outcome for the group. This is not an exercise in governing dynamics. We are not defining a positive outcome through the accomplishment of an essential goal. We are seeking the best existential, good faith choices for all. For this results in the most humanistic result for the group.

Gaining Identity through Exi-Sential Balance

We have focused greatly on our opinion of the Existential ideology, and how that applies to the consciousness of our humanity, but also allows us to power our own freedom through true choice in actions.  Admittedly, we believe that an Existential attitude towards our day to day lives is preferred; this cannot however be the only foundations for successful living.

We believe that too many philosophies, theologies, and other theories for understanding the inherent emptiness that mankind endures, fails o compensate fo rate reality, that we live in a rational world.  Existence and Essence must peacefully co-exist, to allow our complete beings to grow.  To stifle one side or the other, this to cripple both.

Thus the term, Exi-Sential, is born.  An abomination to the English language, that is very limited on its face, Existential-Sential is to have a harmony between both realms of consciousness; The Existential, and the Essential.  For true harmony in the rational plane, mankind must first find balance and harmony in himself.  This is journey that leads us to transcending all of the freedom and power stored in our subconsciousness, to the hear an d now.  Bringing the questions of purpose and reason finally to rest.  Allowing us to answer questions from our children with an honesty never before known.

Identity

Identity for many, is something they have never known.  We are taught to believe as our caregivers teach us.  We as children, even pre-birth humans in their mothers womb, are absorbing the stimuli they can sense in the world around them.  As external life moves forward,  the child only has the feelings, and sensory responses of his mother to carry with him to the terrifying reality we call life.  For a brief moment, try to fell yourself as a child, for whim most of his entire nine month life, he has been in a state of trauma.  Exposed to abuses or stresses.  This child now is a year old, or 22 months in existential age, has been in a traumatized state for a minimum of nearly half his life!

Try for a second now to take the same life, and expose it to positive and nurturing stimuli. WITHOUT the negatives.  How different would you be?  This is completely true for all of mankind.  We need to start raising OUR children with our GRANDCHILDREN in mind.  The ideas and experiences that pregnant mothers and infants have been thrust into,  can be totally horrifying at best.  We believe as we are pushed further into a monetized society, that as long as the child survives, the mother must soldier on.  We have removed the existential nurturing from both the mother and child, at a time when it is  required absolutely.

The formation of identity, begins to paintFor many people, identitfor an empty canvas, even before conception.  Even as the fears and anxieties of the mother are experienced in her own existence, these are stored in the most rational of places, our DNA.  The concurrence of such an existential puzzle piece, to be domiciled in the most scientific and rational of places.  Is this not just absurdity a the most basic levels!  Is the fact we carry with us the angst of our predecessors, our lifesavers, proof that we are all merely pieces in puzzle for which there is no solution?  Chaos os the definition of random, as are the lives we attempt in futility to bring order to in unbalanced ways.

Many people accept the identity thrust upon them without a moments hesitation.  Falling prey to the perceived safety of the herd. Our identity as humans is not complete without the nurturing and constant feeding of the existential being. As we learn to live in Good Faith, we balance the two filling the void, reducing the angst, and growing forward in time and space. Truly able to reach the vast potential we are capable of.

Perception

Many existentialist fellows, believe that the differences between perception, reality and consciousness are insignificant. The existential, or freed mind, can quite freely meld these stated of being. As we know, a persons perception is and can be that persons reality. If our consciousness perceives something as real, our mind will believe, therefore reality is perception. Regardless of the rationality of a situation, the creativity of the human mind is by far much more powerful.

Mankind has always struggled with the blurring of perception and hallucinations. Are hallucinations more than reflections of our unconscious being communicating with the conscious self? Are the phenomenon of the parapsychological field nothing more than unexpressed personality and angst captured and stored by the body and mind?

More times than not we have purposefully created compounds to “expand our consciousness”. Mankind in the struggle to explore then unknown corners of our hidden consciousness has waged wars and even sacrificed all to gain what they already possessed. Educated by our loved ones and society to stray further from individual identity to group autonomy.

Exi-Stensial Balance

When we learn to delineate between our Humanity, and our rationality, we can then begin to operate inside both realms bringing them together in balance. As we are able to exercise our freedom and grow as individuals, we can then use the purpose we sense to make choices and apply those choices as actions in the rational realm.

The discovery of harmony in a brought about through several journeys, outside of pure good faith. This is where we believe existentialism fails the common man. Even when man is shown existence and essence he will still run to the essential abandoning the existential for lack of a transitional theory bridging the two.

Most of mankind, through centuries of control, is born into an existential prison, much like “The Matrix”. However our prison is ultimately self imposed. We so easily succumb to enslavement rather than face the fears of the unknown.

In severe cases of trauma, children can expand their consciousness unknowingly to survive the trauma. The existential mind in an effort to survive and be free can segment, compartmentalize and even manage multiple personalities. This is all done with such efficiency, in most cases the host is oblivious to the obvious. How can we then fault the every day man for taking the path for which he knows the destination.

Application of Power

As we are now entering our journey to balance. We focus instead on individual choices, and living in good faith. How does this help us with or relationships? Work? Pay the mortgage? All valid questions. As short as time is in our society today, why would we sacrifice anything that has no immediately visible value? Who needs hippie psycho babble when the electric bill is due? Yes.

We have been raised to believe that selfishness is bad and generosity is good. We have been taught to give of ourself. To sacrifice in the name of the greater good. All true. However, before we can give of ourselves we need to have something to offer. We cannot give what we do not have. When mankind pushes forward and gives more than currently exists, the mind answers the call. The body will go further into debt to the mind.

The mind body relationship is critical. They represent the two realms of our lives. Our humanity and our reality. Exi-Sential balance again is critical. Many theories around the world plosives growth in modern psychotherapy is the lack of existential nurturing. Therapy is completely selfish. As we push further into rationality refusing our humanity the angst, hence anxiety, will continue to compound.

As we all make our journeys through time and space, we are all presented an endless array of situations of which to make choices. As we learn to make choices based on two basic principals, we are responsible and our decisions are completely our choices, we begin to truly live. We cannot become solely idealistic. We must, as much as it pains us succumb to living in the reality of time we now occupy. However, to neglect the humanity of existence is just as detrimental as starving the human body of nutrition.

True identity and a sense of fulfillment can only be achieved through the balance and Exi-Sential balance. As we learn to become one with ourselves, we will all learn to become more than the body we’re trapped in. We can transcend time and space, we can harness a power only few have. We can come become a whole, in a world consumed with pieces.

Achieving Existential Power

Existentialism, which like may philosophies, has been viewed as obscure, and in many cases almost meaningless to the common man.  May philosophies have been all but dismissed as impractical studies, reserved for intellectual elites, and scholars.  These studies are reserved for those who do not need to push through, in the seemingly cruel hamster wheel we call life.  This could not be further from the truth.

Even as existentialism has been perverted into another convoluted and distorted intellectual idea, the foundations remain.  Existentialism is for the common man.Never before has there been such predication in a way of living, that speaks centrally to the core struggles that the majority of us make on a daily basis.  Never before has there been insights that were so profound, yet applied to the most basic principles of life itself.  We find ourselves again staring into the abyss of angst, searching for meaning, reaching for hope.

The tools we need to achieve purpose, have always been with us.  We are sentient beings, on a cataclysmic journey, one moment at a time. We are undefined, un-purposed and completely lost in ourselves.  The angst we all feel, or anxiety in modern terminology, comes from the inherent knowledge deep down that we are all completely free, mortal and completely meaningless.  We have the freedom to define our essence in every turn. We hold the keys to purpose and meaning, yet we continually look for the keyhole rather than building the lock.

Mankind, has now progressed leaps and bounds in rationality.  We have progressed far in technologies that seemingly bring leaps forward in our struggles to defeat our own design, our mortality. science has for all of its advances in medicine, communications, in nearly every aspect of our daily lives.  However, we have fallen further away from the humanity, the existence that makes us human. We have lost the balance that is required by all living things in any ecosystem.  We are ushering out humanity for a false sense of immortality.  In truth, we are no further along in our journey to fight what is unbeatable, than we were many centuries ago.  At the core of our existence, we know this.  We live in denial of these things every moment of every day that we do nothing to rebel against it.

We are not meat to rebel against the intellectual structure we run to almost mindlessly.  This is the true surrender of our freedom.  Freedom is never won in battles, you cannot give freedom to another person.  Freedom cannot be won, or taken away from anyone.  Freedom is an individual’s personal choice.  We are all born free, and we are taught from a young age to yield our freedom to the mass templates we are thrust into.  Thus, the focus and priority given to fields of study, that are considered practical, and rational; labeling the humanities as impractical and irrelevant to the common people.  This could not be further from the truth.  The truth cleverly hidden by our own fears of freedom and exploited by the boxed in, rational believers of the times. Existentialism, as we see it, is the only true answer for the common man, to reach his un-pre-destined greatness. To experience empowerment through freedom, to feelalive in actions, to choose their here and now.

II

Authenticity.

Jean Paul Sartre, one of the most influential minds of our known history, stated that for one to be truly free, we must live in good faith, or live Authentically. This can mean many things, the most apparent, honesty.  However, this is not truly what is meant.  Authenticity Is living to what YOU believe is YOU! All we have to do to live authentic, is to be free, and thus authenticity and freedom, are indelibly linked, almost cosmically as it were.  The ability to know you can make your own choices.  This applies to ALL situations, every moment in time.  If you are living in good faith, freedom abounds. Only we as individuals can be free; it is then by this definition that we can never be free in groups. Freedom can never be given, earned, won, or stolen.

A core principal in existentialism, and one we believe has been lost due to the overbearing systems placed on us by the masses, is brutal honesty.  As we have seen throughout time, man himself, is an honest being. This can bring about many discussions and debates all in itself, however, the primary fault of intellectualism is deceit.  The rational side of our lives, or the essence, fears mortality above all. Death, we cannot understand what we have never experienced.  Man has since the age of the first breath, fought with his own mortality; sacrificing his existence, freedom, and even families in the pursuit of immortality.

As a group, mankind has defined itself through conquest, suffering, exertion of power, and the appearance of infallibility.  At the heart of all oppression are the core traits of bad faith, the one thing that can insure the ruin of us all.  Fear, secrecy, and most of all deceit.  We as a species feel the need to deny the truth about our mortality in many ways. When we as individuals, allow others to determine what truth is, we have surrendered not only our freedom, but our individuality.  When we subscribe to living in the mass consummative and monetized systems, we relinquish ourselves.  We also relinquish, at least we are taught to believe, any responsibility we have for the actions of the system.  This fear of responsibility, accountability, is the motivation for surrendering the one thing we all publically vie for, freedom.  The further we fall in to the seemingly warm and safe, authoritarian existence, we find that angst we were so vehemently trying to escape has now enveloped our entire being, existence and essence.

III

Let us now, take what we have discovered and apply to our modern, contemporary lives.  Most of the beings we see today, circling around in endless patterns of preprogrammed existence, never following their authentic instincts, carry with them the anxieties we all seem to be exposed to. Moving in ever infinite circles, just as our predecessors.  We wake, breathe, feed, breed, and die, just as those who came before us.  We give artificial meaning to things in our lives to attempt at relating some value to it.  We chase corporate consumerism and monetization to somehow quantify our existence. Like the man drinking water from the sea, his thirst never quenched, yet growing stronger by the moment, until he relents to the only thing which is certain; Death.

Charlie Chaplain, made the comment in one of his speeches:” man feels too little and thinks too much”. This is applicable today, nearly one hundred years later. This constant proves the unescapable angst mankind carries due to awareness and cognizance. Existentialism, is not a philosophy for the obscure, ivory tower intellectuals that should like to sit around all day discussing concepts and ideas that have little, to no meaning to the masses.  Much like theological doctrine, philosophy was created for the aristocrats. Existentialism, is not so arrogant that it attempts to define human beings, and tell them what their purpose is, rather to set free the human spirit and allow mankind to make himself whole through freedom and self-exploration without deception and dystopic pre-conceptions.

The most challenging step in any process, is the first.  Here, we must first take action to become or at least, to attempt to live in good faith. As Authenticity, or the act of living in good faith, is purely individual and a unique journey, only the individual can ascertain exactly what the journey will be.  The act of “being”, is critical in the existential path.  For only can the individual define their essence. This is the only true Authenticity in life.

The journey to determine what one is, must first start with what one can be.  As we are thrust into existence, naked and unknowing, into an existence that is somehow pre-conceived?  Pre-planned?  Is this really the case?  NO. The paradox here is profound.   We are born as individuals, into a group. The paradox of the very fact is cataclysmic in nature.  We are seemingly created as a single, self-contained being, yet we are thrown into essence from the start as part of a collective.  This is not on purpose, as nothing is.  The absurdity of this would never stand to reason in the rational mind; hence “das Angst”.

We are taught, from the first time we can feel, not with our conscience minds, but with something much more powerful, our existential sprit.  The very beginning, when our spark of existence comes to be, we begin to paint the canvas of our own essence.  As adults, already having many moments of programming, experiences, and knowledge, we come to a point where we seem to find hollowness in our existence.   We look for answers to why we are here.  We develop angst.  This develops earlier and earlier as we now continue to transmit our angst inter-generationally, up through time. We are now creating magnified copies of ourselves, rather than crafting the future, we simply and knowingly promote our insecurities, embrace our fears, and teach them to our offspring.

As humans, we are laden with all of the fears, lies, ignorance’s, and even the prejudices of those who are our caregivers as young humans.  Even if we are without caregivers, our existence will ALWAYS, struggle to survive.  Like an empty sponge, will soak up whatever stimuli is offered to it.  We WILL in lack of positive or authentic interactions, accept anything.  Many times, in history, we have seen people flock to tyrants, when other leadership is exhausted or otherwise unavailable.  With an insurmountable push towards despotism, the ultimate goal of corporate consumerism.  We KNOWINGLY, sacrifice our freedom in the name of acceptance, and security in the masses. We sacrifice our own individualism as well as that of our charges.

When trying to determine what is authentic to oneself, we almost always get caught up in others.  This is NOT an accident.  Our rational mind has been taught that self-love, self-care, almost any activity or belief that centers around individualism and self-reliance is deemed as negative.  We think to care for ourselves first is rude and somehow counterproductive.  We believe that honesty in the face of reality is summarily and more shockingly, readily excused for deceit regarded to be “socially acceptable”.  The reason we are so wrapped up in everything else OTHER than the here and now, the reality that is right on top of us, becomes apparent; we are driven away from self, and driven to us. We are programmed from conception that we NEED the group.  There is little doubt why we cannot think in self, without being called selfishin a negative connotation.

Becoming self, is the first critical milestone in reaching authenticity.  To simply discuss what it means, is to glance at the abyss. Staring down over the side of a high place, is exhilarating, fearful and mostly an act of pure inquisitiveness. The feelings we experience are no different than the ones we feel as we lean over near certain death.  This is the feeling of true freedom.  The individual controls their own life in this single moment.  This in fact is the lure of suicide.  The desire to control what Is otherwise out of control.

Only the individual can determine what is to them, living in good faith.  The humanistic segment of our nature, given no other external processes have corrupted it, will most always after the desire to survive, will not choose to harm another.  This is true of most creatures.  Raw humanity will NOT seek to destroy itself in the individual setting.  There has never been a war waged by one man without validation from other men.    This is the nature of survival.

IV

Reactions

Ask yourself, do I, all alone in the dark, and without the validation or criticism of anyone else, feel as I am good to myself?  Am I whom I want to be as an individual?  This is good faith.

As an Individual, we can have limitless power.   We can see things others only view as obscure or meaningless.  In these things, we will find that we can define our essence by applying our freedom to everyday tasks and ideas.  We can control the Angst, defer the demons, and to the perception of many, become powerful.  This is the trickery of existence; your power was already within you.  Only the individual can release the power of freedom. All mankind is inherently powerful.

At the core of gaining your existential power, is the reality of what the individual can and cannot accomplish. What are we truly capable of? To determine this, we must first realize how things happen.  Many believe in the simplistic narrative of cause and effect. However simple and accurate this may seem, there is much more.  As the canvas of our existential self develops with exposure to external stimuli, even early into our days, we are sent askew of truth, and authenticity. Even this it seems to indicate the absurdity of everything.  For if an omniscient intelligence, truly created us, and has a preconception for us all; would the this far superior entity have foreseen the obvious design flaws of humanity?  The anxieties induced from mankind’s lack of anything more than instinctive survival, are the cornerstone of all evil.

V

Time

Time, is such a critical factor in all things existential.  In fact, in our opinion time is actually an artificial concept used to give quantitative meaning to existence. This idea that the distance from birth to death, must be somehow measured, and assigned value, is absurd in itself. The idea that life, is anything more valuable than the individual that indeed holds that life. The individual’s right to their OWN existence.  Freedom to choose the one absolute that we are certain, that at some moment we will all return to nothing just as whence we came.  Measuring this space in time, only serves the insecurities of lesser beings; beings that flock to the masses to escape their own mortality as long as they can deceive themselves.

As we are applying our existentialist-like theories in contemporary life, we must however function in the rigidity that is time as we know it today.  To say that time does not come with many conveniences, that otherwise are impossible, is completely untrue.  Time allows us to deflect many things, quantify our essence and thus assigning value. Time allows us to give essential value, to our existence.  This is key if we are truly, to harness our power.

VI

Power from Balance

Learning to live in balance with the essential as well as the existential, is another key component to nurturing your inner power.  The strength required trudge onward into that next moment in time EXISTS in our freedom. The ability to not only choose the NOW, but to push into the future, writing the present.   Each moment in time thrusting us closer to towards our only assured destiny. This is the luxury time affords mankind.  Only conscious mankind experiences time, as we are the only intelligent life, naive enough to believe the deception.

The fears and anxieties we experience, as we try to define our essence while neglecting our existence; or transversely, ignoring our rationality to feed only the existential, proves equally detrimental.  Authenticity leads to individuality, which leads to balance in the two realms of being. As we find balance in good faith, angst recedes, power from freedom thrives.  The existential spirit becomes rejuvenated and alive once more.   In this moment, true power manifests.

Power originating from individual authenticity, is the greatest source of energy in the universe.  For if man Is to survive his own extinction, he has these tools in his possession from conception.  The power to survive and thrive can ONLY be as an individual. Mankind’s angst and fears stemming from the emptiness thrust upon him drives us to seek power in masses.  This deception only serves to deny the inner peace, that comes from empowerment of self.

How do we come to recognize our power as we discover?  How do we insure that on the journey to strength, we stay focused on the course without haste or distraction?  Only through constant existential inventory of ourselves, are we able to always stay focused.  The focus of the individual can never be subsequent to any other desire.  Only through learning to live as an individual in the here and now, making choices about our actions through humanistic exploration, can we make decisions, we as humans can accept responsibility for; Thus increasing our power.  The more we accept responsibility for the individual choices we make, the further we exercise our freedoms and thus gaining in the only true power.

VII

Essential vs Existential Instincts

We feel since existentialism, in itself is not a true philosophy as defined by the scholars, and intellects dating as far back as Plato, then conventional theories are moot.  Only by pushing the limits of perceived ideas, can we truly than begin to express our power through freedom.  As with any great idea, you must nurture the dark, with the light.

When we come into existence, we are nothing.  We are thrown, quite literally, into the realm of being.  We are at this point, honest and free.  We survive through our instincts.  These instincts, which serve nothing more than to preserve being.   In this we find proof of the existential spirit. For if man were to simply be as we assume other creatures to be, oblivious to his fate, then would we require the existential realm?  Would we then have the angst, and the push toward an enslavement we can neither touch, taste, or in most cases, comprehend?  This need to define oneself is rooted in the fact we are without definition.

As we are delivered into existence, we are simple, complex life forms.  The need to sustain our physical, hence, essential needs are paramount. In our infancy, we are given the rational thought to survive.  To feed, breathe, breed, and die.  All of these things are born to us without the asking or realization of need.  The human form, will not discriminate as to how these instinctive needs are met, rather focus on the meeting of these needs.  This is the practicality of the essential instincts.

As humans, we are however cursed with the knowledge we “are”.  We are also bound by the knowledge that we will once again, no matter the efforts and trials, return to nothing.  In this awareness the greatest injustice, was put upon all human kind, hope.  The hope that we can change our mortality, that we exist to do more than doe.  That we have meaning and purpose, that we can somehow become significant.  These things are all false of course.  From the earliest stages of development, we feed our children, and thus BOTH, of the realms of existence, with all of the detritus of an existence filled with angst and evil.  We try to define our own essence through reproduction, which will happen by design regardless of the efforts of mankind to control it.  We attempt to define our essence rather than accepting ourselves as individuals, through child rearing.  This is where the tragedy of angst, and lack of balance can truly be seen in clarity, as our lack of balance, lack of true power, and fear of accountability is most visible as we project all of our deficits onto a blank canvas.

As sentient, aware, and intelligent beings, humans are granted the existence of man. Mankind, has through the ages shown a predilection to denying the existential realm of being, in efforts to relish in the essential.  As awareness matures, and mankind is programmed, we begin to fear our own creativity.  Sartre, believed that genius, could only manifest authentically through creativity, hence art.  Thus, making the statement that true genius is only manifested trough art.  What makes artistic expression so unique and powerful, that only in this way can we experience our true gifts?  Why is it then if all mankind possesses this inner power and freedom, we are so many of us enslaved to consumerism and other tools of mass control?  We choose Enslavement over responsibility.

IX

Harnessing Existential Power

We have discussed aspects of existentiality.  Let us now examine how we as individuals can re-capture the power we possess without discarding for the false perception, of safety in numbers.

First and foremost, we must strive to live in good faith.  We must take every opportunity to further the development of self through individual choices, and beliefs.  We must choose to be individual.  Humans are not pack animals, we do not need the group to survive!  Moreover, we need our individualism to live!

Once the conscious decision has been made to seek authenticity over dystopia, we can develop our sense of essence, or purpose.  Imagine for a moment, you were completely without the pressures of the world, free to be whatever YOU decide what you were to be? Is this not true power and freedom? The ability to choose for oneself?  Rejecting all, except self, is the only way to be powerful enough, to effect the lives of others.  One cannot be truly free and powerful if he chooses to reject freedom.

The truth of existentialism; we are all alone.  We are all inherently free, and we are all nothing until our existence can learn to define our essence.  Man is destined only to have no destiny.  We gain true power from self-empowerment, and the exercise of individualism.  Only then can we progress enough to allow for healthy relationships with other life.

We must take back the freedom we have surrendered.  Whether this be known or hidden, the power is rooted from doing what the individual believes is right and good.

X

Closing

As we observe the world and the human condition, the damage of self-imposed slavery is undeniable.  Glaring in the face of every man woman and child today. The children reflect the angst of their caregivers, as they are the receptacles of all we need to dispose of.  The weakest of any group, the children take on the role of emotional waste bins.  So, inadvertently, we grow little people with all the damage of adults; No wonder the children are suffering as they, then grow up and have only the examples we have shown them to teach their own, and so on.  This self-perpetuating, circle of misery and angst is evident in the existential dread most dwell.  We need to realize that happiness is only a greeting card idea, used to control desires of the masses.

Happiness in fact is existential freedom.  Power to be is with us all, the power to deceive self, is equally abundant. Refuse to let fear dominate your existence and harness the power for you and prodigy.

Fooling Ourselves, Lying to No-One

Hello again from the bridge of the Enterprise!  This has been about the hardest week in the last year or two.  This is why we have been quiet.  We have been taking stock, in ourselves, the world, and our current perception of things.

First, let us explore what has brought us here, to this place.  Currently residing in the edge of madness, reason and all that seems logical.  Logic, this seems to be the inherent problem, maybe not at ht surface or even many laters in.  I assure you, logic is found at the core of the issue.  We have been striving to live more authentically as of late.  Logic, rationale, and concrete thinking is the worst for us.  Trying to make sense out of the thins that were forced on us.  Hw do you apply rationale, and logic to these things?

The journey over the last forty years or so, has been anything but orthodox, or conventional.  We have survived, thrived, failed, and started over and over again.   We have struggled to understand “we”, as even to us, we were an impossible dream.  An escape to the place where there was no pain, fear or shame.  We learned to not only be plural,  but embrace multiplicity.  Despite the critics, this occurred from before grade school on,  the incarcerations, hospitalizations, humiliations and broken hearts on ALL sides, we survived!(Multiplied by 13!)

Fast forward to modern times, the body is forty seven years old.  We have subjected the body to all manner of things both pleasurable and otherwise.  We really did not think we could do much more to it, than was already done!  We also have no real memories, or sense of time, so consequences take on an almost trans dimensional, sense of dreamland.    We have scurried about on life, unknowingly to each other, sabotaging ourselves, for both noble and other reasons; succeeding and failing simultaneously.  Consuming those swayed by our charm, and vulnerability and then dragging them into the damage path of fear and mistrust.  Eventually destroying every meaningful relationship you have ever had.  We know this to be true, as we watch the movie of our life, from the back row drive in, unfold and transpire in fashions we could not ever imagine or desire.

As we enter the thirty fifth year of therapy, however only the last 18 months truly beneficial,  we have to take ownership of the actions of our alters.  This is perhaps the second worst thing about healing.  As we have learned that our alters, though independent, are only fragments of the man,  that is the sum of the fragments.  You cannot separate responsibility completely.  The more we learn about each other, the more we communicate and grow as a team.  As a team we can then accomplish things truly great and wondrous; this requires also moving forward in our human development.  We must learn to take ownership.  As we learn to do this, our communication becomes better, and we are able to make decisions to break the circle of trauma.

We recently felt like we wanted to try and enter the world again, professional.  We had been working through this in therapy, discussing amongst ourselves and outside family, and even wrote here about it.  We were convinced we could handle this.  The more we convinced ourselves of this, the more our memories of recent past were forgotten, dissociated as many trivial things in our life.  When the time arrived to emerge, we did as we always do; living like a rockstar, elevating standards do high, we are intimidated by OUR own programmed insecurities, into failure and isolation.

So here we are, seemingly on a superhighway to recovery;  Selling ourselves on the idea that we were “different”, we had this under control.  We preached, believed and even professed from the hillsides!  Look at us now, falling further into the abyss of shame and fear.   The tentacles of the past, dragging us into the pit.  We still wish we could splinter off again, hiding in the places we know exist.  Dissociating life itself.  To live authentically at this point means to control your actions, and choices true to you.  To us.

When one stands on the edge, an invisible force grabs at your insides.  You can feel this pulling you toward oblivion.    This is most intoxicating.  The knowing of an absolute, pulling at your soul.  Inviting you to join, gentle and calm.  The deception is clear, death is cold and harsh.   The force pulling us towards the end is of ourselves.  The anguish, the absurdity of it all.  The realization that we truly have no reason for being here, at all.  Our existence is nothing more than a chain of events that will ultimately end poorly for our species.  The only reality is not in today!  Reality is in the NOW.  The truth is, we can only live in the present.  As someone with DID, the here and now is ALL we have.  our sense of identity, history and who we are is in the moment.  We are fluid in time, leaping from one emotion to the next.

We realize today, at this moment in time, that we are “us”.  This can all change in the blink of an eye, sudden moment of stress, or just an unwanted passing trigger.  Our reality, history, identity is all changed.  Fragments minds cannot sort, organize and process history and memory like others.  We have to draw on the moment, and what limited history we have.  Herein lies an issue, the history we remember is usually related to survival, IE: Hyper-vigilance, Mistrust, and Fight or Flight.  Drawing only from our limited base of knowledge, the decisions we make are very simple.  In many cases, as is with its, complex decisions involving human interactions and social factors, usually come out less than desirable.  We are trying to survive every situation, literally survive.  The social protocols tend to come in behind survival, far behind.

Living in true multiplicity, at harmony with our laters and body, is the goal.  Integration means many things to many people.  We choose not this term.  We do not need or desire,  to ever be just “I”.  Having spent 40 of 47 years as us, we think we are pretty awesome, and that’s fine with us.  We do however need to learn to work as one.  Retaining our identities is paramount to us, and that is OK.  We are learning to foster better and more effective communications between us, sharing histories and memories.  Piecing together as best we can, the lives we have lived.  We are trying to find ourselves in each other.  Trying to be honest with ourselves again.  The easiest person to fool, us.  people have known for years we were odd.  As do we, know we are multiple, now.

We truly hope that we will look back and read this, reminding us that we are the biggest fools, when it comes to something we desire.  We can as always dissociate the things that rob our happiness from us as we perceive it.  We are masters at deception, manipulation and covert operations.  The sad thing for us, were better using this skills on ourselves than anyone else.

Why Science Fails Trauma Survivors? There is No Humanity in Science.

Introduction

We wanted to take a minute, to let you in;  the consumer, to understand for just a glimpse, the struggles and tribulations,  trauma survivors, being us, endure.  If you have read any of our other pieces, you will know that our journey, has been filled with regrets, failures, anguish, and also resounding moments of joy, happiness, accomplishment and satisfaction.  We, have experienced these things all together, yet separately.

Our path with Becky, our therapist and absolute savior, is now at a point where the real healing begins.  The fundamental emptiness that comes from NOT knowing, not only what you are, philosophically, but who you are, literally.  For this very reason, we have always looked to different theologies and teachings for answers.  Looking not only for the answer, but answers that made sense in the world we live in; when we say we, we mean “WE”.

We stumbled into Existentialism.  We were enamored with the broad, abstract, yet literal principals.  Romanced by the ease of assimilation of the ideals.  We were speaking the same language, as if for a thousand years.  Our souls awakening with wonder, and something we haven’t had for sometime, curiosity.  For being curious, pondering the unknown, and then surging boldly into it, is a core belief of existentialism, as we interpret.

I was so inspired by the concepts and freedoms, which had always been available to me.  We are now suddenly, drowned by enlightenment.  Abstracts about our own existence, how we came to be multiple, the causes for such a travesty on a child.  We are now able to see past the actions of those that brought to bear on us the horrors for which only now we see the truth of, almost half a century later.

I hope you can gain some knowledge from the experience I am still gaining.  Pushing into the unknown, the nothingness that makes us man. The absolute emptiness, that gives us all meaning.

 

Existentialism and Dissociative Identity Disorder

 

As many o you know, we are multiple.  Thats right, my cohorts and I, the alters, are all living these completely independent lives, in the same body.  Try to imagine a version of Shameless, in your body, life, we’ll in your everything.  This would be like living with DID.  In a very crude and almost insensitive, and abstract format, yes.

The entire idea, of being multiple, is still one that causes fiery debates, and hurt feelings all around.  If in a room of intellects, and you want to start a fight, talk about DID, sit back and watch the show.  You can sell tickets.  The controversy does nothing for the victims.  Sorry, let me amend that, it re-traumatizes them all over again.  Reinforcing the imprint of evil and terrible things once survived.

Existentialism, in our interpretation goes far in proving not on the true existence of Dissociative Identity Disorder, but to facticity,  in a lack of depth in intellect, to understand the humanity of existence.  I know the sentence is grammatically incorrect, but in essence is correct; Heidegger, was known for his disdain of western language structures and was commonly communicating authentically, rather than in bad faith.  Simply put, we cannot understand the human spirit, by analyzing the physical properties of it.  You cannot create a human brain, just because you understand how to build one.  The magic, the humanity, exists on a temporal level inaccessible to common intellect and concrete thinkers.

In Sartre’s work, survival, at the most base level, is the default choice for the human condition..  Literally, anything that we are doing, other than committing suicide, is keeping us from death.   Traveling further down the rabbit hole, we understand that living in there here and now, as professed by many existentialists, is all we can do, authentically.  We do not fall into being.  We are free to make our own choices.  The freedom to express ones beliefs through choices os paramount.  When we define ourselves, only by our choices na personal actions as an individual, we free ourselves from social guilt, prejudices, and fears.  We also open ourselves to individualized scrutiny and accountability.  Thus we hide, sacrificing our freedom out of fear, and uncertainty.

DID, being multiple, to us is the ultimate evidence of the proof of the human spirit.  Existentialism, forces the trauma victim, to survive.  The human condition, fighting forward, through shit and hell.  The now fragmented human(s), taking with them all the know ledge they have, as limited as that can be, trudging gallantly into the breach.  Forever defining their own world as they need to to survive.  The ultimate survival, the survival of the moment.

Lets Discuss this a bit…..

 

Authenticity.  We have used this word a lot now.  Let us not get this confused with the common misrepresentation of the word.  Authenticity here is living an authentic life.

  •  To be authentic, is to be true to yourself.
  •  Live up to your potentiality.
  • Be responsible for your actions, as they define who you are.

For the DID system, all of these things are the backbone of our existence.  Being authentic for an alter, or a host, is not even a question.  A person with DID, lives in the situation.  Time becomes abstract, artificial.  An alter has to live up to their potentiality every time they are realized into being.  Alters do not have the depth of a complete psyche.  Fragmentation, requires existentialism at the purest level.  The alters do not choose, to be alters, nor do they choose their reactions to situations.  Alters are pure, unadulterated, truth.  Truth as we all know is perception turned inward.

Living as many, is a most frightening and usually, anonymous experience.  Given, that in almost all cases dissociative disorders, the host has scantily a clue, of the crowd under the surface.  Fracturing of ones essence, their very humanity, can only be caused by the most horrible of things, in the most frightening of manners.  Much like the fission in a nuclear explosion, a seemingly severe, never-ending reaction to outside stimuli.  As the body experiences trauma, humanity makes a choice; to survive, or die(suicide).  The manner in which survival is attained is subject to the material the mind has at hand: Creativity, intellect, empathy, and other raw building blocks of personality.  in this flash of a moment, in this somewhat inconceivably small timeframe, unmeasurable to mere mortals, the spirit makes a decision.  In our case, welcome to DID.  The process of living authentic to an alter, not an option.  Living in bad faith is a result of allowing oneself to “fall in to existence”.   Alters, are formed out fo pure, honest, fear and shame.  They are result of the most honest and authentic choices any human, or organism fo r that matter, can make.  Once we came to realize that our DID was a choice, although not a conscious one, a fantastic, resourceful and completely authentic choice.

Time, DID, and Essence

We wanted to speak of these things together.  Together for us, may and most likely is, different for us, than singular beings.  This is also a core theme in DID, time, and essence.  In modern times, most everything we do is measured with time.  This is an inherent issue for fractured souls.  In our times, so much has been focused on intellect, concrete thinking, consumerism and capitalism, we have lost our essence, we try to measure our lives, to cheat the ultimacy of it, we lose our essence, our sense of being human, or essence, in pursuit of artificial desires and perceived system security.

Existentialism,  at the core, understands that time is an abstract concept, not as concrete as the intellects, would like us to believe.  What is time after all, but an artificial measurement given by people looking into existence, not “being”, living, and taking responsibility for it.  Intellectual minds focus on facticity.  This allows for rationale thinking, and emotionless conclusions.  substituting rationale for emotion is the hallmark of controlling systems. As intellects immerse themselves in facticity, the existentialists will forever rebel with humanism, and emotion.  The human essence is forever cursed with awareness.  Man cannot live in oblivion as we are aware of our own mortality.  Trauma victims, are in this category, whether their own consciousness transcends awareness.  Their essence has a desire to live more than their consciousness.  in the cases of child trauma, undoubtedly the most destructive, the mind breaks apart, taking along only the knowledge and experiences agglomerated in this moment in time.  Akin to a snapshot of the here and now, fragmentation stores, collates, and places this in storage for later reference.  It is this living in the moment, this disregard for the fears of the future or the past.

Time, as defined by the intellectuals, is a measurable unit by which we are good to do things.  We measure our mortality in time, we measure our self worth in time.  We have even allowed the mass beuqacratic systems to even “Charge for time”, more commonly known as interest.  To a plural person, time is irrelevant, as we do not experience time in the ways,  the system would wish it.  A plural person experiences time in situations,  moments,  time without measure.  Fo rate plural person, mortality is something we debate constantly.  The plural person is forced to inquire of himself, as his time is limitless, and yet to a much greater degree than most, more precious.  The plural person realizes that their existence is in the moment, just as authenticity would suggest.

Living in the moment is not enough.  Once we are aware, we are “we”, bad faith begins to manifest.  We begin to live as the masses expect us too.  Teh masses begin to validate teh traumas of the past, instead of living in this raw authenticity, unfiltered and unscripted, we begin to feel a need to change our worldly manifestations to conincide with teh system expectations.  We feel as if we are aware, so we can begin to change ourselves to attain what we have always loved for, acceptance, belonging, security.  Ironically, the desire fo these things is the most dramatic example of living in bad faith, or to be not authentic.

Man cannot define himself in this way.  To man if his individual responsibility of his own decisions,  is to refuse ourselves the  absurd freedom we have only just realized.  Absurd why?  Freedom in itself is the manifestation of true existentialism.  You do not have to KNOW you are free to have freedom.  You cannot escape freedom, however you can dismiss the concept in light of a lack of responsibility for yourself.  YOU can choose to be free.  This is not something given, earned, fought for or even bought.  Freedom is the right of every individual, everywhere, in every time.  Time and freedom go hand in hand.  Conceptualize the freedom you can experience if time was irrelevant.  The enormous feelings of dread and despair, we all feel every day.  For centuries, man has turned to faith, theologies, and there less human manifestations to find a way to gain an artificial sense of control over their immortality.  From family dynasties, monetization,  and consolidation of power, ie amassing this worthless idea of money, to science.  Why do you think people study medicine?  Medicine is the mechanical study of the human body, without regards to the human essence.  We give so much of ourselves to these people because we fear our death.  We use time to remind us, to do things before we die.  We have lists to remind us of our mortality.  We are in a state of living to try and cheat death, knowing we cannot.  Man currently exists looking backwards and forwards, never looking in the hear and now.  Living plural, forces you to live in the hear and now.  The consequences of the alternative are a struggle “we” live with on a moment to moment basis.  Time has no meaning when all you seek is to survive the present.

Authenticity

 

To truly be Authentic, one must embrace the here and now, the core discipline when living with trauma.  By understanding that we are truly free in being, therefore by default our being demands that we embrace it as we find it.  To attempt to modify, or even deny our essence, our being, to the mass system, is to deny our very existence.  If we are truly free, if we are truly authentic, we are required to embrace the here and now, as WE find it.  Succumbing to societal normals, and cues from mass systems, is living in bad faith, and removes freedom voluntarily from the individual.

As long as we remain true and. noble to our humanity, and not revert to or digress to living in bad faith as the intellects and concrete thinkers would have, we can tackle the most basic, yet long standing issues of human existence.  We can live without fear of adaptation, free to be whomever we are, ,at that time.  Destiny s merely a product of our reactions, to others reactions, and so forth.  History is not written until the individual passes through.  when living with DID, every alter lives in his own reality, a reality we all share.  Learning that WE can be anything.  Learning that being plural is not a curse, or indicator of horrors best to the body, we can then as free individuals learn we have nothing to fear, as we are in control.  The past is written, however the future is ours to write.   Seizing the freedom as Sartre suggested, and commanding your world in your time and space is critical to the DID patient.  Being plural, living timeless, perceiving the world through the eyes of many; these are all powers many have written about and studied.  For those of us living plural, this is merely normalcy.

Man, as an organism , and not delineated by sex or race, is arrogant enough o believe he is the center of all things, except his own mortality This is a core theoretical belief, and necessary as it seems to satisfy the philosophical emptiness, imprinted on the Western world.  The inability comprehend the end of his own existence,  death,  is the very reason that proves humanity.  If in fact,  man was unintelligent, and unaware, we would live our lives in blissful, serenity. Man even needs to explain his own awareness in intangible theory, as is in the Story of Adam and Eve.

Existentialism, can be useful in anyones life.  most philosophical threes have some real world applications.  In the tase of DID, and trauma related issues, We think that these are magnified exponentially.  We live in a world without limits.  Just as Sartre, was at his most free, during the Nazi Occupations, and whilst imprisoned at a German Stalag.  Our very being, or essence, will chose to survive.  THE core action that causes the fragmentation of the Childs personality, is in of itself an action, that requires courage, creativity, and intellectual complexity.

It is not the fault of the intellectual, scientific society that they do not, or can not understand then complexities of the human spirit.  The intellectual looks at life from the concrete, from afar.  The trauma survivor, looks at life from the here and now.  From the moment we are in, unable from fear, shame, and guilt to look beyond the moment.

Existentialists know, the world Is defined only by our own actions, and the choices that bring those actions to be.our reactions to the presence of other individuals, and our attitudes toward them.Our world and ourselves can never be defined by looking ahead of the hear and now, but living authentically, truthfully and int eh here and now, pushing forward through the present into the future can define not only our past but our present.  Learning not only WHO we are, but realizing that we ARE in complete control; choices that others made for our lives as children were NOT our fault, or choices, and that we are ONLY responsible for our own actions.  These are key fundamentals in OUR path to recovery.  I hope that are in yours.

 

 

Parenting Made Easy…… Maybe

 

Part One

We all know that the most challenging, or one of the most challenging things, can be raising children.  In todays times, you will more than likely also get a chance to raise someone else children as well.  They say it takes a village, but what village?  We have found that this does not have to be as complicated, but the task is still a daunting one.  When you un-complicate things, the truth becomes easy to see.  How to make parenting simple, easy, just ask the children, and yourselves the following things:

  • Am I Self Confident?
  • Am I an Angry Person?
  • Do I yell at others in anger?
  • Do I strike others in Anger?
  • Do I pass Guilt onto Others?
  • Do I use Fear or Shame as a Motivational Aid?

If you notice, these questions are about YOU, the parent, not your children.  Lets hope and assume you are asking yourself these questions, BEFORE you bring children into the mix.  Do not be offended, or feel guilt if you answer YES to anything here.  Most people do.  The society we have cultivated believes that power, oppression, and violence is an acceptable form of behavior management.  Not only in our children, but the world around us.  How can we fault ourselves for following the example that was imprinted onto our by the caregivers we had?

So, if you answered yes, ask yourself why.  Then write it down, including three reasons and at least three sentences supporting each reason why you answered the way you did.  This self examination, if honest will truly open your eyes to something most of us go great lengths to avoid, ourselves.  When you realize, your children deserved to be treated better than, if not equal to the world around you.  If you would not strike another person, human being for being rude, why would you hit your child?  If yelling at you, as a child, only serves to make the person yelling feel better, why would we yell at our children?  When ddi yelling or shaming a child ever do anything more than make the person dishing int out, feel better?

After completing the above exercise, ask yourself these questions, and be honest:

  • Did I receive praise and kindness regularly?
  • Did I feel safe from pain, shame or guilt?
  • Did people make me feel special and accepted without condition?

 

These are perhaps the more difficult questions to answer, and you should be careful.  True examination of these topics are personal, and far reaching.  Now when you determine what the answers are, you can move forward.  Instead of focusing on the laundry list of negative things that DID happen to us, we try to focus on things that did NOT occur.  Praise, safety, self confidence, and worth.  If we can now provide these things, not only to ourself first, but t our family, we are far ahead.

In our personal experience, we have a six year old daughter, who for all purposes, is a challenge.  We for several years would try the routine of yelling, grounding, even a spanking or two run there.  Always coming to frustration.  The more frustrated we became, the more we would yell and repeat the behaviors of the parents we had.  We never know this till we all started communicating.  I, would never do these things, however there are parts fo us that would.  It is complicated.

Now that we are living, across the system, pretty much negativity free, we are really starting to see a dramatic change in our daughter.  We had to change our behavior, as did the rest of the household too.  We eliminated yelling first, punitive actions second, and now were working on always being positive.  We shower her with praise and affection, always letting her know how awesome she is.  That is where you find a trap,  that most people fall into.  Keep things positive.   When you use words like BUT, in a sentence, you have negated all the positive you just put out there.  Leave things positive.  Cuddle; Physical affection for no reason other than affection, is one of the most important things a child can have.  Your loved. PERIOD.  If you need to correct behavior, this will blow your mind, BE NICE!  YES!  strange concept?, I think not.  In the adult world, when we really want something, were nice.  We schmooze, we Kidd ass, right?  Why not try just being nice and polite to your kid?  Respect them, the way you would respect any other person.   WOW, the results have been amazing.

You are not a weak parent of respecting the wishes of a five year old, or any child for that matter.  If we truly want our children to exceed the parents, then you have to give them what we the parents, or caregivers, did not have.  Treat your children better, not worse, that you would treat a stranger.  Do our job, and not only keep them safe on our perspective, but make them FEEL safe, from their perspective.  We always as a society, talk about how much we want to protect our children.  We have these big fundraisers, and events to celebrate the great things we do for our children, ye the h statistics tell another story.  Were failing our children.  our children are becoming lost in a world where their hearts and minds are filled with fears.  How could we ever feel safe anywhere now.

If a child, now more than ever, does not get positive reinforcement, respect, freedom to choose, and safety, from the first day of life, they will know.  There mind and body will keep score, even if they cannot.  Their fears will become the driving forces in their character development.  They will become another generation, looking to solve their problems, with fear mongering, aggression, shame, and violence.  Never understating why.  Projecting this fears, and misconceptions onto their offspring.  These effects now magnified.  We have to take a stand, do something different! The time to save our children, society, our future, is now.   If we use logic, we can see, doing the same thing is NOT helping anything,  things are,  progessively worse.

New Feelings, New Fears; Is this really, “Getting Better?”

This is one of those defining moments in our lives, where we have an opportunity to either make the choices we have always made, or try something different.  I know that this seems a no brainer,  for many of you reading this.  If your that crazy, why would you choose to make the same choices you did last time?  We think the real question here is, why have we made them so many times already.

Being plural, means having to live in the here and now, as one dear person to me would say.  We have to process things without conscious histories.  We are required to navigate the storms, without studying the charts; We have to react and respond, rather than plan and execute.  Is it a stretch to see why so many of our choices, have less than desirable outcomes?  Why we function most effectively when things are in such Chaos and crisis, that most non-trauma folks are running for the hills or a straightjacket after some time with us.  You cannot compare the rationalizations of a mind broken into pieces, with one that is not.  Just stop, you will end up in the bed next to us at the nut house.

Now, take everyone thats involved in your decision making process, unbeknownst to you, and tell them all they’re sharing the body.  They are NOT in control.  They are  NOT crazy ass individuals, however a conglomerate of other peoples needs imposed upon a child who could not resist.  Breaking him into pieces, based on reactions to the power forced on him.  The fear and shame used to control and break him into the fragments that exist today.   Imagine the diversity of personalities, experiences and conditioned responses that child would have.  Those children would have, that we have.  Now, turn that inside yourself, wondering WHO are we really?  What part of our life is our own?  Do we exist?  Do we matter, or are we just a delusion to bring about the desired change we need to survive that moment.  These are profound questions, that no-one should ever have to truly ponder..

This is where WE are today as a collective,  the Non-Consolidated suspension, like crude oil settling in the tank.  Just as crude, they add chemicals to us all trying to make is more uniform and manageable.  Wanting to extract from us only the parts they deem desirable, discarding the rest.  We stand at a precipice of our own identity.  We can choose the path less traveled; leading us into the unknown.  Making choices we have never made before.  Exploring parts of us we have not felt since we would sit atop Sandy flying through the air.  The parts of that fee SAFE, just with ourselves.  Safe in the fact WE can handle this.  We are learning that WE all have talents and gifts.  We are learning to use them in harmony to achieve our goals, rather than as individuals fighting each other and the world.

So why is this so unsettling?  Why do we feel like were failing?  For so many years we have felt, at least part time like were in control of our life.  We came to mostly accept, that we re mentally ill, and that we made crappy choices.  We came to believe all those things that were implanted as a child, were simply reinforced through adult prejudices and malicious treatment.  So how could we ever begin to make different, choices?  We are crazy, stupid, failures that cannot manage tenor own life, how could we ever make a decision that was not already familiar to us?  Why would we ever feel like we could have the ability to be any smarter than the choices we have already made?

“We have made it this far, which is further than anyone ever thought we would, so why change?  ”

This is the argument that plays out daily, within our circle.  The circle of power I call it now.  Pat, Larry and Me.  Brian has been trying to push his way in lately.  Weird.  We KNOW there can be a different life for us.  Something we have always reached for.  A life that matters to people.  A life where we can help other children and make a difference in their lives, no matter how old the body is.   Then the self doubt kicks in.  Can we pull it off?  Are we capable of more than just leaching off others?  Why do we even wonder, we know we have failed at everything we have ever done, so there.  Why even try.  This is the struggle.  Now we are just beginning to see that WE ARE awesome, and gifted, and all those things we remember hearing, once.  We MAY be able to pull this off.  If we can help just one person in life, ours is worthy of more air.

The dilemma here is a simple, yet due to the fragmentation of selves, very complex and multi faceted.  Like fighting a battle surrounded on all sides in every dimension, diplomacy is key.  Maybe this is why we are, as may of us “plural people”, in sales.  We can shine the light where we need, to survive.

“Today, I need that sale to survive.  Might as well just Give me your money.”

We can honestly remember having these exact thoughts many times.  Right before closing a deal.  Now,  the sale is much more difficult.  As we are all now in the early stages of connection, bullshitting each other is much more a challenge.  There is two sides to every action.  This positive and the negative.  These do not have to be the same to everyone looking in.  Our perspective will choose for us what we deem to be good and evil, Right and Wrong, Spicy or Mild.

We are now in a state of acceptance of truth and fact.  This, and learning that we can achieve more together, as a unit, not a singular entity; is allowing many of us to set aside our old fears, temporarily at least.  We are trying out the waters to see if the storm is navigable.  Clinging to the one thing we have for so long, but never believed existed: Hope.  Hope above all that we can learn to stall our fears, long enough to test the waters. Hope that we can curb our shame, so we can see the greatness we hide underneath.  Hope that after the dust settles, awe will all remain to charge onto the breach, defeating the unknown, and conquering the demons laid upon us at a time,  when we could not defend ourselves.

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