From Our Perspective. Yes I am Crazy.

Every time I google DID, and thats a lot by the way, I always come up with the same verbiage and blah blah blah.  For the afflicted, this is very daunting.  We are isolationists, very mistrusting, if at all, and yet we are asked to believe that we have one of the rarest things on the planet, and that we have no idea that we do.  Most of us have suffered through life, barely hanging on to a thread of what we think is a life.  Trying desperately to make it a few months longer than last time before you had to move, or otherwise reboot your life.  Thats it.  For whatever the reason you get scared, and then the crazy starts to come out and whoosh, its all a blank.  New thing you know its an unpleasant or unfamiliar situation.  Funny thing, this unfamiliarity your now in, becomes the sought after safe zone.  The very thing that has helped to so completely shatter us into pieces is one fo the things we now crave for safety.

The very notion that we are crazy is not a foreign, or even a new one.  We have at least, in our experience, have had many encounters with mental health professionals, school shrinks, law enforcement mental health, hospitals, etc.  You get the picture.  You would think that after all that someone would come up with something…right??!!  Uhhh, NO!  The very fact we had every diagnosis under the sunned that medication never worked on anything, RED FLAG.  Just telling you now.

SO here we are in the end of yet another cycle that involves children, lawyers and a great deal of money that we can make but oh shit try managing that shit.  Thats what killed us, we could make loads, and manage a thimble full.  This we worked, when we worked, our asses off.  This too becomes an issue when you lose days and weeks of time.  You learn to adapt.  This must be how everyone lives.  Were just lazy, or stupid because we cannot remember the things people say were doing.  Sometimes when we dream, we see things that seem real, but we really don’t remember.  Like frames from a movie, just glimpses.  So we learned, to blend, adapt, and run at a moments notice.  To give up everything to keep the secret we didn’t know we were keeping.

I wanted to write this today to all of us that suffer with DID.  The DID does not cause us the suffering we seem to bear.  Our suffering is rooted in the treatment that we receive from the world around us.   The medications they use to make us more manageable, to the fear placed from a Hollywood film indicating were all killers.  WOW, what happened to human kindness?  We have never really believed in it, so realizing its all bullshit is more of a shock to the rest of you than us.  Welcome to reality.

We had the issue of really fighting this.  We couldn’t believe we had this.  Were we making this up for attention?  There was no way we could have had this and not known. We were simply being what they always said, a drama queen.  Having been accused as far back as we can remember of being “dramatic”, and lying about the things we did, it seemed logical we were still.  This is not something we wanted to admit, but the other choice seemed so damn unrealistic.  Couldn’t be.

Dissociative Identity Disorder, as it is now referred to; is a perfect storm of heinous shit and mental creativity combined with the right amount of smarts.  In other words, its not a maybe or could have.  If you have this you had some really bad shit happen to you.  You WERE raped, beaten, tortured, locked up, tormented, shamed, etc.  Not just once or twice.  This went on for a long ass time.  How could any moan allow himself to be these things?  He would have to be some kind of pussy…wouldn’t he?  I mean to then block all tis out???  This couldn’t be us.

We began to take all of the online self tests.  Every one we could find.  They all came out pretty much the same, like really high scores.  We figured we must be bending th results for the m to be that high.   We decided to answer completely and rudely honest.  Confessional honest.  So we did.  The results were higher.  So we began taking the tests, when we were in our different “moods”.  Ok so now the results while different for different markers, were all still coming back high.  We even had one test tell us, “YOU HAVE DID.  CONSULT A PSYCHIATRIST IMMEDIATELY”. Wow, ok, but still even then we didnt believe.  We had been seeing a therapist that now specializes in Trauma for several months.  She was the one that laid the news on us.  Weird thing, reading back in our journals, we had been writing as different people for over two years.

So, here we are diagnosed, quite definitively, and still arguing this in our own heads!.  Listen to that, we were arguing between ourselves that we didn’t have Multiple Personalities.  LOL. I know, looking back I need a lot fo help!  So now as nearly a year has passed, since we found out.  We are functioning maybe not better, but without as much fear.  We try to live free of our fears, some are better than others at it.   We have entered a self imposed state of isolation for the most part.  That is ok now, we know that.  We need to unravel.  We need to find or at least look for the truth.  The real truth, not the one we were told as children.  We need to learn what possessed someones parents who supposedly loved and doted on him to allow and participate in this destruction of a Childs life.  Our life.

So if you have read this far, you are either struggling with your own selves.  Maybe you are a spouse or loved one fo someone like us, or just a curious co-worker.  Thank you for trying to learn rather than just call us crazy.  We are crazy, we don’t need you to tell us that.  We don’t want people to make special fuss over us, or treat us special.  We just want to be whatever it is we were meant to be.  Most of us will never know what that is.  Most of us will pass in to nothing never knowing anything about who we are or what we are meant to be.  However we can learn to accept what we have become.  We have become survivors of most anything.  Nothing to be fearful of there right?  You haven’t paid attention, we are fearful of ourselves.  How can you not fear everything when you want hurt yourself to feel better.

Our Wife and Her Husbands

If you are a reader then thank you!, if this be your first read; Hold on and throw your sense of normal out the window.

 

Much has been made in our household as of late, about the idea of cheating on your spouse.  I must agree that when one takes an oath, vow, or publicly swears his word to anything, he is bound.  This is not meant in a negative connotation.  There are many benefits to a monogamous relationship of any kind.  However, there are still many cultures that believe that monogamy is the foundation for the collapse of civilization.  Wow, talk about both ends of the spectrum here!  How does this relate to our friend DID you ask!!??  Thank about it, how many relationships can 13 people have? And there you have it.

Tammy and Kevin met several times throughout the period of reconstruction we were in.  Reconstruction, the act of resetting, rebooting, or otherwise starting ones life all over again from a recent run.  This was one of these times.

Tammy was to be the last in a line of relationships that would ultimately be the turning point in our existence.  She was a cashier at  the small family owned market, near the gates to our community.  She had Farrah Fawcet hair, low cut blouses, and a beautiful smile and smart ass attitude to boot!  We flirted with her and of course all of her co-workers, Pat has an ethnic fetish…another time!  Tammy was undoubtedly a different type that we were used to dating, but hey!  What could it hurt, and she was a smart ass!

Even though we tell it wrong all the time, we remember well.  Tammy and I went to a shitty restaurant in Mt Pleasant, and we spoke all the time.  By we I mean the “WE” in our head, not the we of Tammy and I.  Just want to make sure everyone is on the same page here.

Out of respect to Tammy, I will leave out all the sordid details, but to say the least she was quite taken with us.  Pat lated down his usual bullshit, and she bought it pretty hard!  She was so sweet.  You could tell she liked us.  She would always look her best around us or when she would come by.   She would fix our plumbing issues and even try to cook.  She was really cool and we liked it a lot.  LOL. What can I say, scratch me and feed me and were yours!

We dated a while, and next thing you know I was asking her to marry us.  We didn’t even know at that point that we were all “US”.  This is part of the process, you pack it away as to keep us focused, at least in the right general direction, we hope.  When she agreed to marry us it was both scary and exhilarating.  It was the first time that we all agreed on one woman.  It was the first time we ever asked anyone to marry us without there being an outward motivating factor.  It was also the only time we married anyone.

Tammy has tolerated a lot, now she has the added torment/benefit of having a husband, boyfriend, and FWB, all in the same handy accessible body.  She also has others, mostly kiddos, to deal with that aren’t quite as much fun to deal with.  SO, here is the debacle for us: Kevin Married Tammy, Tammy doesn’t realize Kevin is well, a group effort!  So then we have her having an affair with Larry, and actually finding him her favorite!  Cant help but love Kevin, who is the heart, and has the flings with Pat, the man-whore wannabe porn-star and alcoholic mostly.  Can you see the dilemma??!!

Now, lets take this a step further, They are now aware of each other, and are even more jealous than they were before.  Before they KNEW she was cheating.  They were right!, or were they????  This is as confusing for the parties involved as it is anyone that dare read this far into the dairy of a Madmen!  Lets see who gets that one, message me if you do for a bug surprise!.

So, now we have Kevi, trying to keep the peace and not be upset by any of this.  Larry who doesn’t care to keep the peace for shit who is secretly jealous of everyone, and doesn’t trust anything.  Pat, the ever predictable pat, who isn’t jealous, but doesn’t care if he stirs the pit for his own viewing pleasure.   See where we are here???!!!  And you think your teenage daughters new boyfriend is bad because he has a tattoo and a piercing!!  Sweethearts, you haven’t even began to understand our pain here!  And we are raising a HOUSEFUL of GIRLS, 5!!!  AND NO BOYS!!!!!  God hates me!!

Writing this is part of us trying to deal with this very issue as a group.  Its not easy letting your buddy bang your wife because you know she likes you better.  but at least he is starting to get it.  Its not easy for me knowing she thinks I am an asshole narcissistic prick when I am the best thing that s ever happened to her!  Its ok, were working it out.  It is a difficult position though.  We all have feelings and opinions, then lets not forget the little ones.  This is becoming more of an issue since the tension in the house is high at the moment.

We will keep you updated as we progress on this…..L

My First Memory……

As this journey progresses, we will visit items and places both fond and frightening to us.  You will experience not only the feelings of the “front”,  but the balance of our pieces as well.  This can be a daunting task for those who think in two or even three dimensions.  Take yourself outside your body, your world, everything you THOUGHT you knew to be true and real.  Now, are all of your life that was based on those things you grew up learning, based your life on even if unconsciously, and learn that it was ll a lie!  Take that times a dozen, and put all fo it in the mixer at the same time.  Thats what we hear, feel and see all the time.  Enter the conflict at its purest.

Eugene Douglas Painter, was at best an evil….creature.  He stood 6’1″ tall and was a beefy 250#.  He was the product of many things we will delve into later.  He was bad.  Lets leave it at that for now.

We were about 5 years old, maybe less.  We lived on Vitoria Mountain, Cross Lanes, Charleston, West Virginia.  We had a small house on the side of the mountain that was literally, sliding down slowly each year.  Mom was selling Avon, or whatever crazy idea she had that month.  Sometimes she read Tarot Cards, others she well…  She was mom.  Dad was working for the State, and worked a lot.  I think the favorite thing about my childhood was the fact I learned to ride and love everything horse.  This in part to my Aunt and Cousins who made sure I was afflicted at an early age.  Thank you.

We were to clean our room as was the custom.  We spent a lot of time in our room when he was home.  We were the sort of boy that seemed to always get into trouble for various things.  Nothing terribly bad we thought, but nonetheless trouble.  Gene, being the authoritarian, made sure that we knew when we did not follow directions, or otherwise deviated from the things we were meant to do.  His punishments were swift in coming, long in duration and involved multiple stages of shame and pain.

We remember stand-in int he doorway of our room, being scolded for it not being cleaned as he wanted.  He had been working in our bathroom, we only had the one, and having a time of it.  When we were done with the beating for our room not being cleaned we were told to go out to the barn.  Gene came out to the barn, and wanted to make sure we did not for get the beating he just put on us, so he came with the shotgun.

As we got to the barn, he told me to watch as he constantly berated me; ” You dumb ass kid!, your nothing more than another whores bastard!, your mother and I wouldn’t have any issues if it weren’t for you!”.  These were not the last times we heard these words, hardly.   As we stood there crying, watching him spit on us as. he yelled and pointed the gun at my pony.  My little black and white Shetland pony.   I refused to look as he went to pull the trigger, the reminder of my room not being clean fast enough.  He threatened my life if I did not look!  So we tried to watch as he killed my pony.  The gun going off not 15 feet from me as my pony lay twitching on the ground.  I looked away at the last second, feeling my pony dying, slowly.  I thought he may have seen me as he grabbed my head and forced it within inches of the writhing pony as she suffered into peace.  I thought he saw us look away, I was sure he would kill us!  We cried, and he hit us more for that.  We then went to finish cleaning our room.

We have speculated for years as to why he would hate us so.  It wasn’t until the body’s 46th year that some light was shined into this, travesty of all time.  We always knew that Gene was an abusive bastard!  One for the ages!  It wasn’t till at this late juncture we found the nut did not fall far from the preverbal tree.  The root cause of it all……..

 

Trying To Realize The Truth Of It All….

 

I realize that we haven’t posted in some time.  Honestly we have been in a really bad depression.  I am pretty sure most of us have been.  Anyways, if you are reading this now, we thank you sincerely and apologize for the absence.

We have been in an incredible journey.  We feel like we are beginning a totally new life, a rebirth so to speak without being too corny!  The feelings and emotions that we are experiencing are new to us.  There are many things we are familiar with, however there are several new concepts that the journey is not so much introducing; but defining.

We have begun to co-mingle our thoughts and memories.  This past weekend, we were in our “happy place, I mean REALLY in our happy place!, and we began to feel something totally foreign to us,  calm.  At first we thought it was just that we were in a happy state!  However this thing happened, this really cool and yet frighteningly welcome thing!  We were able to communicate clearly with Kevin, Pat and start to hear clearly the others.  This is a cool thing.  We were able to share some things that before we suspects, but never knew.  Things that were “kept in the family”.

For us, this is a breakthrough; as we are constantly battling with a sense of identity, purpose and shame.  We even question the idea of “we”!!  It wasn’t till we started to learn that the things we were shown and taught as young humans, was inherently and fundamentally evil.  Evil is the word used by the practitioners that have seen us.   We didn’t realize for years; yet we always knew.   Even as we fight our “US”, we have always known.  Mother was like us.  Father was just a bastard.   Gene, had two crazy in the house, Mom, and us.  his solution was simple: 1. Scare the hell out of them,  2. Beat Them into submission, and  3. Use shame, guilt and emotional blackmail to control what the beatings doesn’t.  If all else fails, he would make a “man” out of you!  You id not want one of those sessions!  Trust me on this!

When we first started to question the things that had happened to us, the body was in the 40’s.  We had always just focused on today, sometimes just the moment.  Trying to make sure we could be as safe as we could be from one day to the next.  We didn’t really know why our life was like reading a short story, over and over again.  We didn’t understand why other people could be around there people, without fear or loathing.  We didn’t know how other people could feel safe.  period.

My job in the system as we have now found, is the job of shelter, food and essentials.  Yes, we are good at this.  We have had a lots of practice!  Trying to keep up with the day to day of monitoring everything, as well as all of US!  Its enough to wear you out!  We first ran away from home at 6 years old, and many times after that.  Never managing to stay gone long.  We never knew people.  We moved all the time.  In the most true statement I have ever heard in my life,

“We Lived Like Gypsies, Kevin”

-Ashley J Painter

We learned to survive.  It is only now at this late juncture in our life that we can start to see how we had to live from childhood till today.  The alcoholic as the luxury of one day at a time; We make it form one situation to the next.  Time has no meaning here.  Moments can last lifetimes and lifetimes can be moments.

I am riding in a bus with many others.  Trying to get off at the right stop, but we never stop.  We make choices based on beliefs and teachings which at their root, were poison.  So how its it when we never want to hurt anyone, we hurt everyone.  At our most primitive and original self we are good, but the bus never stops and keep rolling over the rest of those in the path.

There was time when we were young, a boy; we vaguely remember what it was like to be, not happy, but unafraid.  This is more of a dream, a daydream…………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sanity of Madness

Good Day everyone!   We have been gone for a bit.  Things have been very rocky the last few weeks since Gene passed.  The alter reunion tour has been charging on whether they  needed to or not!  We hae been learning a lot about not only ourselves, but our current IRL family.  More importantly how the alters reactions to my feelings are causing issues in the family I love more than anything, and running them away!

This all started a while back when I got my feelings hurt over a trigger than really had little to do with Kerry Shae, My oldest girl, and best friend.  It really wasnt anything malicious that she did that caused  the reactions that happened, which BTW all three of the protectors came out and proceeded to raise nine kinds of hell.  THis isn’t the worst part,  we were in such crisis mode we were changing so much that I, Kevin, would give Kerry her car and stuff back after the alters had taken it, and this happened three times in a day, not to mention the fact they threw her out and used words I wont dare repeat.  All this to a 23-year-old girl whom I love more than life.  Now we have to pick up the pieces.  We also just found out there is a chance she could have Liver disease or Cancer!  She has the tests next week!  Shes out of the house, living in the hood on foot and broke, stubborn as hell!!  Just like me once.  I did the same shit!  Almost exactly!

yesterday WE all went to therapy with Becky, Trauma Therapist.  We learned a lot!  We learned that I have to try to feel what its like to have hurt feelings, feel stress and pain.  I never do, Kevin never does, he runs and hides and we take the punishment.  We also found out that our, the alters, react completely wrong to almost every emotionally charged situation we enter.  How could we possibly know how to interact and manage a family when the only example we know is our own…scary though huh..  Becky out it like this.  I am accidentally allowing the alters to relive the trauma, which in turn is causing my family to suffer and feel the same way we did, and we ran.  It was alight bulb going off.  We never touched or hurt our kids, but we bullied them, or tried to, into not leaving!!  I see now that was totally the wong approach.  The alters were only trying to keep kerry at home but the gift ro flight instinct was so bad they fought, then ran.  Lets face it, there is no such thing as a nice fight and they weren’t nice, they were scared for us.  In turn their actions caused more damage than good inadvertently.  We see this now.

What is the sanity in the Madness?  Simply out it’s this;  The ability to see things from another perspective and dimensional view due to the way our brain has miraculously kept us alive and well all these years!  We have actually utilized more of our brain than the neurotypical person.  PET scans have shown as well as functional MRI, that DID folks use more area in the brain by far than others!  What were not insane…What if were really gifted?  This is our perspective on this!  We have instead of suicide, or conceding defeat, we found a way to fight it all back and continue on!  To me, THATS AMAZING!  That is definitely the stronger mind in our opinion!

To us the struggle with the DID diagnosis has been profound and lengthy.  We always has issues that made no sense.  We always had serious memory issues, social problems, family crisis 24/7, substances, mental health, physical health, you name it!  Yet we were always considered a genius at times, and others below average or worse.  We were all over the page.  We went from taking High School math and Foreign language classes as well as College level courses in the third grade to failing almost every class we took every year.  Go figure???  The things we were accused of  were horrible, and we really had no idea they were true!  We were a shy  and timid boy most times, we got picked on a lot at times.  At other times we were the life of the party, in a band, man whore, etc, and even then we were the depressed kid who cut and hated life.  I never made sense. We were even diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s by a neurologist, DR Brown, in Odessa!  WTF?!?!?!?  All this time we had been told before, but I couldn’t remember.  We moved all the time.  We were always hiding who we were even though we didn’t know what that is.  Were still learning too!

Folks that see and feel things differently than the majority are often stereotyped, labeled and filed away.  THey want to pump us full of drugs not for us, but for them!  To make us act and feel the way they want us too!  The ability to feel is what makes u human!  We feel much more because there are so many of us!  We all feel differently, interpret differently and even react differently.  However we can all feel the same fears.  Thats the shit about it.  Even though we don’t all share the same memories, we do feel the fear another one does.  Kinda like Blade, he still had the thirst!

Were heading to The Center, in Washington DC.  THis is a trauma facility that specializes in DID.  Were going to try to learn some better skills to get us all working together a little better.  To let us try and see that not everyone is an enemy!  Before we thought it was just a matter of time till someone was going to hurt us.  Now we know, or are trying to believe, that’s not always the case.  that’s a tough one.

We have recently learned that every good memory we ever had been a lie.  Our Grandfather, UG Painter,  was the heart of the biggest and cruelest inter-generational incest story in Charleston, WV.  This was known.  He was a cruel and terrible man, as was our father, and uncle.  What we would like to ask the Cousins, Emil Hopkins, Sonny Hopkins, Karen Lynn Hopkins, and Anna Hopkins, is this:  Why the hell when we told you we needed help, when we cried to you about things, why didn’t you help us since you knew we were being abused the whole time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY!!!????

Now we understand that the years of drama and abuse were simply all of us trying to make it through the crap.  Now that were starting to remember things,  we want to tell the story…all of it, each of us.  We all have our own……..Hang onto your ass.  There are going to be some pissed off people in the world coming soon!

Soon………big kevin.

The Corporations Are Murdering Us All!

How many times do we feel marginalized by those with the money and power? Did you know that the majority, actually over 90% of the wealth in the United Stars, and the world actually, is controlled by one family? Before you laugh and quit reading this conspiracy theory crap, WAIT ONE BIT! Listen to how your life can be yours without trying! Take charge of your health, your children’s health and outlive your juniors! Why all this hype? The connection is more than tenuous between Bod Corporate and Healthcare. This is no accident. This is good business!

Ok, so you all think I am crazy! We will address this later. So let me give you the cliff notes here and we will look further into it as we go. The number one market and associated verticals is without a doubt the healthcare markets. The options are absolutely endless. The associated verticals are also exploding with the latest 20 year studies now coming to conclusion. Simple. We’re sick and getting exponentially worse by the day. That’s not theory. That’s cold ass statistics. I had a professor once who was a degenerate gambling junkie. He always said one thing was certain. Statistics. They were the mathematical record of history. And as we all know, mathematicians are pretty smart and very accurate. He was a history professor. This is why as we know we study history, to predict the future. Same reason we have statistics. We are all a statistic on-a corporate scorecard. Moved around as pawns. Serving the kings. How do they keep,us in check you ask? If we are the 90% numbers themselves should dictate we would be the ruling class. Think again.

Let’s examine the facts. The ruling classes represent less than one percent of the populations. They hold over ninety percent of the wealth. Not just money but wealth. Resources, indigenous to the land are now a number on a bank statement. Just as the minerals, the people too are a resource, just as cattle or corn. Other than labor, what resource could people be? How do the ruling class recover more of their money from us? How do they initiate such control that we don’t fight, even in the face of such overwhelming odds in our favor? Simple. They’ve been poisoning us for years. The food. They poison the food, which in turn makes us ill. We then turn to the same companies that poisoned our food for the cure. You bet they have it too! They get more money back by treating your diseases they caused with more chemicals that will require you to ingest even more chemicals. All this to get the money back into the ruling class. They have also figured out we’re cheaper when we’re younger. So we die younger. Get sick younger, get dependent younger, stay just over broke feeding the insurance. Companies, that feed the doctors that get fed by the big pharma groups that get fed by the beef council, dairy council, and other groups that are all governed by the ruling class. Keeping you sick, paying out, and under control. Ever wonder why they don’t get diabetes at 21 or no matter what the eat they look great??? The food.

WERE FACTORY RAISING ALL MEATS, MOST COMMODITIES, FISH AND YEA, HUMANS!

Tune in tomorrow when we will look at in detail the link between food and disease.

Brian.

So, I have another son I didn’t know about. Who died. Didn’t know that either.

So, We didn’t know about this till we got home. When we were driving back evidently Jeff was driving, LOL😆😆 if you know Jeff you know what I mean!

Anyways an old friend of mine who is a self professed and practicing lesbian, and us have been chatting lately. She looked us up after 12 years. Yes, I know what your wondering. Yes, we had a one night thing. We were really good friends. What can I say. I’m not apologizing.

When she first turned up Larry’s first response was, “get ready for the reaming we’re about to take for this kid!”

After talking for a week, starting the day we left, she never said a word to us. Then on the drive back she tells us she was pregnant and lost the baby at 22 weeks. WTF??? Why then hell didn’t I know sooner? I could have done anything to help. But we get this driving at 80 stoned as hell out of state and alone.

As you can imagine we have dealt with this heavily. She won’t be doing this to us anymore. Is it just or was it completely inappropriate on so many levels. This would be messed up in every realm of the multiverse and even in a bad Harry Potter remake. Thoughts???? Was I too harsh?? Should we have let Kevin deal with this as it came? Don’t know.  Larry

 

So   If you read above   You know that I have another son claimed by a completely preventable illness that is caused by the food we eat    My son, who died at 22 weeks, was taken because the mother host was suffering from PCOS  an autoimmune disorder that causes cysts on the ovaries    What they don’t tell you is it’s found mainly in overweight women with a highly processed and meat based diet.   Most women who adjust to a plant based diet can not only stop buy reverse the disease    I had a son killed by a neferious disease caused by our own kind and totally reversible    Wow   Kevin

 

Lost in head space…….

So we made it home after the trip. What a trip. I don’t remember seeing it in the cold storage place. I have heard stories though.

I am sorry if you were there that day. That’s all I can say on that.

Moving along, we have never been any kind of artist other than stick figures. Found this on a sketchbook I own. Forst time we’ve ever drawn anything. We’re not artistic at all. Other than food. And then it’s all in who’s cooking!

I will attach it here. All comments welcome as long as they’re not rude. We don’t like rude.

We may have an opportunity to go on the Dr Phil Show. Larry has been busy since he got pissed in Charleston. I don’t know if we should do it. I’m very confused here. I want to confront my cousins who did shit to help us when we were asking. I don’t know. Ugh. Changing a lot lately. Sometimes in minutes. Five and six times a day at one point. Has anyone else ever been through that? I’m missing whole days from the trip.

The Secret is the Power!!!!

As you know we have been dealing with it’s death. Kevin went to see it today and we haven’t felt him since. We found ourselves in front of the cold storage where they’re keeping it.

We have learned the UG was also a cruel and hateful being. What we don’t understand to this day is why Kevin’s cousins are so dead set on keeping the secret? Are they ashamed because they let a little boy get victimized for years? Are they feeling guilty about ignoring his pleas for help? No. The answer is much simpler than that. They were keeping the secret. This makes them as culpable as the things that did it all. Maybe they were involved? Who knows. We don’t have too many memories about these times or people. We learned today he got ahold of the neighbor boys too. Wow. It was an indiscriminate hateful entity.

We have a plan to purge this poison. We’re go8mg to take away the power. We’re going to expose it all. Talk shows, TV, newspapers, and now we know what the book is going to be about. How a. Much of damn heartless inbred hillbillies could wreck a baby boy so bad his mind split into many little pieces. Anyone! I mean anyone who was affiliated, had knowledge of or even just didn’t listen to that boys cries for help. When they knew. They will all be put front and center for the world to see. Maybe we can save just one.

Be put on notice. You know who you are. You thought keeping someone with you or hiding from us would save you and allow you to pull off this travesty. We’re smarter than that. That would accomplish nothing. We know what it’s like to be hurt, beat, berated, humiliated, sodomized, photographed, mocked, and tortured. We would never do that to anyone. We will however bring it all into the light. We have no secrets. Kevin can be open with the world about us. Can you be open with the world about what you have and are doing? We shall see. I told you I was here earlier. You didn’t listen. Kevin is hurt. Now it’s our turn. Hold onto your ass. The storm is coming. PS Bitches. Have a nice damn day! Larry

OH Shit. The truth hit the fan,.,

Well. I am in the land of coal and welfare. It is a beautiful state. But that’s not why we came now is it. So, we were able to see a family member that had answers. Answers that we weren’t expecting or wanting. However answers that were truth.

They say the truth sets you free? It sure is the alters. They have good reason though. The crap we found out today is absolutely horrid. We feel like our entire life was built on a lie. Who the hell are we now?!!!!

I don’t know how to handle this. My mother in law came with me since my brother couldn’t bear to make the trip. Thank for that. I am completely paralyzed now. I want to stay in this hotel room for the next several years till I can wrap my head around this. Telling me we lived on Jupiter would have been easier to believe and digest.

Now for the anger at the still living!! What the hell! Y’all knew about this crap and even when we were telling you, begging you for help you didn’t do anything. When we exhibited every sign of abuse you did nothing. When we tried suicide many times, you did nothing. No one did shit. Now you want to be mad at me because I am angry and I should just get over it? It’s in the past?? Not for me motherfuckets!!! I still see, smell, and feel that shot like it was today. I do every day. I never sleep more than a couple hours in one place. I always sleep on the edge of the bed. I have never had a healthy relationship with ANYONE!! So guess what. FUCK YOU ALL!!! I loved you. You were my family. Thanks for fucking nothing. Jimmy, your not dead yet! I don’t know how you sock fucks can sit there and let a child, my ch less children suffer like this and then join the abusers in blaming everyone Tom the child!!!!! Rope and a tree anyone? How about a tammimmi car park in Khabarovsk and a dull sword on a Friday afternoon. That’s too good for the likes of y’all. Heads up. We’re not done. This will not stay in the closet anymore. Get ready. Larry’s in town bitches!

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