Every time I google DID, and thats a lot by the way, I always come up with the same verbiage and blah blah blah. For the afflicted, this is very daunting. We are isolationists, very mistrusting, if at all, and yet we are asked to believe that we have one of the rarest things on the planet, and that we have no idea that we do. Most of us have suffered through life, barely hanging on to a thread of what we think is a life. Trying desperately to make it a few months longer than last time before you had to move, or otherwise reboot your life. Thats it. For whatever the reason you get scared, and then the crazy starts to come out and whoosh, its all a blank. New thing you know its an unpleasant or unfamiliar situation. Funny thing, this unfamiliarity your now in, becomes the sought after safe zone. The very thing that has helped to so completely shatter us into pieces is one fo the things we now crave for safety.
The very notion that we are crazy is not a foreign, or even a new one. We have at least, in our experience, have had many encounters with mental health professionals, school shrinks, law enforcement mental health, hospitals, etc. You get the picture. You would think that after all that someone would come up with something…right??!! Uhhh, NO! The very fact we had every diagnosis under the sunned that medication never worked on anything, RED FLAG. Just telling you now.
SO here we are in the end of yet another cycle that involves children, lawyers and a great deal of money that we can make but oh shit try managing that shit. Thats what killed us, we could make loads, and manage a thimble full. This we worked, when we worked, our asses off. This too becomes an issue when you lose days and weeks of time. You learn to adapt. This must be how everyone lives. Were just lazy, or stupid because we cannot remember the things people say were doing. Sometimes when we dream, we see things that seem real, but we really don’t remember. Like frames from a movie, just glimpses. So we learned, to blend, adapt, and run at a moments notice. To give up everything to keep the secret we didn’t know we were keeping.
I wanted to write this today to all of us that suffer with DID. The DID does not cause us the suffering we seem to bear. Our suffering is rooted in the treatment that we receive from the world around us. The medications they use to make us more manageable, to the fear placed from a Hollywood film indicating were all killers. WOW, what happened to human kindness? We have never really believed in it, so realizing its all bullshit is more of a shock to the rest of you than us. Welcome to reality.
We had the issue of really fighting this. We couldn’t believe we had this. Were we making this up for attention? There was no way we could have had this and not known. We were simply being what they always said, a drama queen. Having been accused as far back as we can remember of being “dramatic”, and lying about the things we did, it seemed logical we were still. This is not something we wanted to admit, but the other choice seemed so damn unrealistic. Couldn’t be.
Dissociative Identity Disorder, as it is now referred to; is a perfect storm of heinous shit and mental creativity combined with the right amount of smarts. In other words, its not a maybe or could have. If you have this you had some really bad shit happen to you. You WERE raped, beaten, tortured, locked up, tormented, shamed, etc. Not just once or twice. This went on for a long ass time. How could any moan allow himself to be these things? He would have to be some kind of pussy…wouldn’t he? I mean to then block all tis out??? This couldn’t be us.
We began to take all of the online self tests. Every one we could find. They all came out pretty much the same, like really high scores. We figured we must be bending th results for the m to be that high. We decided to answer completely and rudely honest. Confessional honest. So we did. The results were higher. So we began taking the tests, when we were in our different “moods”. Ok so now the results while different for different markers, were all still coming back high. We even had one test tell us, “YOU HAVE DID. CONSULT A PSYCHIATRIST IMMEDIATELY”. Wow, ok, but still even then we didnt believe. We had been seeing a therapist that now specializes in Trauma for several months. She was the one that laid the news on us. Weird thing, reading back in our journals, we had been writing as different people for over two years.
So, here we are diagnosed, quite definitively, and still arguing this in our own heads!. Listen to that, we were arguing between ourselves that we didn’t have Multiple Personalities. LOL. I know, looking back I need a lot fo help! So now as nearly a year has passed, since we found out. We are functioning maybe not better, but without as much fear. We try to live free of our fears, some are better than others at it. We have entered a self imposed state of isolation for the most part. That is ok now, we know that. We need to unravel. We need to find or at least look for the truth. The real truth, not the one we were told as children. We need to learn what possessed someones parents who supposedly loved and doted on him to allow and participate in this destruction of a Childs life. Our life.
So if you have read this far, you are either struggling with your own selves. Maybe you are a spouse or loved one fo someone like us, or just a curious co-worker. Thank you for trying to learn rather than just call us crazy. We are crazy, we don’t need you to tell us that. We don’t want people to make special fuss over us, or treat us special. We just want to be whatever it is we were meant to be. Most of us will never know what that is. Most of us will pass in to nothing never knowing anything about who we are or what we are meant to be. However we can learn to accept what we have become. We have become survivors of most anything. Nothing to be fearful of there right? You haven’t paid attention, we are fearful of ourselves. How can you not fear everything when you want hurt yourself to feel better.