How many times have you heard, “Whats it like to have multiple personalities?” If I had a dollar….. The truth is having the ability to completely dissociate your entire identity, at mostly involuntary moments, can be like, just about anything. The truth is, in our opinion, there are things that it definitely is not.
- The result off too much praise to a child
- The result of healthy boundaries
- The result of Non-Enforcement of every detail of the Childs life
- The result of not striking a child to enforce rules.
- The result of allowing their child to feel safe.
- The results of a child from learning to question the world around him and form his own opinions without prejudice.
I am actually quite impressed with this listing. I was afraid when we sat down to write this we would get very cliche. I think we have produced some quality here. In case you didn’t know, we have agreed to write here completely un-edited. These are our true and unrehearsed thoughts, experiences, and beliefs as we are at the time we write. All the more reason to stay tuned in!
Now, for the rest of the Story!
I find that many of us plural people and mores the people around them, get consumed with wanting to know what made them this way. I say lets focus on what didn’t happen in their lives and repeat that behavior. This would seem to be the model I would follow. Current trends parenting indicate most parents in our culture and others choose to enforce rather than empower. To confine rather than encourage growth. To use oppression and despotism as a parenting model, thus magnifying the effects as we progress through generations. As we are all well aware, every time you replicate something, something of the original is list until you have a corruption that is irreversible. welcome to our society today.
Why are we as a society so fast to run straight to hte negative whenever possible. Why are we as a group so cruel in the treatment of our disabled and weak. When did it become fashionable and mainstream to have bloody fights, theatrical violence, even children video games. In many cultures praise and positivity is the chosen path for parenting and general day to day interactions with other humans and animals alike. The idea of politeness, manners, and family structure is still alive and well today. In these “primitive cultures”, teh rates of DID/MOD, as well of hosts of other trauma and stress related disorders is significantly lower. In fact the rates of crimes against children is lower. If you believe that the body truly keeps the score the first statistical reference is the more significant of the two. Even if crime statistics are greatly under reported in the countries, the mental health statistics should give a more accurate representation of reality.
Being raised in a home where praise was sparse. When it came it had an almost artificial feel to it. Almost as if forced from stone to be uttered in the presence of an outsider. To keep the appearance of the happy family. The gloom of reality would soon return almost immediately we were in the presence of our family current temporary dwelling.
The association of positive praise and the return of the nightmare became so hard wired, that to this day we fear doing well. We believe now that what has been the roller coaster of our life is mainly this:
- We land somewhere new
- We shine like a rockstar
- We start to receive the desired recognitions
- We begin to fear we are going to fail again
- We begin to stress
- The personality changes become unmanageable
- We begin to plan our exit
- We know were failing now
- We throw a Hail Mary
- We fall
- We Run
- We start over barely remembering anything
As you can see in the timeline here, when we begin to succeed, we begin to fear. Fear is there mother of all that is evil. Fear is the root of narcissistic power. Fear is the fuel behind all that drives a trauma victim. Fear is all the trauma victim knows. Even in the face of adulthood, where praise may come and safety is almost always assured; the trauma victim is now hard-wired, in the loop that is DID. Unable to move forward, and continually thrust into the aging body world, the mod splits. Having the glue to hold this together only comes from a secure sense of who we are, and the security to know that we are safe. If you never make a child feel safe, he can’t feel anything but fear and shame. If you never make a child feel secure in himself, all he feels is shame and self loathing. So, love your child, don’t harm them.
I use teh term boundaries here, since there are many kinds of boundaries. They can be both ways, good and bad. Most of the boundaries we were ever taught were about secrecy, threats, and prejudices. Other than that, there were no boundaries in our household. When, as we are still, discovered that we had the right to say no, we didn’t understand. We were always taught that to want for ourselves was rude. Rude was bad. Bad hurts.
As children we have a short line when it comes to spacial reasoning. Things boil down to good and bad; as well as cause and effect. When we associate most of our life experiences while the personality, and other vital cognitive functions are still forming, you end up with being prepared for bad all the time. When your instincts tell you that your supposed to love and trust your parents, and your parents do not love and safeguard you back, you get trauma. When your caregivers are more concerned over their own sick needs and fears, you get trauma. When there are no boundaries, or safeguards in place, you get trauma. This is where the beginning and the end become a single blurred line with many breaks in between.
Having the ability to securely within oneself to say no, and have that need respected is critical in teh development of a Childs mind. When you learn that saying no doesnt mean a beating, or torture, you can then start to learn who you are and what you believe. You can learn that making your own decisions os not only good, but needed. You can learn that your feelings and beliefs are your own, and completely OK.
In the business world, many have learned the hard truth, usually in the form of monetary attitude adjustment, however many do not. Micromanaging anything is pretty much a disaster waiting to happen. The crisis is sure to come, the timing is all that is in question. This is no different in the family dynamic, especially for developing children,
The idea of controlling and choreographing every movement of a Childs life his fundamentally flawed. When you remove the creativity, and ability to self regulate any part of any life, you get few possibilities. None of which are mutual beneficial in any transaction.
- The Family Drone
- When the will of the child is simply broken. He becomes whatever he os told to be, or at least tries. These people usually self destruct through various means as soon as they feel they have the freedom to run. This usually occurs when the family is dead and now the child is all alone for they first time in adulthood without someone o command them.
- The Rebel
- This child most commonly is the visible one. Openly reeling, getting into trouble, and generally appearing to deserve the hard treatment they get. This child will usually run away, or try, or find other ways of escaping the home of they’re not murdered or incarcerated first.
- The Broken Child, Lost
- This is the scariest child by far. Not sure how to handle the circumstances there in, they constantly torture themselves, punish themselves, and grow up angry, shamed, and alone. Never developing any emotions other than fear, and loneliness the child lives in darkness and mentally ill on many levels. This child isolates and tries to please the parents as nest he can.
Again, there is no good outcome in these scenarios. The very fact that we can prove in many models, not just parenting, that micromanaging is always a negative outcome, we continue do this. When the management style fails it is societally accepted to use violence, corporal punishment, to achieve the desired result. This has a temporary effect of giving the caregivers what they want. The long term effects are much much worse.
So, this question has to be asked here. When did it become ok, to strike a child, and not anyone else? Why is it that we accept violence towards our OWN children, that would otherwise be condemned and even prosecutable to any other human being? Why can prison guards not strike an inmate in punishment, but we can a child? Do prisoners have more rights than our own children????!!! Hmmmm…..
The act o bringing pain to another in order to modify behavior has been around since the dawn of time. The issue is the long term effects. We know that pain has always been used to bring about behavioral changes as a motivator. Torture is just such an apparatus. In torture, the person is given a demand, if the demands are not met by the subject, pain is introduced till the desired outcome is achieved. in many cases even if the subject is being cooperative, the subject I continually tortured as to achieve an even more desired effect; long term fear and control via the same.
How is this any different that how we treat children with corporal punishment? When we strike a child, intimidate a child, threaten a child with pain and fear, we are taking away there ability to reason and think through the situation. When you make their decisions using fear, pain, shame, and deprivation; you eliminate any chance they have to learn. To become more secure in their own decisions and how their decisions effect them and tenor world. You create a child, and adult that is afraid to make a decisions, and this dependent on the decisions of others. This makes a child very vulnerable to predators. This is why traumatized children, who could never make choices without duress, become repeatedly victimized.
If instead we treat our children like intelligent creatures; Encourage them to question their world in a manner which is respectful and inquisitive, we then create a world of secure adults who refused to be victims, as they know how to inquire and see this coming. Predators want nothing to do with self secure victims. How do we teach these values/. By Example. We teach this in our interactions with other family members, and with our own children. Simply commanding them to act a certain way and demonstrating the same old crap is more harmful than beating the kid all over again.
what is a place of Safety, not the the “S”. Safety can be many things, to a child it is simple/. To most trauma victims, the definition is the same. We just want to be somewhere we will NOT get hurt. If only for a short time, hours sometimes, we just need to feel safe. To most people this sounds like a cliche, or another potential meme. In fact this is much deeper and more complicated. Having a feeling of core safety may be easy for someone who has not lived in fear their entire life. Safety for the trauma victim can be the hardest thing to achieve. The goal, not to create another trauma victim.
If a child feels safe around his caregivers, he will grow and flourish. Given enough room to question his surroundings, he will become self assured and strong, like a plan in the wind able to bend and recover without breaking. Everyone, not just children needs a safe place. This can be ANYWHERE the person feels like they will not get HURT. hurt can mean anything from scared, to physically harmed. Providing this environment is probably the single most important thing any parent can do. Money, stature, and all the worldly things own the world cannot provide this. This has to come from inside.
Living in the society we live in today, it is deplorable, however plausible to see why children have to resort to turning inside to survive. The very root of this disorder is caused while the personality os still forming in the mind, so somewhere south of age six. At this point, once you break the glass, it becomes easier and easier each time a trauma accords for alters to form at that point in time. Getting stuck, never being allowed to grow up and merge with the rest of the body and mind. Is DID preventable…YES, absolutely and without a doubt. Is this disorder on the decrease? Absolutely not. Even though we can find ways to treat HIV, and certain caners or other horrendous diseases, DID remains relatively unaccepted and unstudied. For a disorder that is completely preventable and so disruptive not only to the patient but to the social and profession;l circles of the effects, its a travesty.
Dissociative Identity Disorder, to most should be a wake up call that there is a fundamental and moral issue in our world today. We have to realize we there is something causing us to sacrifice our legacy to things that can only be described as evil and wrong. Things that most cultures in the world find morally reprehensible. We should take heed when centuries old institutions of “moral leadership”, have now been uncovered unquestionably as a hotbed for mistreatment and torture of children. We should be shocked into action when we have more children dying every year from violence, and suicide. The mental health statistics can be directly correlated to the unreported crime and family violence numbers. When we see a child in the mental health system that ticks off the boxes, we should immediately look at the family. We should expect the sum of the symptoms to equal the result. We should take action and not ignore things. If we truly believe, and we do, that The Body Keeps the Score, then we should always believe the body, and take the mind with a grain of salt.