Why Science Fails Trauma Survivors? There is No Humanity in Science.

Introduction

We wanted to take a minute, to let you in;  the consumer, to understand for just a glimpse, the struggles and tribulations,  trauma survivors, being us, endure.  If you have read any of our other pieces, you will know that our journey, has been filled with regrets, failures, anguish, and also resounding moments of joy, happiness, accomplishment and satisfaction.  We, have experienced these things all together, yet separately.

Our path with Becky, our therapist and absolute savior, is now at a point where the real healing begins.  The fundamental emptiness that comes from NOT knowing, not only what you are, philosophically, but who you are, literally.  For this very reason, we have always looked to different theologies and teachings for answers.  Looking not only for the answer, but answers that made sense in the world we live in; when we say we, we mean “WE”.

We stumbled into Existentialism.  We were enamored with the broad, abstract, yet literal principals.  Romanced by the ease of assimilation of the ideals.  We were speaking the same language, as if for a thousand years.  Our souls awakening with wonder, and something we haven’t had for sometime, curiosity.  For being curious, pondering the unknown, and then surging boldly into it, is a core belief of existentialism, as we interpret.

I was so inspired by the concepts and freedoms, which had always been available to me.  We are now suddenly, drowned by enlightenment.  Abstracts about our own existence, how we came to be multiple, the causes for such a travesty on a child.  We are now able to see past the actions of those that brought to bear on us the horrors for which only now we see the truth of, almost half a century later.

I hope you can gain some knowledge from the experience I am still gaining.  Pushing into the unknown, the nothingness that makes us man. The absolute emptiness, that gives us all meaning.

 

Existentialism and Dissociative Identity Disorder

 

As many o you know, we are multiple.  Thats right, my cohorts and I, the alters, are all living these completely independent lives, in the same body.  Try to imagine a version of Shameless, in your body, life, we’ll in your everything.  This would be like living with DID.  In a very crude and almost insensitive, and abstract format, yes.

The entire idea, of being multiple, is still one that causes fiery debates, and hurt feelings all around.  If in a room of intellects, and you want to start a fight, talk about DID, sit back and watch the show.  You can sell tickets.  The controversy does nothing for the victims.  Sorry, let me amend that, it re-traumatizes them all over again.  Reinforcing the imprint of evil and terrible things once survived.

Existentialism, in our interpretation goes far in proving not on the true existence of Dissociative Identity Disorder, but to facticity,  in a lack of depth in intellect, to understand the humanity of existence.  I know the sentence is grammatically incorrect, but in essence is correct; Heidegger, was known for his disdain of western language structures and was commonly communicating authentically, rather than in bad faith.  Simply put, we cannot understand the human spirit, by analyzing the physical properties of it.  You cannot create a human brain, just because you understand how to build one.  The magic, the humanity, exists on a temporal level inaccessible to common intellect and concrete thinkers.

In Sartre’s work, survival, at the most base level, is the default choice for the human condition..  Literally, anything that we are doing, other than committing suicide, is keeping us from death.   Traveling further down the rabbit hole, we understand that living in there here and now, as professed by many existentialists, is all we can do, authentically.  We do not fall into being.  We are free to make our own choices.  The freedom to express ones beliefs through choices os paramount.  When we define ourselves, only by our choices na personal actions as an individual, we free ourselves from social guilt, prejudices, and fears.  We also open ourselves to individualized scrutiny and accountability.  Thus we hide, sacrificing our freedom out of fear, and uncertainty.

DID, being multiple, to us is the ultimate evidence of the proof of the human spirit.  Existentialism, forces the trauma victim, to survive.  The human condition, fighting forward, through shit and hell.  The now fragmented human(s), taking with them all the know ledge they have, as limited as that can be, trudging gallantly into the breach.  Forever defining their own world as they need to to survive.  The ultimate survival, the survival of the moment.

Lets Discuss this a bit…..

 

Authenticity.  We have used this word a lot now.  Let us not get this confused with the common misrepresentation of the word.  Authenticity here is living an authentic life.

  •  To be authentic, is to be true to yourself.
  •  Live up to your potentiality.
  • Be responsible for your actions, as they define who you are.

For the DID system, all of these things are the backbone of our existence.  Being authentic for an alter, or a host, is not even a question.  A person with DID, lives in the situation.  Time becomes abstract, artificial.  An alter has to live up to their potentiality every time they are realized into being.  Alters do not have the depth of a complete psyche.  Fragmentation, requires existentialism at the purest level.  The alters do not choose, to be alters, nor do they choose their reactions to situations.  Alters are pure, unadulterated, truth.  Truth as we all know is perception turned inward.

Living as many, is a most frightening and usually, anonymous experience.  Given, that in almost all cases dissociative disorders, the host has scantily a clue, of the crowd under the surface.  Fracturing of ones essence, their very humanity, can only be caused by the most horrible of things, in the most frightening of manners.  Much like the fission in a nuclear explosion, a seemingly severe, never-ending reaction to outside stimuli.  As the body experiences trauma, humanity makes a choice; to survive, or die(suicide).  The manner in which survival is attained is subject to the material the mind has at hand: Creativity, intellect, empathy, and other raw building blocks of personality.  in this flash of a moment, in this somewhat inconceivably small timeframe, unmeasurable to mere mortals, the spirit makes a decision.  In our case, welcome to DID.  The process of living authentic to an alter, not an option.  Living in bad faith is a result of allowing oneself to “fall in to existence”.   Alters, are formed out fo pure, honest, fear and shame.  They are result of the most honest and authentic choices any human, or organism fo r that matter, can make.  Once we came to realize that our DID was a choice, although not a conscious one, a fantastic, resourceful and completely authentic choice.

Time, DID, and Essence

We wanted to speak of these things together.  Together for us, may and most likely is, different for us, than singular beings.  This is also a core theme in DID, time, and essence.  In modern times, most everything we do is measured with time.  This is an inherent issue for fractured souls.  In our times, so much has been focused on intellect, concrete thinking, consumerism and capitalism, we have lost our essence, we try to measure our lives, to cheat the ultimacy of it, we lose our essence, our sense of being human, or essence, in pursuit of artificial desires and perceived system security.

Existentialism,  at the core, understands that time is an abstract concept, not as concrete as the intellects, would like us to believe.  What is time after all, but an artificial measurement given by people looking into existence, not “being”, living, and taking responsibility for it.  Intellectual minds focus on facticity.  This allows for rationale thinking, and emotionless conclusions.  substituting rationale for emotion is the hallmark of controlling systems. As intellects immerse themselves in facticity, the existentialists will forever rebel with humanism, and emotion.  The human essence is forever cursed with awareness.  Man cannot live in oblivion as we are aware of our own mortality.  Trauma victims, are in this category, whether their own consciousness transcends awareness.  Their essence has a desire to live more than their consciousness.  in the cases of child trauma, undoubtedly the most destructive, the mind breaks apart, taking along only the knowledge and experiences agglomerated in this moment in time.  Akin to a snapshot of the here and now, fragmentation stores, collates, and places this in storage for later reference.  It is this living in the moment, this disregard for the fears of the future or the past.

Time, as defined by the intellectuals, is a measurable unit by which we are good to do things.  We measure our mortality in time, we measure our self worth in time.  We have even allowed the mass beuqacratic systems to even “Charge for time”, more commonly known as interest.  To a plural person, time is irrelevant, as we do not experience time in the ways,  the system would wish it.  A plural person experiences time in situations,  moments,  time without measure.  Fo rate plural person, mortality is something we debate constantly.  The plural person is forced to inquire of himself, as his time is limitless, and yet to a much greater degree than most, more precious.  The plural person realizes that their existence is in the moment, just as authenticity would suggest.

Living in the moment is not enough.  Once we are aware, we are “we”, bad faith begins to manifest.  We begin to live as the masses expect us too.  Teh masses begin to validate teh traumas of the past, instead of living in this raw authenticity, unfiltered and unscripted, we begin to feel a need to change our worldly manifestations to conincide with teh system expectations.  We feel as if we are aware, so we can begin to change ourselves to attain what we have always loved for, acceptance, belonging, security.  Ironically, the desire fo these things is the most dramatic example of living in bad faith, or to be not authentic.

Man cannot define himself in this way.  To man if his individual responsibility of his own decisions,  is to refuse ourselves the  absurd freedom we have only just realized.  Absurd why?  Freedom in itself is the manifestation of true existentialism.  You do not have to KNOW you are free to have freedom.  You cannot escape freedom, however you can dismiss the concept in light of a lack of responsibility for yourself.  YOU can choose to be free.  This is not something given, earned, fought for or even bought.  Freedom is the right of every individual, everywhere, in every time.  Time and freedom go hand in hand.  Conceptualize the freedom you can experience if time was irrelevant.  The enormous feelings of dread and despair, we all feel every day.  For centuries, man has turned to faith, theologies, and there less human manifestations to find a way to gain an artificial sense of control over their immortality.  From family dynasties, monetization,  and consolidation of power, ie amassing this worthless idea of money, to science.  Why do you think people study medicine?  Medicine is the mechanical study of the human body, without regards to the human essence.  We give so much of ourselves to these people because we fear our death.  We use time to remind us, to do things before we die.  We have lists to remind us of our mortality.  We are in a state of living to try and cheat death, knowing we cannot.  Man currently exists looking backwards and forwards, never looking in the hear and now.  Living plural, forces you to live in the hear and now.  The consequences of the alternative are a struggle “we” live with on a moment to moment basis.  Time has no meaning when all you seek is to survive the present.

Authenticity

 

To truly be Authentic, one must embrace the here and now, the core discipline when living with trauma.  By understanding that we are truly free in being, therefore by default our being demands that we embrace it as we find it.  To attempt to modify, or even deny our essence, our being, to the mass system, is to deny our very existence.  If we are truly free, if we are truly authentic, we are required to embrace the here and now, as WE find it.  Succumbing to societal normals, and cues from mass systems, is living in bad faith, and removes freedom voluntarily from the individual.

As long as we remain true and. noble to our humanity, and not revert to or digress to living in bad faith as the intellects and concrete thinkers would have, we can tackle the most basic, yet long standing issues of human existence.  We can live without fear of adaptation, free to be whomever we are, ,at that time.  Destiny s merely a product of our reactions, to others reactions, and so forth.  History is not written until the individual passes through.  when living with DID, every alter lives in his own reality, a reality we all share.  Learning that WE can be anything.  Learning that being plural is not a curse, or indicator of horrors best to the body, we can then as free individuals learn we have nothing to fear, as we are in control.  The past is written, however the future is ours to write.   Seizing the freedom as Sartre suggested, and commanding your world in your time and space is critical to the DID patient.  Being plural, living timeless, perceiving the world through the eyes of many; these are all powers many have written about and studied.  For those of us living plural, this is merely normalcy.

Man, as an organism , and not delineated by sex or race, is arrogant enough o believe he is the center of all things, except his own mortality This is a core theoretical belief, and necessary as it seems to satisfy the philosophical emptiness, imprinted on the Western world.  The inability comprehend the end of his own existence,  death,  is the very reason that proves humanity.  If in fact,  man was unintelligent, and unaware, we would live our lives in blissful, serenity. Man even needs to explain his own awareness in intangible theory, as is in the Story of Adam and Eve.

Existentialism, can be useful in anyones life.  most philosophical threes have some real world applications.  In the tase of DID, and trauma related issues, We think that these are magnified exponentially.  We live in a world without limits.  Just as Sartre, was at his most free, during the Nazi Occupations, and whilst imprisoned at a German Stalag.  Our very being, or essence, will chose to survive.  THE core action that causes the fragmentation of the Childs personality, is in of itself an action, that requires courage, creativity, and intellectual complexity.

It is not the fault of the intellectual, scientific society that they do not, or can not understand then complexities of the human spirit.  The intellectual looks at life from the concrete, from afar.  The trauma survivor, looks at life from the here and now.  From the moment we are in, unable from fear, shame, and guilt to look beyond the moment.

Existentialists know, the world Is defined only by our own actions, and the choices that bring those actions to be.our reactions to the presence of other individuals, and our attitudes toward them.Our world and ourselves can never be defined by looking ahead of the hear and now, but living authentically, truthfully and int eh here and now, pushing forward through the present into the future can define not only our past but our present.  Learning not only WHO we are, but realizing that we ARE in complete control; choices that others made for our lives as children were NOT our fault, or choices, and that we are ONLY responsible for our own actions.  These are key fundamentals in OUR path to recovery.  I hope that are in yours.

 

 

Parenting Made Easy…… Maybe

 

Part One

We all know that the most challenging, or one of the most challenging things, can be raising children.  In todays times, you will more than likely also get a chance to raise someone else children as well.  They say it takes a village, but what village?  We have found that this does not have to be as complicated, but the task is still a daunting one.  When you un-complicate things, the truth becomes easy to see.  How to make parenting simple, easy, just ask the children, and yourselves the following things:

  • Am I Self Confident?
  • Am I an Angry Person?
  • Do I yell at others in anger?
  • Do I strike others in Anger?
  • Do I pass Guilt onto Others?
  • Do I use Fear or Shame as a Motivational Aid?

If you notice, these questions are about YOU, the parent, not your children.  Lets hope and assume you are asking yourself these questions, BEFORE you bring children into the mix.  Do not be offended, or feel guilt if you answer YES to anything here.  Most people do.  The society we have cultivated believes that power, oppression, and violence is an acceptable form of behavior management.  Not only in our children, but the world around us.  How can we fault ourselves for following the example that was imprinted onto our by the caregivers we had?

So, if you answered yes, ask yourself why.  Then write it down, including three reasons and at least three sentences supporting each reason why you answered the way you did.  This self examination, if honest will truly open your eyes to something most of us go great lengths to avoid, ourselves.  When you realize, your children deserved to be treated better than, if not equal to the world around you.  If you would not strike another person, human being for being rude, why would you hit your child?  If yelling at you, as a child, only serves to make the person yelling feel better, why would we yell at our children?  When ddi yelling or shaming a child ever do anything more than make the person dishing int out, feel better?

After completing the above exercise, ask yourself these questions, and be honest:

  • Did I receive praise and kindness regularly?
  • Did I feel safe from pain, shame or guilt?
  • Did people make me feel special and accepted without condition?

 

These are perhaps the more difficult questions to answer, and you should be careful.  True examination of these topics are personal, and far reaching.  Now when you determine what the answers are, you can move forward.  Instead of focusing on the laundry list of negative things that DID happen to us, we try to focus on things that did NOT occur.  Praise, safety, self confidence, and worth.  If we can now provide these things, not only to ourself first, but t our family, we are far ahead.

In our personal experience, we have a six year old daughter, who for all purposes, is a challenge.  We for several years would try the routine of yelling, grounding, even a spanking or two run there.  Always coming to frustration.  The more frustrated we became, the more we would yell and repeat the behaviors of the parents we had.  We never know this till we all started communicating.  I, would never do these things, however there are parts fo us that would.  It is complicated.

Now that we are living, across the system, pretty much negativity free, we are really starting to see a dramatic change in our daughter.  We had to change our behavior, as did the rest of the household too.  We eliminated yelling first, punitive actions second, and now were working on always being positive.  We shower her with praise and affection, always letting her know how awesome she is.  That is where you find a trap,  that most people fall into.  Keep things positive.   When you use words like BUT, in a sentence, you have negated all the positive you just put out there.  Leave things positive.  Cuddle; Physical affection for no reason other than affection, is one of the most important things a child can have.  Your loved. PERIOD.  If you need to correct behavior, this will blow your mind, BE NICE!  YES!  strange concept?, I think not.  In the adult world, when we really want something, were nice.  We schmooze, we Kidd ass, right?  Why not try just being nice and polite to your kid?  Respect them, the way you would respect any other person.   WOW, the results have been amazing.

You are not a weak parent of respecting the wishes of a five year old, or any child for that matter.  If we truly want our children to exceed the parents, then you have to give them what we the parents, or caregivers, did not have.  Treat your children better, not worse, that you would treat a stranger.  Do our job, and not only keep them safe on our perspective, but make them FEEL safe, from their perspective.  We always as a society, talk about how much we want to protect our children.  We have these big fundraisers, and events to celebrate the great things we do for our children, ye the h statistics tell another story.  Were failing our children.  our children are becoming lost in a world where their hearts and minds are filled with fears.  How could we ever feel safe anywhere now.

If a child, now more than ever, does not get positive reinforcement, respect, freedom to choose, and safety, from the first day of life, they will know.  There mind and body will keep score, even if they cannot.  Their fears will become the driving forces in their character development.  They will become another generation, looking to solve their problems, with fear mongering, aggression, shame, and violence.  Never understating why.  Projecting this fears, and misconceptions onto their offspring.  These effects now magnified.  We have to take a stand, do something different! The time to save our children, society, our future, is now.   If we use logic, we can see, doing the same thing is NOT helping anything,  things are,  progessively worse.

New Feelings, New Fears; Is this really, “Getting Better?”

This is one of those defining moments in our lives, where we have an opportunity to either make the choices we have always made, or try something different.  I know that this seems a no brainer,  for many of you reading this.  If your that crazy, why would you choose to make the same choices you did last time?  We think the real question here is, why have we made them so many times already.

Being plural, means having to live in the here and now, as one dear person to me would say.  We have to process things without conscious histories.  We are required to navigate the storms, without studying the charts; We have to react and respond, rather than plan and execute.  Is it a stretch to see why so many of our choices, have less than desirable outcomes?  Why we function most effectively when things are in such Chaos and crisis, that most non-trauma folks are running for the hills or a straightjacket after some time with us.  You cannot compare the rationalizations of a mind broken into pieces, with one that is not.  Just stop, you will end up in the bed next to us at the nut house.

Now, take everyone thats involved in your decision making process, unbeknownst to you, and tell them all they’re sharing the body.  They are NOT in control.  They are  NOT crazy ass individuals, however a conglomerate of other peoples needs imposed upon a child who could not resist.  Breaking him into pieces, based on reactions to the power forced on him.  The fear and shame used to control and break him into the fragments that exist today.   Imagine the diversity of personalities, experiences and conditioned responses that child would have.  Those children would have, that we have.  Now, turn that inside yourself, wondering WHO are we really?  What part of our life is our own?  Do we exist?  Do we matter, or are we just a delusion to bring about the desired change we need to survive that moment.  These are profound questions, that no-one should ever have to truly ponder..

This is where WE are today as a collective,  the Non-Consolidated suspension, like crude oil settling in the tank.  Just as crude, they add chemicals to us all trying to make is more uniform and manageable.  Wanting to extract from us only the parts they deem desirable, discarding the rest.  We stand at a precipice of our own identity.  We can choose the path less traveled; leading us into the unknown.  Making choices we have never made before.  Exploring parts of us we have not felt since we would sit atop Sandy flying through the air.  The parts of that fee SAFE, just with ourselves.  Safe in the fact WE can handle this.  We are learning that WE all have talents and gifts.  We are learning to use them in harmony to achieve our goals, rather than as individuals fighting each other and the world.

So why is this so unsettling?  Why do we feel like were failing?  For so many years we have felt, at least part time like were in control of our life.  We came to mostly accept, that we re mentally ill, and that we made crappy choices.  We came to believe all those things that were implanted as a child, were simply reinforced through adult prejudices and malicious treatment.  So how could we ever begin to make different, choices?  We are crazy, stupid, failures that cannot manage tenor own life, how could we ever make a decision that was not already familiar to us?  Why would we ever feel like we could have the ability to be any smarter than the choices we have already made?

“We have made it this far, which is further than anyone ever thought we would, so why change?  ”

This is the argument that plays out daily, within our circle.  The circle of power I call it now.  Pat, Larry and Me.  Brian has been trying to push his way in lately.  Weird.  We KNOW there can be a different life for us.  Something we have always reached for.  A life that matters to people.  A life where we can help other children and make a difference in their lives, no matter how old the body is.   Then the self doubt kicks in.  Can we pull it off?  Are we capable of more than just leaching off others?  Why do we even wonder, we know we have failed at everything we have ever done, so there.  Why even try.  This is the struggle.  Now we are just beginning to see that WE ARE awesome, and gifted, and all those things we remember hearing, once.  We MAY be able to pull this off.  If we can help just one person in life, ours is worthy of more air.

The dilemma here is a simple, yet due to the fragmentation of selves, very complex and multi faceted.  Like fighting a battle surrounded on all sides in every dimension, diplomacy is key.  Maybe this is why we are, as may of us “plural people”, in sales.  We can shine the light where we need, to survive.

“Today, I need that sale to survive.  Might as well just Give me your money.”

We can honestly remember having these exact thoughts many times.  Right before closing a deal.  Now,  the sale is much more difficult.  As we are all now in the early stages of connection, bullshitting each other is much more a challenge.  There is two sides to every action.  This positive and the negative.  These do not have to be the same to everyone looking in.  Our perspective will choose for us what we deem to be good and evil, Right and Wrong, Spicy or Mild.

We are now in a state of acceptance of truth and fact.  This, and learning that we can achieve more together, as a unit, not a singular entity; is allowing many of us to set aside our old fears, temporarily at least.  We are trying out the waters to see if the storm is navigable.  Clinging to the one thing we have for so long, but never believed existed: Hope.  Hope above all that we can learn to stall our fears, long enough to test the waters. Hope that we can curb our shame, so we can see the greatness we hide underneath.  Hope that after the dust settles, awe will all remain to charge onto the breach, defeating the unknown, and conquering the demons laid upon us at a time,  when we could not defend ourselves.

Group Solitary Confinement. The struggle for closeness.

If there is one struggle that we can all remember through the history of our life, it is the one for feeling close to anything.  We have felt closer to places, and animals than we ever have top people.  I am sure that is because of our history with humans.  The feeling of being close, not sexually intimate, thats a completely different novella, just knowing that someone else would miss us if we were dead.  One of the most frequent recurring fears we have is being forgotten.  Having no one to claim our body, having no one to remember us in the generations to come.  This to us is being alone.  We can be in a city of millions, completely alone.

As a human being, we are designed to be group animals.  We thrive in clusters and survive this way.  Part of the mating process, is learning to trust in the judgement, intentions, and character, to feel close.  This closeness translates to love and caring in most cases.  In other cases, only horror and fear.  At least for us, we have never found a single person, human, that we are able to feel close to.  We cannot trust the motives of another.  We are sentenced to a seemingly lifetime, in group solitary confinement.

As far as we can recall, we have never felt truly loved by anyone.  OI know this will offend many, however the truth is the truth.  This is no fault from the people that have truly tried to bring good into our lives.  The fault lies before, far before anyone currently in our life.  Mist of these orioles bodies have now expired to dust and ashes.  However the results are far reaching, and permanent.

Before we are ever born into this world. we are instinctively attached to the one who has carried us, the mother.  nine, months in a womb is more time that many people know each other before marriage.  When we make the journey to the outside world, we are greeted by the mother, and usually the father, along with some soon to be forgotten strangers.  However the bond between mother and child is permanent at this point.  This is why mothers who give up their babies for adoption can have a bind that lasts forever without contact.  Fathers, not so much.  The bond has to be grown from love and caring.  When both of these bonds are shattered early on, the results are devastating to the spirit inside the child.

We wish we knew, the feelings of care, love, joy, and closeness.  We have a bind with our daughter I believes makes the grade.  We could never subject this perfect little life form to the horrors that craft our identities.  WE do not understand how anyone could do more than love and care for such a child.  A child that adores and loves us for all ourselves.  Why is it then our parents and caregivers felt so differently?  Who knows, it does not matter anyway.  Wed cannot fix the past, only adjust our actions in the future.  This what we tell ourself anyway.  We re not sure we always believe it, we have to try.

The myriad of failed relationships in our past iOS testament to the lack of trust we have for people.  We have take perfectly good relationships and sent them to the gutter of our lack of trust.   We all say that trust is a natural part of any relationship .  Let us examine this for a minute and see what that means.  Who you enter into what we call, the “real”, relationship stage.  This is not a period of time, but where you start to believe that the person you are dating is “different”, and that there may be a chance they will not hurt you like the others.  As the trauma victim, we are longing fo this “sweet spot”, in a relationship.  The place where they do not know us yet, but they seem to be into us enough to care.  They like us enough to get closer, and we have seen no signs of perceived malice.   This is the worst time fo bus.  This is when we just fall off the edge.  Once we have fallen, we try to be open and honest, sort of.  We let our soft underbelly show more.  We allow ourselves to become immersed int eh seemingly stable emotional state of the other party.  We try to find a sense of humanity that we have lost in their closeness to us.  We are NOT close to them yet, merely in this dopamine induced state of euphoria, that comes from anything feeling safe.  Do not worry, this will not last.

As we progress from the casual into the sensual, we become more confused and ever wary of our new partners intentions.  Why are they with us?  What do they want?  What can we do for them?  What do they want from us?  Where is the breaking point?  What will happen to me when this cashes and burns?    I will be alone forever, just take what you can from it and be ready for the burn, hit reset.

The summary os short but true, at least for us.  As we have no real foundation for what a healthy relationship should be; We continually rub the program we have until we run out of time.  How can we know what is safe and what is not?   We cannot.  Our experiences teach the opposite.  We know that when someone says the y love you, there is a totally different connotation there.  Love for us is pain.   Pain, under control, can be life-giving.  Thats another story.

Many of us try so hard for closeness, we think sex will get us there.  We try hard to produce the best product, so as to get the best results.  Which for us means closeness and intimacy.  Not the physical kind;  We have has enough of that.    We use the one thing that so many have used before us for their own needs.  The body.  We sacrifice our body and soul trying o find that which eludes us.  Like trying to find a unicorn in a rainbow, we doubt that success os coming to us.  We still however give it all.  The body has been through so much in the Blake of the quest, only to see our body wrecked, and our souls tormented.  So why should we continue to try.  We devastate ourselves even further, falling into more shame and self loathing.  We reassure the belief of  ourselves, to be worthless.

With a great deal of therapy and struggles, we are now learning that we do not have to have the at feeling fo closeness to another to survive.  We are discovering,  as we learn about ourselves that we are good people, mostly!  We see that we are different through no fault of our own.  We are learning that we can be in control and safe without the validation of anyone.  Though this seems a defeat, or submission  to the fact we cannot have what the bulk of others do; We see this as a victory.  We are able to see we are “good Enough”, we are just fine.  We do not need the validation of another person to not only survive, but thrive.  We are still working on the thrive, but were closer than we have ever been.  :earning that our needs are very different that others is important.  When the light bulb comes on the feeling, is liberating.  The first time you experience it, indescribable.

If you or a family member suffers from trauma, or anything else that make them feel like they are less than a person, remember this:  You can surround yourself with as many people as you want.  Keep your walls in place, just make sure to always, keep the front door key handy!  YOU are in charge of how your relationships progress.  YOU do not have to settle fro less than amazing, as you are!  YOU, also have the right to be safe and happy!  YOU, are the only ones that can make these choices.  Removing the toxic people from your life is step #1.  Toxicity knows no boundaries.  DO not let your fears of loneliness keep you in that waste dump we all have in our minds.  Stretch out a hand now and again to something new and different!  We already know what the same choices will bring us, right?  Get out of your comfort zone, or at least examine the hell out of it.  Most likely were contributing to out own self imposed confinement, real or otherwise.

Being the Identified Patient…..

I really wanted to stop, and think hard before writing this.   This challenges the very core of may peoples challenges, including our own.  Before we go into the depths of hell which is being the IP, lets identify and define what the “IP” means.

Identified patient, or “IP“, is a term used in a clinical setting to describe the person in a dysfunctional family who has been unconsciously selected to act out the family’s inner conflicts as a diversion. This person, often a child, is “the split-off carrier of a breakdown in the entire family system,” which may be a transgenerational disturbance or trauma.[1]Peter L. Rudnytsky, Reading Psychoanalysis (2002) p. 44)

now, what does that mean to the of us that happen to be an IP?  That changes from system to system, person to person, family to family.  However, there are some central themes.   in most cases the IP is merely the convenient conduit for the family unit or the internal system to defer blame and misery when another persona, wants to reduce the attention on themselves.  The IP becomes the Patsy.

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, has given us a front row seat to the IP dilemma.  For many years we have experienced the prejudices, ridicule, disbelief, and social shunning that comes with many forms of mental anguish.  People fear what they do not understand, and to make themselves feel better, they mock and slander these things.  Most people then can feel as of they could never be afflicted, or effected by such a condition as they were better than that.  Mental issues just do not happen to them.  That was for crazy people, retards, all those crazy bipolar people on television.

When we become identified as the IP, its not a ceremony, or an official letter or even a discussion at the psychiatrists office.  You will know.  You will fell completely at fault for most things in your system and family.  You will feel fear for the safety of yourself, as it is your fault, and you will get into trouble.  You will plan to run, as you don’t want to be where your going to tear everyone apart, where all the bad things that happen are blamed on you.  Where you are punished for things you are really not responsible for, cannot remember, or do not understand how you even were involved.  These things issues, fights, money problems, etc, are all your fault, always.  But here you are, and I do not mean the childhood trauma, this is every day life as an adult.

We as trauma survivors can perceive things in a most skewed way, when in comparison to the rest of the people out there.  We can go from the sky is blue to the sky is falling in two seconds or less.  There is nothing anyone can do to prevent this.  These can be trivial things,  something is misplaced, or other simple item.  The fact is this can turn into a major crisis, invoking fears, anger, shame and rage all at once.  The unaffected people on the room are wondering why you just broke down in tears and ran out of the room.  Again, adults here.  Welcome to being the IP.

When you are blamed, beat, tortures, intimidated, and punished for everything by the ones that love you, you KNOW it HAS to be YOU!  There is no way they would do this off we weren’t bad.  We must be really bad as we caused mom to shoot at dad, or dad to beat mom.  You get the idea.  This behavior becomes hard wired, just like beating a puppy when its young, it will fear everything.  If you begin beating them later in life they get mean and bite back,  The IP cannot ever learn to fight back,  Why would they, they are always in the wrong.  Punish us, get it over with so we can forget it.

The tragedy herein lies the adult IP.  THE child who managed to grow up, always feeling he is bad, or wrong, or responsible for everyone else misfortunes around them.  They lose their sense of respect.  The very sense that they will ever be good enough for anyone,  Will anyone ever live them, without hurting them.  When they reach out for the love they never felt, they find a whole new abuser to feed on their vulnerability all over again.  Re-victimizing the victim,  perpetuating the damage and securing the victim that all of their worst fears were always true and realized with every failed social interaction they have.  Healthy relationships cannot exist for the child at this point.  He cannot see past the piles of failures he stacks around him like a wall of silence.

Being the identified patient sucks.  Our families see ft to throw every drama bomb that enters their life on your scorecard.  Just as soon as you think your getting to par they dump a bogie on you when your not looking, always lightening their own cards.  Learning to own your shortcomings is an important part of recovery and therapy.  The real healing begins when you can learn that you only have to own YOUR faults.  Everyone else has their own bag to tote their crap, and they can feel free to use it.  We take on ourselves, I believe out of a desire to please others, and therefore make them love us.  If I, as the Ip can make them happier, or less angry, maybe we can get them to love us. Maybe they will just hate us less, if that makes sense.

I would like to say that my own family and system both are guilty to different degrees in using us as a scapegoat. Even though we hope and long for true equality and acceptance in the outside world, this is only a dream. I fear that well past my lifetime the IP, no matter what the diagnosis, will find the same feelings and prejudices we have found for the preceding centuries. What hop is there then? Why do we continue to trudge on? There is hope. When “we” as a group learn to communicate, channel and manage our collective skill sets, and use healthy boundaries to OUR advantage, we become what others fear. Secure, confident, and very multiple. After all, how does a singular person explain how a completely batcrap crazy person can have their stuff together better than them?? Easy. We have a team and we were forced to see it. Most out there, live in denial so deep coming up for air is a dream.

Do we/You(s) have DID?

How many times has the google search pinged this.  How many of us are searching for answers to out struggles online, in the dark.  We are all looking for the same thing.  Many of us have reached into different belief systems, religions, social groups and more.  We are all looking for answers, meaning, proof were live sometimes.  We need to validate our very existence.  Something most people can do on their own at a young age.  However the chronic trauma victim cannot.  As we begin to travel our journey, no matter rtes bids age, we begin to do what most people do as a child and in adolescence.  We question our world.  Beginning as adult children, metaphorically, we engage our word to the limited degree we can.  We probe for reasons we are so different.  Many times really questioning our own agendas and motives.  “Are we really that horrible?!”  How could we have so many struggles it seems, and most others around us go on with their lives quite uneventfully,  in comparison.

If you KNOW, and have accepted that you are many, then you are reading this for other reasons, maybe just additional validation knowing others feel as you do.   We use the term, feel in many places where others would expect to find the word, “know”.  This is because childhood trauma victims, remember the feelings.  Our knowing is in the FEEL of it all.  We were so young we never really developed the understanding of KNOWING anything.  Our very instincts to love our caregivers and trust in them are themselves hurtful.  How can we ever learn to believe in ourselves today, either as young adults or middle aged train wrecks.  This is the reason that so many plural people, have a hard time accepting “us”.  Our coping skill is designed to run un the background, like a passive security program.  Always watching and monitoring in the subconscious.   In the event of a “trigger”. the software takes over, isolating the embedded programming, protecting it from the events about to, or alewaadly in progress in the system.  Think this:  how many of us actually open the protection software on our electronic devices, unless we get a notification or a crash.  Same applies here, if you are unaware of the events happening, you don’t want to know.  Then, as things begin to normalize, we are dumped right back in  to the same sub-routine we were previously engaged in.  Most of “us”, are programmed by our surroundings to believe we are eccentric, forgetful, or just moody and boorish.

As we have read the clinical and cold criteria for Dissociative Identity Disorder, like so many other diagnosis, the ticking of the boxes does not even come close to getting the diagnosis right.  At leas t this is OUR opinion, and subject to scrutiny I am sure.  Even the clinical descriptions are so cold I will not quote them here, I am human(s).  What I believe we have lost not only in this diagnosis, but nay of the trauma related and stress related mental health disorders is this:  HUMANITY.  Did everyone get that?  What most of us fail to see, unless your on the patent end, losing our humanity, is killing us all.  The ability for a PERSON, to commit an act of human decency, can cure most things we see here.  All the medications,  Shock therapies, seances, and similar religious based hysterical treatments, cannot replace the act of just being nice.  To make a point tot be brought up again later; There has never been a trauma patient that complained of her caregivers being too nice and kind tot hem.  Why is that?

 

For us, the somewhat predictable hurricane that our lives had become was killing us.  THE body was in the forties now, and tired.  Our health was failing, we were LARGE, and we couldn’t make to through a business meeting without bursting into tears.  Imagine this in a refinery!  We Could not remember most of our life prior to our twenties.  We had snapshots, or “commercials” in our thoughts, but could not piece them all together.  our thoughts were broken and erratic.  We would appear lazy at times, as we were exhausted.  We would forget the most common things, over and over again.  Our caregivers increased the intensity levels of our punishments, making the breakage even more intense.  The circle was formed.  The pattern was learned and repeated.

We would have intense passionate relationships, people would fall so hard and fast for us.  WE were working as a team to feed our insecurities.  This is one reason we are so good in sales.  We are feeding our sense of self worth when we succeed.  So we succeed a lot.  We need the fuel to justify whey were here.  Is this our purpose.  Then we wake up in another crisis, usually self generated by a system, that I have no idea I had, working as fourteen independent people.  Ever seen a McDonalds with fourteen managers working all at once?  Chinese fire drill!  Every day in your head.   Thats DID.  The incessant noise everyones thoughts.  Remember the Mel Gibson movie, where he could here the thoughts fo the females around him?  Try turning the volume up but the people aren’t around poi, they are you.  You cannot escape, you have to listen.  Am I crazy? as you ask yourself for the five hundredth time this hour.  Is this schizophrenia?  Will I spend my days drooling on myself eating green jello?  Who you learn that were not hearing the voices, but feeling them it starts to click.  Maybe we aren’t dying over the cuckoos nest yet, well maybe not!  That is the best way I can describe my first real taste of acceptance.  The fight however was far from over,  within us.

If you find yourselves arguing amongst yourselves, that you DONT have DID, or that you’re all making this up just for attention, as our parents said.  Maybe you think this is all a rouse to get meds?  The fact you continually fight yourselves, that you do not have DID, that your making this up, that your pathetic and need attention, or a date, or whatever so much that your this crazy to make this up.  Maybe they called you borderline, bipolar, schizoaffective, or just moody.  Maybe they put you on every med for ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, and other drugs that weren’t even labeled for anything.  Maybe they just kept writing prescriptions because you kept showing up for help.  Many of us then,  still don’t know why we kept going.  The simple truth is this.  There is not ONE pharmaceutical drug for the treatment of DID.  However there are lots of drug companies wanting to off label their drugs to get more prescriptions written; but that is another article.  The short version, people that have DID, will be the hardest ones to convince they have it.

For those of you that are either sacred, convinced, or think you loved one is plural, you have read this far.  Please know there truly is a controversy,  attached to DID, perhaps more than any other diagnosis.  The argument in the professional community, well actually,is more for those having it that the rest of us.  For those whom have either experienced first hand or otherwise, feeling as incomplete, yet resilient; understand that there approval and understanding is neither required or sought after.  The very fact you are reading this is proof of your spectacular skills and intellect.  Being plural is NOT a label you should be ashamed of.  This is not a disorder that happens from weakness; we are strength and courage personified.  We are one who are many.

When you find yourself googling DID, cPTSD, MPD, in every minute of your spare time.  When people come up to you and you have no idea who they are, but they know you.  Somewhere you know they are familiar, yet completely strange.  When you lose time.  When. you struggle with identity and self daily.  If you find yourself questioning how you have knowledge of things you dod not experience, take inventory.   Y’all . may have something to chat about.  Once you not only accept, but when you ALL BELIEVE, then communication really begins.  You WILL know.

What it’s Not…

How many times have you heard, “Whats it like to have multiple personalities?”  If I had a dollar…..  The truth is having the ability to completely dissociate your entire identity, at mostly involuntary moments, can be like, just about anything.  The truth is, in our opinion, there are things that it definitely is not.

  • The result off too much praise to a child
  • The result of healthy boundaries
  • The result of Non-Enforcement of every detail of the Childs life
  • The result of not striking a child to enforce rules.
  • The result of allowing their child to feel safe.
  • The results of a child from learning to question the world around him and form his own opinions without prejudice.

I am actually quite impressed with this listing.  I was afraid when we sat down to write this we would get very cliche.  I think we have produced some quality here.  In case you didn’t know, we have agreed to write here completely un-edited.  These are our true and unrehearsed thoughts, experiences, and beliefs as we are at the time we write. All the more reason to stay tuned in!

Now, for the rest of the Story!

I find that many of us plural people and mores the people around them, get consumed with wanting to know what made them this way.  I say lets focus on what didn’t happen in their lives and repeat that behavior.   This would seem to be the model I would follow.  Current trends parenting indicate most parents in our culture and others choose to enforce rather than empower.  To confine rather than encourage growth.  To use oppression and despotism as a parenting model, thus magnifying the effects as we progress through generations.  As we are all well aware, every time you replicate something, something of the original is list until you have a corruption that is irreversible.  welcome to our society today.

Praise

Why are we as a society so fast to run straight to hte negative whenever possible.  Why are we as a group so cruel in the treatment of our disabled and weak.  When did it become fashionable and mainstream to have bloody fights, theatrical violence, even children video games.  In many cultures praise and positivity is the chosen path for parenting and general day to day interactions with other humans and animals alike.  The idea of politeness, manners, and family structure is still alive and well today.  In these “primitive cultures”,  teh rates of DID/MOD, as well of hosts of other trauma and stress related disorders is significantly lower.  In fact the rates of crimes against children is lower.  If you believe that the body truly keeps the score the first statistical reference is the more significant of the two.  Even if crime statistics are greatly under reported in the countries, the mental health statistics should give a more accurate representation of reality.

Being raised in a home where praise was sparse.  When it came it had an almost artificial feel to it.  Almost as if forced from stone to be uttered in the presence of an outsider.  To keep the appearance of the happy family.  The gloom of reality would soon return almost immediately we were in the presence of our family current temporary dwelling.

The association of positive praise and the return of the nightmare became so hard wired, that to this day we fear doing well.  We believe now that what has been the roller coaster of our life is mainly this:

 

  • We land somewhere new
  • We shine like a rockstar
  • We start to receive the desired recognitions
  • We begin to fear we are going to fail again
  • We begin to stress
  • The personality changes become unmanageable
  • We begin to plan our exit
  • We know were failing now
  • We throw a Hail Mary
  • We fall
  • We Run
  • We start over barely remembering anything

 

As you can see in the timeline here, when we begin to succeed, we begin to fear.  Fear is there mother of all that is evil.  Fear is the root of narcissistic power.  Fear is the fuel behind all that drives a trauma victim.  Fear is all the trauma victim knows.  Even in the face of adulthood, where praise may come and safety is almost always assured; the trauma victim is now hard-wired, in the loop that is DID.  Unable to move forward, and continually thrust into the aging body world, the mod splits.  Having the glue to hold this together only comes from a secure sense of who we are, and the security to know that we are safe.    If you never make a child feel safe, he can’t feel anything but fear and shame.  If you never make a child feel secure in himself, all he feels is shame and self loathing.  So, love your child, don’t harm them.

 

 

Healthy Boundaries

I use teh term boundaries here, since there are many kinds of boundaries.  They can be both ways, good and bad.  Most of the boundaries we were ever taught were about secrecy, threats, and prejudices.  Other than that, there were no boundaries in our household.  When, as we are still, discovered that we had the right to say no, we didn’t understand.  We were always taught that to want for ourselves was rude.  Rude was bad.  Bad hurts.

As children we have a short line when it comes to spacial reasoning.   Things boil down to good and bad; as well as cause and effect.  When we associate most of our life experiences while the personality, and other vital cognitive functions are still forming, you end up with being prepared for bad all the time.   When your instincts tell you that your supposed to love and trust your parents, and your parents do not love and safeguard you back, you get trauma.  When your caregivers are more concerned over their own sick needs and fears, you get trauma.  When there are no boundaries, or safeguards in place, you get trauma.  This is where the beginning and the end become a single blurred line with many breaks in between.

Having the ability to securely within oneself to say no, and have that need respected is critical in teh development of a Childs mind.  When you learn that saying no doesnt mean a beating, or torture, you can then start to learn who you are and what you believe.  You can learn that making your own decisions os not only good, but needed.  You can learn that your feelings and beliefs are your own, and completely OK.

 

Micromanagement

In the business world, many have learned the hard truth, usually in the form of monetary attitude adjustment, however many do not.  Micromanaging anything is pretty much a disaster waiting to happen.  The crisis is sure to come, the timing is all that is in question.  This is no different in the family dynamic, especially for developing children,

The idea of controlling and choreographing every movement of a Childs life his fundamentally flawed.  When you remove the creativity, and ability to self regulate any part of any life, you get  few possibilities.  None of which are mutual beneficial in any transaction.

  • The Family Drone
    • When the will of the child is simply broken.  He becomes whatever he os told to be, or at least tries.  These people usually self destruct through various means as soon as they feel they have the freedom to run.  This usually occurs when the family is dead and now the child is all alone for they first time in adulthood without someone o command them.
  • The Rebel
    • This child most commonly is the visible one.  Openly reeling, getting into trouble, and generally appearing to deserve the hard treatment they get.  This child will usually run away, or try, or find other ways of escaping the home of they’re not murdered or incarcerated first.
  • The Broken Child, Lost
    • This is the scariest child by far.  Not sure how to handle the circumstances there in, they constantly torture themselves, punish themselves, and grow up angry, shamed, and alone.  Never developing any emotions other than fear, and loneliness the child lives in darkness and mentally ill on many levels.  This child isolates and tries to please the parents as nest he can.

Again, there is no good outcome in these scenarios.  The very fact that we can prove in many models, not just parenting, that micromanaging is always a negative outcome, we continue do this.  When the management style fails it is societally accepted to use violence, corporal punishment, to achieve the desired result.  This has a temporary effect of giving the caregivers what they want.  The long term effects are much much worse.

 

Corporal Punishment

So, this question has to be asked here.  When did it become ok, to strike a child, and not anyone else?  Why is it that we accept violence towards our OWN children, that would otherwise be condemned and even prosecutable to any other human being?  Why can prison guards not strike an inmate in punishment, but we can a child?  Do prisoners have more rights than our own children????!!!  Hmmmm…..

The act o bringing pain to another in order to modify behavior has been around since the dawn of time.  The issue is the long term effects.   We know that pain has always been used to bring about behavioral changes as a motivator.  Torture is just such an apparatus.  In torture, the person is given a demand,  if the demands are not met by the subject, pain is introduced till the desired outcome is achieved.  in many cases even if the subject is being cooperative, the subject I continually tortured as to achieve an even more desired effect; long term fear and control via the same.

How is this any different that how we treat children with corporal punishment?  When we strike a child, intimidate a child, threaten a child with pain and fear, we are taking away there ability to reason and think through the situation.  When you make their decisions using fear, pain, shame, and deprivation; you eliminate any chance they have to learn.  To become more secure in their own decisions and how their decisions effect them and tenor world.  You create a child, and adult that is afraid to make a decisions, and this dependent on the decisions of others.  This makes a child very vulnerable to predators.  This is why traumatized children, who could never make choices without duress, become repeatedly victimized.

If instead we treat our children like intelligent creatures; Encourage them to question their world in a manner which is respectful and inquisitive, we then create a world of secure adults who refused to be victims, as they know how to inquire and see this coming.  Predators want nothing to do with self secure victims.  How do we teach these values/.  By Example.  We teach this in our interactions with other family members, and with our own children.  Simply commanding them to act a certain way and demonstrating the same old crap is more harmful than beating the kid all over again.

 

Safe Place

what is a place of Safety, not the the “S”.  Safety can be many things, to a child it is simple/. To most trauma victims, the definition is the same.  We just want to be somewhere we will NOT get hurt.  If only for a short time, hours sometimes, we just need to feel safe.  To most people this sounds like a cliche, or another potential meme.  In fact this is much deeper and more complicated.  Having a feeling of core safety may be easy for someone who has not lived in fear their entire life.  Safety for the trauma victim can be the hardest thing to achieve.  The goal, not to create another trauma victim.

If a child feels safe around his caregivers, he will grow and flourish.   Given enough room to question his surroundings, he will become self assured and strong, like a plan in the wind able to bend and recover without breaking.  Everyone, not just children needs a safe place.  This can be ANYWHERE the person feels like they will not get HURT.  hurt can mean anything from scared, to physically harmed.  Providing this environment is probably the single most important thing any parent can do.  Money, stature, and all the worldly things own the world cannot provide this.  This has to come from inside.

 

Living in the society we live in today, it is deplorable, however plausible to see why children have to resort to turning inside to survive.  The very root of this disorder is caused while the personality os still forming in the mind, so somewhere south of age six. At this point, once you break the glass, it becomes easier and easier each time a trauma accords for alters to form at that point in time.  Getting stuck, never being allowed to grow up and merge with the rest of the body and mind.  Is DID preventable…YES, absolutely and without a doubt.  Is this disorder on the decrease?  Absolutely not.  Even though we can find ways to treat HIV, and certain caners or other horrendous diseases, DID remains relatively unaccepted and unstudied.  For a disorder that is completely preventable and so disruptive not only to the patient but to the social and profession;l circles of the effects, its a travesty.

 

Dissociative Identity Disorder, to most should be a wake up call that there is a fundamental and moral issue in our world today.  We have to realize we there is something causing us to sacrifice our legacy to things that can only be described as evil and wrong.  Things that most cultures in the world find morally reprehensible.  We should take heed when centuries old institutions of “moral leadership”, have now been uncovered unquestionably as a hotbed for mistreatment and torture of children.  We should be shocked into action when we have more children dying every year from violence, and suicide.  The mental health statistics can be directly correlated to the unreported crime and family violence numbers.  When we see a child in the mental health system that ticks off the boxes, we should immediately look at the family.  We should expect the sum of the symptoms to equal the result.  We should take action and not ignore things.  If we truly believe, and we do, that The Body Keeps the Score, then we should always believe the body, and take the mind with a grain of salt.

Soul Switching

Having DID, or multiple Personalities can be, no let me change that, IS a challenge most every minute of every day!  We have the folks at AA beat!  They live one day at a time, we live situation to situation.  Putting a reference to any kind of time is a bit silly.  Time is something we have very little to no concept at all.  Time becomes an abstract reality in which we paddle upstream with a toothpick.

The very essence of the switch, or change, can be the most mystifying to us, as well as the rest of you out there.  What you see, and what we feel usually noting he same zip code.  We can be disoriented, physically ill, faint, appear to have a seizure, the list goes on.  I have yet had anyone indicate they enjoyed the experience.  The moment we change becomes the next reference we have to a change in time.  Everything before just does not exist to us now.  We have become,….but whom did we become?  This is not a rebirth or anything quite as glamorous sounding.  This is how we cope with life as we know it.  Thats really it.  We all cope with life as WE know it.  We live together not as roommates, but as head mates in the same body.  Like a dysfunctional family trying to navigate the world with a host of life, death and misery.  We carry it all as if we lived in it every day.  That is what happens when you wreck a child.  The child never grows, never feels safe again.  We have now wrecked a life and just like a car crash, you can never really fix it right.  The more you crash the car, the less it goes back together again.  Same applies here.  When we switch, we live the previous life behind, and deal with teh situation on hand.  One day at a time!  HAH!  I wish it were that easy.

Many of us with DID, or as we will say from here, “plurals”, have many struggles with coping.  This is because we never learned how to deal with anything any any sort fo healthy way.  Our coping skills revert back to the most basic primal instincts, that are controlled by basic emotions: Fear, anger, despair, and longing.  These are the four food groups of plural living.  We feed on these emotions like a duck to stale bread.  We understand, and are most familiar in this mode.  Chaos is the island we swim to in a storm.  Please understand that we do NOT consciously choose chaos.  We in a very misunderstand able way, need chaos to survive.

As our journey is continuing and we need to find more definition in our plural ness.  We need to begin to mature through the system, begin to finally learn who we can truly be, who we are as a group.  We will not have the singular identity that most can understand and relate to.  We will have a multifaceted, complex, and organized team.  We hope…..  For us, and others like us, the team is not an option.  We are given the team we are dealt, and unlike the Dallas Cowboys, we cannot trade them or buy out their contract.  We are for all intensive purposes in a Sea Org contract!  A billion and one years.  Its time we learn to live together and get along as best we can.

Soul switching.  The last feels as if its just that.  As far as we are concerned our souls are separate.  Our memories, experiences, and all the things that make YOU, YOU!  We have that multiplied by fourteen.   When we transition to another identity, most of the time without warning, the feeling can be as intense as a Toal body morphisms, to not even realizing at all.  This is mostly dependent on the situation and identity taking over.  The most intense changes come as a result of flashbacks or the most fun, body memories.  We not only see the event, sometimes visuals don’t even come.  We FEEL the event.  Our emotions, fear and the sensory information we have stored in our subconscious comes back to life.  This all happens in an instant, to you.  To us the entire event is replayed over and over,  till the adrenaline stops.  Then the fun really begins, recovering and coping with THEM!

Them,  in this instance refers to the outsiders.  Sorry, it is most likely the most difficult part about being plural.  Those of you reading this that have only one soul,  it’s not your fault.  You fear and mock what you don’t understand.  I personally think a lot o nth trash that we deal with comes from the fact many people do not want to accept the facts.  Being plural does not happen by accident.  This is not a genetic disorder or something you get from risky sex.  You cannot even get this from a dirty needle!  You can however get this from dirty and evil people.  This is the ugly truth.  If you have this, a very specific recipe had to be followed to get you here.  You WERE hurt.  The majority of the world does NOT want to see this.  Who wants to admit they live in a world that can destroy children, wreck lives and live not to tell.  This applies to everyone from “Doctors, Professionals, law enforcement, right down to the bum on the corner.  Our recovery becomes simple:  Get out, Get Safe, Hide.

I can honestly say this.  EVERYONE(s) that is plural, would greatly appreciate people just shutting up about it already!  We understand you may have had psych in college, seen this on Dr Phil, or even you cousins next door neighbor from 30 years ago daughter had it; So you are an expert.  We have been living with this since we were south of six years old, and we DO NOT have a grip on it yet.  You said you were qualified why????!!  Please just read us as normal.  I you ask a question, be prepared for the answer.  Thera Rea many of us that have begun to feel like we should not be ashamed or hide.  We shouldn’t lie, or protect the feelings of others who would NOT be as reciprocal in their intentions.  We do not try to make excuses or use what we have as a crutch.  Simply, we deal with this every moment of every day.  Sleeping or awake we never escape.  You can handle it for a little bit a time thank you!  If you would like to ask a question, or have a chat, cool.  Just remember we are people.  Plural.  More kids than you would think.  So if you get a response that sounds like a six year old is talking to you, that is most likely the case.  I guess the point here is, don’t be a dick about things.

The more we are aware and begin to now identify when and how we change, the more we are able to then take advantage of the “handoff”.  This is more times than not available to us.  When we change, we have a brief moment of Coconsciousness, that allows us to process and communicate a bit.  We can try to get a grip on the moment before we have been thrown to the wolves.  This is critical now that we know about it.  We are learning to sense the changes, when we can, and mono;oize the handoff.  This however still does not apply in highly stressful situations.  We are straight up adrenaline driven here still.  Remember, highly stressful to you, is not always the same as what is stressful to us.  KEY POINT!!!

Since we were the ones who did NOT start writing this piece, we notices that no one has spoken about triggers.  Yes, if you want to see some drastic changes, learn ours and try.  Triggers are just what they say.  They send us into a change, body memory, into the twilight zone!  These could be anything from a smell, a toy, an action or event that would seem otherwise innocuous to most.  It could simply be the time of day!  We have one of those, ask our family its not fun!  There are some common triggers, here is the cliff notes:

  • Sudden Loud Noises, IE Doors Slamming, or just closing loudly
  • Strong Aftershaves seem to be
  • Crying Babies
  • Children being publicly berated or physically punished
  • Most things Sexual
  • Bathrooms
  • Closed Rooms, Spaces. Looks like claustrophobia but not full time.

This is a short list.  However the probabilities are endless.  The world around us as we perceive it is usually quite different that most others perceptions.  As with most perception can be reality.  Imagine having the fears of fourteen people all hit you at once in a horror movie.  Intense huh?  Now turn that into an every day, most times state of living.  How would that change you as a small child to adult?  Food for thought.

So, the next time you are sitting there and something startles you, or makes you feel so afraid or worried you sweat right through your clothes, put that into a daily, hourly, sometimes never ending moment; Then ask yourself what would you do to make it stop.  What are the lengths you would reach, high or low, to escape torture, rape, sodomy, being rented out, or even just to make the beatings stop?  What would you do after they stopped?  How would you then deal with the world around you?  Please let me know, we need to try it.

Empower Your Serenity

More often than not, we all, this includes you too,  tend to dwell and toil in the negative or less than serene fragments of our lives.  We stress and fret, and force ourselves to run the “hamster wheel” every day.  Why?  I am not sure.  Please send me an email telling me this so that I can retire early in the style I’ve been unaccustomed to!  However, we as people tend to put upon ourselves this enormous amount of pressure and unrealistic expectations.  We try to generate a life around us that imitates what we have been lead to believe will make us “happy”.  We struggle to grasp the most basic, and primal instincts, we fight being human and we have lost our humanity.

Why do we feel the need to always have more?  Why is it when most folks make more “money”, and I use that term loosely,  that they actually accumulate less in savings, compound their anxiety and stress, and slide undoubtedly into this vicious catch 22 that makes us repeat the same behaviors again?  Why do we feel the need to continuously seek wealth and riches to lessen our stresses?  We have to come to remember one thing… If we allow the quest of cash to control our existence we have now become a slave to another master by our own choosing.  We are giving up time with our families,  losing pieces of our soul, trading it for the power to have the things were told will make us happy.  The sad thing about all this, we believe it.

The futile search for happiness and security through the ingestion of propaganda and lies is nothing new.  We have been fed these ideas since the dawn of time I imagine.  In somewhat recent history, say the last 3000 years or so, the quest for happiness was a journey made through service to the church.  WOW.  I am going to be happy for eternity because I serve something completely intangible and unquestionable by its very design.  Have you ever asked yourself why intelligent life forms would fall for such deceptions?  Because were afraid fo the unknown, we will journey to the insane just to make ourselves less afraid of whats to come, death.  Death comes, to us all.  OK, once we accept that as a truth, then we can get on with the rest of things.

We as humans, members fo the global community of man WANT to be deceived.  The majority of people in modern times have been brow beaten by the ruling class into belief that we need to serve them.  We need to trust them.  Our running class sets the  standard for us all don’t they?  So we strive to please, serve, and have a much needed sense of community.  We become the very thing that contradicts the truth meaning of freedom; We lose our individualisim.  This is the desired effect.  We fall for it.  The quest for things, means a quest for “money”, and most will sacrifice their families first to attain what they believe will make them happy.  All we are truly doing is enslaving those who wish to keep us in this state of chaos.  Chaos is the smokescreen for which anything can be hidden.

So, for all my ramblings, how does any of this relate to making your own happiness? Good question, lets explore this.  Lets look at a couple fo things.  A great man once said, “The degree of civilisation in a society is revealed by entering its prisons.” –Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  If you look in the prisons today, especially in civilized western cultures, you will find more violence, drugs, and crime, than you would in the streets.  We all know this.  This is not a newsflash, yet we actually perpetuate this through indirect policies and actions made by our leaders to perpetuate the agenda.  Most people end up in the justice system, at least in the western world,  under different circumstances.  Most would call these circumstances “choices”, however the truth is they are simply following the path laid out for them.  Victims, not perpetrators in most cases.  The truly ironic here?  In most cases, even in the harshest of prisons, most inmates will begin to look inside themselves, and actually find it.  The methods vary, however the reasons for this enlightenment are loosely the same.   They have limited need for monetary gains.  In most cases inmates work, earn, and live without regard to their material surroundings.  Small pleasures become large, minute changes in behavior can become profound, and therefore can be built upon.  This is the true nature fo rehabilitation.  This is not punishment.  Today we have deteriorated into a state of punishment.  The bringing  of retribution to those who cannot afford to defend themselves to perpetuate a monetary machine. Incarceration is now used in civilized countries as an oppressive threat machine, to those who cannot afford to buy their way out.

So, why is it that people on death row can be serene?  They have accepted their life, and make the most of the humanity they have.  WOW.  We spend more “money” housing and caring for those we say are the worst in our society, and then rehabilitate them!  Why?   That, is  an easy one.  The longer they sit in prison, the more publicity for the threat machine is created.  Thats really it isn’t it.  The threat of death, the threat of losing this “perceived” freedom and liberty we all pursue.  Remember it says that all men shall have the right to the pursuit of happiness and liberty, not actually have it!  Once we realize that we CAN be in control of our lives; Once we learn how our decisions can be our own, we can all simply take the power back and own it.  But that is really the key here!  you can only own YOUR power.  The quest to have power over others is evil on its own.  To have control over another living thing os to take their life into yours.  You give your control to those you seek to emulate, and slave to serve.

What does ti mean to own your power?  Simple. This is a simple, yet not, plan that I will detail here. You DO NOT have to pay, call a 900 number, read a book, or even leave your home.  You DO, need to accept accountability for YOUR life.  YOU have to be personally responsible for your decisions.  You have to own your own death, today!  This does not mean suicide, so stop that!  This simply means that no matter what happens to you from this point on, you HAVE a say in it!  You can own every part of your happiness starting today!  Right Now!

The key to controlling your happiness is simple:  Once you realize that you are a complex multi faceted, intelligent creature, you can make your own choices.  That is it.  Making choices for YOU!  What does that mean?  you do not have to own anyone else’s choices, unless you Gove them that power.  You have to realize that to someone.  This can be accompilshed many ways, and in our society is almost fundamental  today.  However, you can take control over much more than you allow yourself to!  You do not have to be driven by outside forces  to attain things you don’t need.  You don’t have to believe you are less because you have less”money”.  You don’t have to measure your Wirth against anyone else.  Why do we have to monetize everything we touch?   I really feel this is core at the issue.  We have allowed our leaders, out of the ingrained desire to serve, to lead us into invisible bondage and hardened captivity.  The prisons are full of people whom,  will tell you, they can be happier incarcerated than free.  Why you ask?  incarceration is an honest prison.

As we have lived most of our life, in a prison so constricting and suffocating, we actually became “We”.  The thought of taking control and allowing ourselves to be happy is downright frightening.  Fear os the desired effect of our society.  The more the populace fears, the more the populace runs to the rulers for safety.  This dynamic is played out daily on the family level.  We call it abuse.  The use fo fear to control spouses, children and other family members.  Why is its we need fear to govern, even the smallest group like our own families?  Why would you WANT to make those you love, fear your wrath?  Why can’t we become humans again and govern with respect, dignity and love?  I seem to remember somewhere ” you catch more flies…..”  Do we not all learn somewhere that to be good, is to be kind?  Do we not buy or conscience,  through completely impersonal “Charitable” givings?  We never engage those that have not evolved to our level of “accomplishment” directly.  We choose not to engage with any or most humans not in our comfort zone.  We segregate ourselves again based not on cultural differences, geography, pr even languages.  We segregate based on socio-economic status.  Wow, we allow someone else happiness to determine our own.  We slave to serve them , so we can be given enough power, one “dollar”,  at a time.  We don’t even receive anything worth value.  Slips of paper, or nowadays, just a number on a screen.  We don’t even get paid a check any more.  Our entire lives reduced to a number in cyberspace somewhere.  Wow.  We judge each other and ourselves using a moniker that isn’t even tangible.  This very concept is the  root of it all.  We have become so used to being slaves, trying to escape the black hole fo existence, we have lost ourselves, and the only thing that’s really worth anything, our legacy.  We are now sacrificing our families as well as ourselves.  When we lose that connection to our family, we are truly lost.

 

When you grasp YOUR power.  When you learn to control YOUR power.  When you realize you not only have the choice to own your life, instead of trading it off to the highest bidder, you then can truly be happy.  We all need to open our eyes and remember that it is not a country, a government, a priest or any other person that commands control, you can begin to see the truth: We are a singular human kind.  We are only controlled by those we give the power to.  We can live today.  Tomorrow is never a certainty.  We need to start changing our lives today, first with ourselves and our loved ones.  The truth of love is unconditional acceptance.  If we can begin to accept ourselves as we are, we will begin to thrive an individual.  This transcends into the family, and then on and on through time.  We will become more than we are, taking our energy to new levels trough time.  As we teach this to our children then they pass it on, as we do the teachings of violence and oppression that are so popular today.

So, in conclusion, take control of your perceptions of what your life should, put your family first by teaching them that being better is more about being good and kind, than being rich and famous.  Strive every day to work harder at these principles, and YOU WILL SUCCEED.  You will surpass everyone you know in all things, when you can learn how to truly be in control.  You will be the master of your destiny, future, and even the way you deal with the issues of the past.  You will make YOUR choices.

We will begin to examine how the choices we make as humans can effect others somehat unpercieved,  in future postings.  we belive that we truly are a global community, and that we should take our humanity seriously.  To do disregard it is silly.  The cause and effect of monatized decions in our world has contributed to our current police state.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Be or Not Boundary!

To be honest, I know the title is crap, but I was at a loss and wanted to get past that point to get this down.

Boundaries, something everyone at one time or another finds themselves in conflict or having issues with.  This can ben the form of their own boundaries, or issues that arise out fo the boundaries others have or haven’t well established.  As a plural person, our sense of boundaries can be quite well defined at tines, and then again completely obscure to a frighteningly non-existent.  This is why the majority of professionals, after establishing safety, will begin to introduce people to “Healthy Boundaries”.  I use quotations here as we have no idea what this truly means ourselves.

For those of us that are among, what we believe to be the majority, you have some struggle with being able to balance having limits and boundaries, with being politically correct or “polite”, we get lost in our own conflict.   If you add traumatic events, or environments that are riddled with negativity, instability, abuse, and other assorted bad things; you get an assortment of disorders.  At the heart of many issue fo those with mental illness is boundaries.  This is so uncomfortable, and redundant to most people e that have ever been to therapy JUST ONE TIME, that we tend to tune to out.  You can’t preach to someone that doesn’t comprehend the vocabulary!  You cannot empower healing when your client cannot grasp even the remotest idea, of what you are so eloquently saying.

Now, to the really exciting bits of the story!  Yes I know, were using poor structure, were crazy, we can get away with it!  LOL!   Our theory is this: Boundaries are not barriers at all.  Boundaries should be re-classified as “Points of Empowerment”. These POI’s, as we will refer to them now, are exactly that!  These are opportunities in your own timeline to become empowered and take control of your life!  This is epic!  When you are trying to get through to a trauma victim, giving them tools to take charge of their life, empower them, give them a choice, you have now communicated.  You are through the walls, the distrust.   You got us.  Otherwise we just see more people telling us what to do.  How to wall ourselves out and isolate.  Now, with POI’s, we have the power to choose how we want to deal with the outside world!  We do not HAVE to accept anything!  We DO NOT have to hide or be ashamed!  We are ALL people and deserve to be not only what but who we truly are.  Why should the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness be restricted to people that have never been traumatized?  Why should victims be victimized over and over again?  Just like the cruel children we went to school with,  every day was a new hell for us.  We did not know why, we just lived it.  We were not safe at home.  We were not safe at school.  Where were we to be safe?  The places a Childs mind can go to feel safe,  will absolutely amaze you.

Back to our POI”s.  Once you give us the ability to choose, we are free.  As someone whom has suffered with mental illness for well about, forever!  I can honestly say that for all the people that say they don’t judge, they do.  Let us be honest here.  We know were crazy, most of us do.  We do not want to be mocked or harassed.  The shame of this drives most of us behind the “Boundary”, and into our homes, heads, and some succumb to suicide.  For some of us the hell is too great to shoulder for very long.  Once we can all see the freedom we will continue the journey outward and onward.

We were in a situation this morning that aroused all the flowing dribble you may be reading now.  We had someone that said they don’t judge, blah blah abhor, and they understood.  You get the idea,  I am sure that most of you have heard this before.  A friend a family member, your sisters boyfriends aunties mommas baby cousins friend had it!  Well we put the theory to the test today.  We had someone that was being quite an asshole to the core, who was out at the time.  We proceeded to change straight in front of him, over coffee.  To say he reacted was an understatement.  Willing to walk away from a major money deal.  Turned white as a ghost!  Again, we have known this guy for years and we still got this.  So, the moral to the story?  We stood our ground and told him if he wants to bail that was fine.  We were the best at what we do and. “If he didn’t like us his competition would gladly hire our firm.”    IT FELT AWESOME!!!  I haven’t felt this alive in years!!!!!  Im ready to get busy now!!  We stood up fo our selves in the face of sheer ignorance and fear!  We come out on top with everything desired and them some.  This was a significant victory in our journey back to the “real” world.

I hope that this experience will inspire others to seek empowerment through the simple choices we can all make.   The choices may be simple, but the ability to have the belief in yourself to stick to them is usually what gets us all in trouble.  We have insecurities and baggage, which when combined again with trauma, equals us, crazy person(s).  The inspiration we have gotten from this seemingly small event, is overflowing.  I want everyone to know, out there too, that: “The barricades built by the abusers are never secure”. The abusers get their power from eh secret.  The secret is what drives them.  The power they have over you and the secret they contain is the fuel for their continued abuse.  We take the power back when we put OUR needs FIRST AND CENTER.   Self Confidence is a NEED.  Power and control over our own body should be ABSOLUTE. The ability to become empowered is not a privilege, or a law, its a basic, fundamental right to every living creature on earth.  We deserve to be safe from day #1 !!

If you find yourself always trying to think of others first, as we were taught, STOP!  You MUST take time for YOU!  The more of you the more time!  That is the way we look at it!   When you truly love and care about your family and friends, you HAVE to care about you first.  THATS OK!   This is how healthy people stay healthy!  YES, other props eco this and they’re not rude!  There not bad people!  Just because we need or ask for something, doesn’t make us a burden!  Just because were not perfect, doesn’t make us something to be ashamed of!  Jut because we do not fit into the mold of the masses, just means were custom made.

We have been diagnosed this time for about a year with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  We have a significant other and many daughters.   We are slowly learning that just because we were victimized once, does not mean we are for life.  Coming to grips with any sever disorder is hell on any family, ours was no exception.  Neither were the previous families.  Your lack of  boundaries, and inability to maintain anything more than a short mite lead to today.  We now have a sense of empowerment in small degrees, divided by fourteen.  If you ever feel like your not safe, or like your being shamed, speak out.  They probably won’t listen the first time.  Maybe not even the second!  Keep shouting, surviving, and fighting till your safe.  YOU CAN DO IT!  Never let anyone judge you fro the things you have done to survive.  They aren’t in your shoes, nor would they ever truly want to be.  Be Safe, Run, Fight!  SURVIVE AND BE EMPOWERED AT EVERY BOUNDARY!!!!!

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